1x07
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x07: Nevada Day: Part I
Written by: Mark McKinney (story) and Aaron Sorkin (teleplay)
Directed by: Timothy Busfield and Lesli Linka Glatter
Original Airing: November 6, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
--------Pahrump, Nevada---------
(ZHANG TAO speaking Mandarin)
JACK
Hmm?
KIM
He’s asking where we are exactly.
JACK
We’re in… I told him, we’re in Pahrump, Nevada. We’re about sixty miles west of Las Vegas, about
400 miles from Lake Tahoe. I don’t know if those landmarks mean anything to your father.
KIM (translating)
Legal brothels?
DANNY
What are you looking at me for?
DEPUTY
Yeah, we got legal brothels. Cherry Patch ranch, Mabel’s ranch. I’ll tell you what else, those two houses helped form the original infrastructure of the town of Pahrump.
JUDGE
These the folks from Hollywood?
DEPUTY
Yes, Judge.
JUDGE
I’m Robert Bebe, Presiding Judge, Pahrump city court. Which one of you’s having a bad day that’s about to get worse?
DAVID
Judge, I’m David Langenthal, I’m an attorney for NBS and I’ve been asked to appear on behalf of Tom Jeter. We can have you back fishing in no time if you’ll just grant my motion for a favorable O.R.R. so that Mr. Jeter can be back in Los Angeles in time for his live broadcast tonight.
JUDGE
Hmm. No.
DAVID
If it please the court-
JUDGE
Does this look like a court to you, Matlock?
DAVID
Judge-
JUDGE
I’m not hearing motions right now, counselor, And if you speak again absent direct question. I’m gonna tell Deputy Boone here to shoot your ankles off. Who are the Japs?
JACK
They’re Chinese sir.
JUDGE
Who’re you?
JACK
I’m Jack Rudolph, I’m the chairman of NBS.
JUDGE
What’s that?
JACK
I’m sorry?
JUDGE
What’s NBS?
JACK
It’s a national network of broadcasting system- it’s the National Broadcasting System. It’s a corporation that-
JUDGE
I had these guys going, you see that? You’re idiots, did you know that? I’m a judge. Do you really think I go around calling people Japs and ordering deputies to shoot lawyers? You think I’m some kind of backwater red state moron that hasn’t heard of NBS? I own a television. I know how to work it. I also know the law, counselor, and I am not easily impressed so shove your motions up your ass. There’s only one person in the room that I want to hear from and that’s the shepherd in the handcuffs. How the hell’d you get yourself into my sheriff’s office?
TOM
Your honor, my name is Tom Jeter-
JUDGE
I know who you are, both of you, and you got a hell of a problem because I don’t like your television program. It’s condescending and smart ass. You make fun of people like my family, people like my friends and people like me. You are having a very bad day, son. I, on the other hand, am as giddy as a school girl. Start talking.
DAVID
Judge.
JUDGE
Are you a member of the Nevada State Bar?
DAVID
No sir, I’m a member of the California Bar.
JUDGE
Well, you’ve wandered away from home. The shepherd is under arrest for assault and battery, reckless endangerment, possession of a controlled substance and failure to answer a warrant.
SIMON
Your Honor.
TOM
Simon
SIMON
The joint is mine.
TOM
Don’t.
SIMON
The joint is mine. He was wearing my jacket. He didn’t know what was in the pocket.
JUDGE
Really?
SIMON
Yes, sir.
JUDGE
Then it’s an early Christmas for me.
DANNY
Tom.
TOM
Yeah.
DANNY
Tell him your story.
==========CREDITS==========
TOM
Uhhh, what is today, today is Friday. Yesterday one of my fellow cast members, Harriet Hayes, was quoted in a gossip column, saying… she was asked what her position… They quoted her as saying…
JUDGE
This has got to be a hell of a story not to start why you’re dressed like a shepherd.
TOM
I’m actually not dressed like a shepherd, I’m dressed as Jesus Christ. I was taken by police in the middle of rehearsing a sketch.
JUDGE
A sketch mocking church goers.
TOM
…Yes.
DANNY
NO!
JUDGE
Hang on.
DANNY
It wasn’t-
JUDGE
Sir.
SIMON
I need to make it crystal clear that the marijuana belongs to me. He borrowed my jacket. He didn’t know it was in the jacket.
JUDGE
You made it clear. If you make it any clearer, the deputy’s gonna have to read you Miranda. And I should point out that while posession is a misdemeanor, use is a felony. You want me to prove use? It’s been smoked.
SIMON
I understand it’s a felony in Nevada, Judge. That’s why I’m telling you-
JUDGE
Sammy… Is it Sammy?
SIMON
Simon… Simon Stiles.
JUDGE
Simon, let me be your lawyer for a second.
SIMON
Okay.
JUDGE
Shut the hell up.
SIMON
Yes, sir.
DANNY
Your Honor, the sketch wasn’t mocking churchgoers, it was mocking … network people who are in charge of what’s called Broadcasting standards and practices. The sketch was mocking our head of standards and practices.
JUDGE
Hm. (beat) An item in a gossip column.
TOM
Yes sir, she was- Harriet Hayes, the woman I mentioned before, is a devout Christian and she’ll often get asked-
JUDGE
I’ve heard about her. I imagine she’s something of an outcast in Hollywood.
TOM
She is, but…
JUDGE
What was she asked.
TOM
People like to bait her.
JUDGE
They like to debate her?
TOM
They like to bait her. People like to bait her.
JUDGE
What was she was asked?
TOM
She was asked about her position on gay marriage.
JUDGE
And what did she say?
------(Studio 60 - Earlier)------
HARRIET
I said the Bible says it’s a sin, it also says ‘Judge not less ye be judged’. And that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.
MATT
‘Ye’ is a word you don’t hear a lot.
HARRIET
How do you manage to see every piece of my press?
MATT
We have a press department, I get a daily press packet. They highlight what they want me to see. This one got a highlight, an arrow and a sticker.
HARRIET
Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.
MATT
Yeah, can I ask you something. Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?
HARRIET
Please.
MATT
Are you concerned that a significant portion of your fanbase in both music and television is gay and that any number of people who work with you here are gay.
HARRIET
Hang on, you don’t mean to say that there are homosexuals and lesbians in show business, do you, because I’ll walk right out this building!
MATT
The Bible says it’s a sin, but it also says ‘Judge not, less ye be judged’. In other words, you’re giving yourself a pat on the back for tolerating sinners.
HARRIET
You know, I never mind having problems with press because I know I can always count on you for support.
MATT
Look.
HARRIET
A lecture. I mean, I can always count on you for a lecture. Am I done?
MATT
Sure.
----------
WILSON
Kim. Why the viola and not the violin? I’m asking your daughter, why the viola and not the violin.
KIM (translating)
My father says there’s a shortage of good viola players.
WILSON
Really…
KIM
He read an article. My father reads papers from all around the world and I translate them.
WILSON
Oh, okay.
JACK
Good morning.
WILSON
Jack, this is Mr. Zhang Tao.
JACK
How do you do sir?
KIM (translates)
Very well thank you.
WILSON
His daughter Kim is also interpreting for us today.
JACK
Hello, Kim.
KIM
Hello.
WILSON
Mister Kwan-Yin Zao. Mister Chen Yang. Jack, can I have you outside for just a second? Gentlemen and young lady, will you excuse us just one moment. (they leave) We’re this close.
JACK
Yeah.
WILSON
Yeah. The last nine months, I’ve logged over 90,000 air miles back and forth to Macau. This is the first time they’ve come here.
JACK
What about Parsons?
WILSON
He didn’t come here to meet here with Time Warner. He came to meet with us.
JACK
And he brought his daughter?
WILSON
No, she’s on a scholarship to Julliard, she’s a viola prodigy. Because apparently there’s a shortage of players and her father strongly encouraged her to fill that need.
JACK
Good, cause I’ve always felt like the People’s Republic of China was just one good string section away from being able to feed itself.
WILSON
She’s also intoxicated by American popular culture.
JACK
How intoxicated?
WILSON
Teenage girls are teenage girls, I don’t care where they come from or how good they play the viola. She’s going to be our way into Macau. She wants to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60.
JACK
Tom Jeter.
WILSON
Tom Jeter. Her father promised her she could. He wants to look like a big deal in Hollywood in front of her. Fathers of daughters. They’re also the same anywhere you go.
JACK
I can get her in a room with anybody she wants. … She wants to meet Tom Jeter?!
WILSON
You’ll have somebody take care of it?
JACK
Yeah.
WILSON
They leave tomorrow. They’re using our jet. He’s gonna drop her back at school in New York then he goes home. You’ve got to do it by tomorrow.
JACK
That’s no problem.
WILSON
We’re this close. I just drove us 99 yards down that field. Take it the last yard. Put it in the damn house.
JACK
It’s really Jeter she wants to meet?
WILSON
One more yard. In the end zone.
JACK
Yeah, all right.
--------(Studio 60)--------
DANNY
Hi.
MATT
Hang on.
DANNY
What are you working on?
MATT
Yeah, I’m on the third page, I should know by now.
DANNY
We’re already 18 minutes fat.
MATT
Yeah, Visa’s gonna be funny and Dylan’s got this Mexican Santa Claus that’s demented, but…
DANNY
But what?
MATT
We don’t have the sketch everyone’s talking about on Monday. We still have time.
DANNY
Yeah, and in terms of meeting our quota of offended people, we’re probably fine with a demented Mexican Santa Claus.
MATT
The character isn’t demented, it’s the comedy.
DANNY
I understand.
MATT
So can I go back to not writing?
DANNY
Yeah. And I just ran the early script past Standards, and everything’s okay, they just want to make sure in the Lifetime movie sketch that it’s clear Jeannie’s saying Geez and not Jesus.
MATT
Whatever. You see Harriet’s quote on Page Six?
DANNY
Yeah, I talked to her. They left out the second part.
MATT
Second part doesn’t excuse the first part, it only sounds like it does.
DANNY
Don’t worry about it.
MATT
No, what I’ll worry about instead, is that Jeannie accidentally not say Jesus instead of Geez, cause if that happened, the sky would fall down. How did I get involutarily deputized as a Commandments Enforcer?
DANNY
By working in broadcasting.
MATT
Uh uh, blasphemy isn’t an FCC issue, there’s no threat of fines.
DANNY
It’s a community standards issue.
MATT
But it’s not my community we’re talking about.
DANNY
You can’t use the Lord’s name in vain, and that’s not gonna change and you know it, so move on.
MATT
It’s not my Lord we’re talking about either.
DANNY
We’ve had this conversation and it bores me now.
MATT
Look, it’s one thing to be asked to respect someone else’s religion, it’s another to be asked to respect their taboos. In my religion, it’s disrespectful to God not to keep your head covered. You don’t see me insisting that the cast of CSI Miami wear yarmulkes.
DANNY
That’d be an unusual creative direction for CSI Miami.
MATT
Half the shows in prime time start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance. And that’s fine with me, but if it’s also fine with Jesus, then I don’t see the need to tiptoe around his name.
DANNY
Matt, you’ll be able to have a character tell another character to do something to himself that is anatomically impossible. You’ll be able to do it at eight o’ clock on a Sunday before you’ll be able to use God or Jesus as an expletive.
MATT
I can only write Jesus or Christ when I’m referring to Jesus Christ.
DANNY
Yes.
MATT
Let me tell you something. If Jesus was the head of standards and practices, he would pimp slap the whole lot of us, and not because we used his name in- Jesus as the head of Standards and Practices.
DANNY
And there’s your Monday morning sketch.
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
You see how I did that?
MATT
I’ll try to have the first draft in a couple hours and pages before the dinner break.
DANNY
I’m the puppet master.
MATT
You didn’t even have a conversation with Standards, did you?
DANNY
No.
MATT
Okay.
------------
DYLAN
And so I’d like to introduce our new vice president in charge of standards and practices, Jesus H. Christ.
JEANNIE
The group applauds as Tom dressed as Jesus stands at the head of the conference table.
TOM
Thank you very much and it’s good to walk among you.
ALEX
Jesus Christ, it’s hot in here, do you mind if I open a window?
HARRIET
He’s really going for it, isn’t he?
SIMON
He’s just sticking it to Standards.
HARRIET
Well, it’s funny so I don’t care, but he’s sticking it to me. I’m heading back.
TOM
I got to go, too.
SIMON
We’ll see you back there.
TOM
“Jesus, let me ask you, does it bother you if your name is used in a frustrated exclamation, I mean, it’s one of the Commandments, so I figure-“ “Yeah I had spikes driven through my hands and feet, rocks thrown at my head, my father orchestrated the whole thing. But what really gets to me is when someone calls me names.”
JIM
Excuse me, I’m really sorry to bother you, I’m just such a big fan…
HARRIET
Not at all. It’s nice to meet you, what’s your name? [signs a CD for him]
JIM
Jim.
HARRIET
Okay Jim. Thanks a lot for saying hi, you made my day. [Jim breaks the CD under his heel]
JIM
Broke my heart to do that.
HARRIET
Yeah.
JIM
Actually it felt pretty good.
TOM
All right
JIM
You’re a homophobic little bitch, you know that?
TOM
Whoa, whoa…
JIM
Why don’t you take your CD and shove it up your tight little ass.
OTHER GUY
Bitch.
HARRIET
Okay
JIM
You think you’re better than me?
HARRIET
I think this is about the PageSsix column and I’m glad you brought it up.
OTHER GUY
We’re sinners? God doesn’t like us too much? He speaks to you personally? You southern redneck bitch.
TOM
Guys, you’re too close. Step back.
JIM
Shut up, you little twerp…. You little ninety pound piece of crap. How bout I break your arms and then I unbutton my pants.
TOM
I want you to do is step back. You’re too close.
HARRIET
Listen, seriously, the quote was truncated, I didn’t-
SIMON
Get in the car.
HARRIET
Let’s just start from the beginning. Cause I understand-
SIMON
Get in the car.
JIM
Say it to my face, bitch.
HARRIET
If I read the same thing about myself.
JIM
Call me a fag.
SIMON
Get in the car.
JIM
Call me a faggot, huh? Get your hands off me!
TOM
Say what you want but stand the hell back. (pushes him) You all right?
SIMON
Harry, in the car now!
OTHER GUY
Come on, man.
OTHER GUY
Where you going? Coward!
JIM
You believe he did that?
OTHER GUY
Yeah, you better!
========STUDIO 60 - Friday===========
DYLAN
Jesus, I don’t think you’re going to be able to get the networks to forgive its debtors.
TOM
We should
DYLAN
We won’t.
TOM
It’d be nice.
DYLAN
Still.
TOM
It’s compassionate and charitable.
SIMON
You know, just to be clear, our debtors aren’t lepers, they’re advertisers.
TOM
Money-changers.
SIMON
If that helps you.
TOM
Okay, just thinking out side the box.
SIMON
Stay inside.
JEANNIE
Jesus Christ, can we get this underway?
TOM
Sure.
ALEX
We called this meeting because a number of our writers are asking that from time to time they be allowed to take your name in vain in their scripts.
JEANNIE
As well as the name of your father.
ALEX
In their defense, it is part of the adult vernacular.
TOM
I see.
SIMON
Don’t smite anybody.
TOM
I’ll try to control myself.
JEANNIE
We were hoping you could speak to the writers and make it clear that it’s absolutely forbidden.
TOM
Yeah no, I don’t care.
JEANNIE
You don’t care?
TOM
No… Caring for the weakest among us, that’s my thing. Lend a hand, be a good neighbor, don’t cast the first stone. Do those things, you can call me Betty for all I care.
DYLAN
Jesus, you don’t care about people taking your name in vain?
TOM
They’re people, they get frustrated.
ALEX
What about your father?
TOM
Get him.
SIMON
What?
TOM
Get him.
SIMON
Get God?
TOM
Get him. He sent me here to die a pretty gruesome death. He planned it. You want to hear what I call him at Sunday dinner?
JEANNIE
What?
TOM
I call him Dad because I’m forgiving. That’s why I need the rest of you to get him.
SIMON
Jesus Christ.
TOM
Yes sir.
SIMON
No, that was just an exclamation.
-------(Pahrump – Present)---------
JUDGE
You let them do this?
JACK
Judge.
JUDGE
You allow this.
JACK
Sir.
JUDGE
You let them mock the Lord with snide little jokes that belittle the faith of millions and millions of people including, I should say, myself.
DANNY
No he doesn’t, Judge. We cut the sketch, we’re not doing it tonight.
JACK
We’re doing it.
DANNY
No, we’re not. We ordered it cut and it’s cut. Moreover, Tom is a performer on the show. He does the material he is given. That is his job. I’m the one who insulted you and I apologize.
JACK
I’m the one who insulted you and the sketch stays in.
SIMON
Is it still on the record that it was my dope in his pocket?
TOM
Fellas, I’m still under arrest.
----------(Studio 60 earlier)--------
TOM
It’s unusually cold in the studio today. …Did I wear this same costume last season as a shepherd? Anybody?
LUCY
Yes.
TOM
You weren’t here last year.
LUCY
I watched TV last year.
TOM
And it’s the same thing I wore as the singing shepherd, right?
LUCY
Yeah, but-
TOM
I’ll tell you why I’m asking.
LUCY
Why?
TOM
It’s cause I’m freezing.
SIMON
Be a man.
TOM
I’m trying, but I’m wearing a frock. (LUCY chuckles) I’m pretty cold.
SIMON
All right, take this, would you? (gives him his jacket)
TOM
Thank you.
SIMON
Put it on.
MATT
All right, hang on. Darius.
DARIUS
Yes, sir.
MATT
Read the changes.
TOM
I look good in this jacket. Would a carpenter wear something like this?
SIMON
He wasn’t a carpenter. Joseph was a carpenter.
JEANNIE
Jesus was a farmer.
SIMON
He wasn’t a farmer.
JEANNIE
What was he?
DYLAN
I think he was kind of a roving troubadour.
SIMON
It’s almost hard to believe everybody hates Hollywood.
DARIUS
It’s good.
MATT
Yeah?
DARIUS
Yeah.
MATT
I have a lot of people who blow smoke at me. So many that the network has to pay people to tell me the truth. Right now that’s you.
DARIUS
It’s all over the place.
MATT
Take a break.
LILLY
That’s twenty. Back at 9:15.
SECURITY GUY
Tom.
TOM
Yeah.
SECURITY GUY
There are two gentlemen who need to see you in the lobby.
TOM
Sure, let me just change. (they stop him, tell him a secret, he sighs and follows them.)
TOM
I’m Tom Jeter.
TRENTANELLI
Mr. Jeter, I’m Detective Trentanelli, this is Detective Hillary, we’re from the West Hollywood Police Department. We don’t like this and neither will you but we have a warrant for your arrest on a charge of assault.
HILLARY
This won’t take long but you’re gonna have to be-
TOM
Simon put you up to this? Or Harriet, whatever they gave you, seriously, I’ll double it, as long as we can turn this thing around on them.
TRENTANELLI
No, this isn’t a gag, I wish it was. You threw a man to the ground yesterday and there were witnesses and it was also caught on a couple security cameras.
TOM
No, God, no I didn’t throw him to the ground. He was trying to --
HILLARY
He’s pressing charges and they won’t stick. What he wants is to be able to sue you, and not for nothing, but I’d sue him back.
TRENTANELLI
We have to take you in and book you. You’ll be able to post bond with your credit card. The whole thing won’t take an hour. You want to call your lawyer?
TOM
I don’t have a lawyer, I have an agent at William Morris. Is there gonna be a story in the papers that I beat a guy up?
TRENTANELLI
Sometimes that enhances a guy’s reputation.
TOM
This guy was gay.
TRENTANELLI
Well, there’s nothing we can do about the press.
TOM
Why? You’ve got guns.
HILLARY
And I’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to put these on you.
TRENTANELLI
Also, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and have that attorney present at any questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney…
--------------Jordan’s office – earlier ---------
JORDAN
The problem is a companion piece - we don't have anything in the pipeline. I’m gonna start having meetings with the top writers and offering them blank checks. Jack, we were just talking about how to develop a companion piece for Nations.
JACK
How about an hour drama about a bunch of network executives who open a carpet cleaning business after
losing their jobs because they put Nations on the air.
JORDAN
Like it, love it, love the guy who brought it to me.
JACK
Is this meeting over?
JORDAN
No, we were just gonna start on the-
JACK
Is this meeting over?
JORDAN
Sure…
SUIT
It’s not a bad idea.
JORDAN
What?
SUIT
The fired executives. It could also be a car wash.
JORDAN
Thank you.
JACK
Time Warner’s gonna buy into TeleSat China, so they’d have satellite distribution, which we don’t.
JORDAN
That’s not my floor of the building.
JACK
TeleSat gives them a hundred million dollar advantage over us in the race for Macau so it’s everybody’s floor of the building.
JORDAN
Is Zhang gonna base his decision on a hundred million dollars?
JACK
He’s Chinese, who knows what the hell guides his decisions. It might be a nineteen year old viola player.
JORDAN
Then maybe this isn’t the best time to tell you.
JACK
What?
JORDAN
That the Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband’s book this morning.
JACK
Saying what?
JORDAN
I don’t like children, I don’t want to have children, I would never hire a woman with children.
JACK
Anything else?
JORDAN
I don’t like dogs.
JACK
Okay. By the way, his daughter needs to meet Tom Jeter.
JORDAN
That’s no problem.
JACK
You’re not allowed to say those words.
JORDAN
Got it.
JACK
Ricky Tahoe and Ron Oswald tell me they’re right now rehearsing a sketch over there where the new head of Standards and Practices is Jesus?
JORDAN
(laughs) That’s a funny premise. …That’s not funny.
JACK
They’re not doing it.
JORDAN
Jack.
JACK
They’re not doing it while that idiot you married is going around saying you don’t like women who have children.
JORDAN
I’ll ask them to cut it.
JACK
I’ll ask them to cut it. You’re busy developing a show about the glorious world of UNICEF.
JORDAN
Yeah, and the whole thing’s gonna be mimed.
---------------Studio 60-----------------
DANNY
Hi.
DARIUS
Hi.
DANNY
Darius, right?
DARIUS
Yeah.
DANNY
Where is everybody?
DARIUS
Well… Tom Jeter’s been arrested for assault and he was taken down to the West Hollywood police station to get booked. Simon Stiles had loaned him his jacket which happened to have a half a joint in the pocket,
so Simon ran down to make sure Tom wasn’t charged with possession. Harriet Hayes is pretty upset because all this happened while she was being heckled by gay hooligans and Matt Albie’s in his office rewriting the Jesus sketch.
DANNY
Were you pitching me a sketch?
DARIUS
No, sir
DANNY
Where is everybody
DARRIUS
Like I said, uh Tom J-
SIMON
Danny --
DANNY
What the hell is going on?
SIMON
Tom got arrested. We came out at dinner last night and some guys got in Harriet’s face for that gay marriage thing in the Post. Tom tried to break it up, and he pushed one of them and the guy’s pressing charges. Tom’s wearing my jacket, and it’s got a joint in it. He’s gonna get searched, if they haven’t done it already.
DANNY
Let’s get down there.
SIMON
He’s not there. This is getting out of hand.
DANNY
Where is he?
SIMON
In a police van headed to Nevada.
DANNY
Why?
SIMON
Cause the computer kicked out an outstanding warrant for failure to answer to a speeding ticket he got in a small town called Pahrump. (Danny chuckles) Danny.
DANNY
Seriously, is this sketch?
SIMON
He’s being extradited, where the hell have you been?
DANNY
BREAKFAST!!!
SIMON
I’m going to Burbank Airport, I’m getting on the next plane to Vegas or Reno and I’m renting a car.
DANNY
I’m going with you.
SIMON
You can’t come with me, it’s Friday.
DANNY
No, this is what producing is. Just let me talk to Matt. Let’s see if we can do this without anyone finding out, like the press or the network-
JORDAN
Finding out what?
DANNY
Hi.
SIMON
Hi.
JORDAN
Hi. Finding out what?
DANNY
Hm?
JORDAN
Without the press or the network finding out what?
SIMON
That we’re frauds. We can’t do this, we’re not funny.
DANNY
It’s just Friday insecurity.
JORDAN
Boy, we never get over those insecurities, do we?
SIMON
No, no we don’t.
JORDAN
Like, it’s a long story, but I wrestle with some abandonment issues.
DANNY
Okay. Well, we gotta go.
JORDAN
Wait, I came here.
DANNY
Of course. What can I do for you?
JORDAN
Two things. Jack’s gonna ask you to cut your Jesus sketch. I want you to argue with him, dig your heels in and then say yes.
DANNY
Sure.
JORDAN
I’m serious.
DANNY
You got it!
JORDAN
Really?
DANNY
Hey, it’s a whiny inside joke that picks at an empty symbolic line in the sand and Matt’s blowing it anyway.
JORDAN
Great, but I want you to fight Jack a little bit before you give in.
DANNY
Sure.
JORDAN
I’ll tell you why.
SIMON
He doesn’t need to know why. I mean, why?
JORDAN
What the hell is going on?
DANNY
Nothing.
JORDAN
Okay, Simon, you mind if I talk to Danny alone?
SIMON
Yeah, sure. Quickly, please. I’ll be downstairs.
JORDAN
Jack needs to win one. He’s a very proud man, I’ve taken his legs out four times in a row. Hiring you, putting Crazy Christians on the air, rejecting Search and Destroy, and buying Nations. Fight him for five rounds and then take a dive. Make it look good.
DANNY
You got it, Mugsy. Anything else?
JORDAN
No.
DANNY
Great.
JORDAN
Ooh yeah, wait. A multi billion dollar deal in Macau ,China that Wilson White is spearheading apparently rests on Zhang Tao’s daughter Kim getting to meet Tom Jeter. Is he around?
DANNY
You couldn’t have lead with that, huh? Come with me.
------------
DANNY
(Bursts into Matt’s office, waking him up.)
MATT
Hey!
DANNY
I asked you to run the place for 45 minutes while I had a waffle.
MATT
I was working on an ending for the Jesus sketch.
DANNY
Well, first of all, you’re not gonna need one, and second, way to prioritize.
MATT
What do you want me to do, hide a file in a cake and grease the screws? He’ll be back in a minute.
DANNY
No, he won’t be back. He’s on his way to Pahrump, Nevada.
MATT
Why?
JORDAN
Yes, Danny, why?
DANNY
All right, what we have here is a domino situation.
--------(JACK’s office)------
JACK
The car is downstairs. And it’s going to take you first next door where, Kim, Tom Jeter is very excited to meet you.
KIM
Really?
JACK
Yeah.
KIM
No!
JACK
Well, I’m sure he’s got a hat for you. The car will take you to the tarmac, where our plane will take you to Teeterborough airport. A helicopter will take Kim and drop her in the middle of the Julliard viola section. The jet will refuel and then take you to Macau by way of Newfoundland, Scotland and Zagreb, Croatia. (KIM translates) Kim, your father understands that even with the trip to New York, it would still be shorter to turn the plane around and fly west.
KIM (translates)
He flies in one direction.
JACK
Okay.
KIM
Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend?
JACK
I don’t know but I know for sure he’s got a box set of DVDs and a tote bag with your name on it. (is interrupted by assistant) …is it important? (Assistant nods) Excuse me. (picks up phone) Yeah?
JORDAN (on phone)
Is he in with you right now?
JACK
Yeah.
JORDAN
Okay, act normal.
JACK
Why? …Uh huh, uh huh. Say the name of the town again?
JORDAN
Pahrump.
JACK
Uh huh.
JORDAN
Now, here’s the interesting part.
JACK
Gosh, it seems pretty interesting right now.
JORDAN
I’ve spoken to David Langenthal. Today is a holiday called Nevada Day. It’s the annual celebration of the anniversary of Nevada being admitted to the union.
JACK
Uh huh.
JORDAN
All state and local officials have the day off.
JACK
There’s no judge.
JORDAN
Yeah, they’re gonna have to hold him until Monday.
JACK
No, they’re not.
JORDAN
Yeah, they are.
JACK
No, they’re not, I’ve thrown a hundred and forty nine fundraisers for the governor of Nevada. He’s gonna have to interrupt somebody’s golf game.
JORDAN
You really want to get into influence peddling?
JACK
I’m not saying he has to tell a judge how to rule, I’m saying he has to tell a judge to go be a judge…. (realizes he’s being watched.) Hi…. I’ll call you back. (hangs up) Kim.. Bad news. Tom Jeter is en route to what I guess you’d have to call a sort of… police station…
KIM
Is he hurt?
JACK
Oh no, he’s fine. And as soon as he comes back, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. He’s going to call you personally in your dormitory room and send you a signed photograph, as well as the hat, the DVDs, and the tote bag.
KIM
Is the police station on the way to the airport?
JACK
No, the police station is in Pahrump, Nevada.
KIM
Well, Nevada’s on the way to New York.
JACK
Yes, it is…
(KIM argues with her father in Mandarin)
KIM
He says it’s fine.
JACK
Uh, what’s fine?
KIM
We’ll stop there on the way.
JACK
…Yes, that’s exactly what we’re gonna do. We’re all gonna get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump, Nevada. Won’t find any high level executives from AOL / Time Warner in Pahrump, Nevada. I can promise you that. Let me make a quick phone call…
------------
JORDAN
It became a state in 1864, I believe. Its silver and gold production were needed to help finance the Civil War.
MATT
You don’t like kids and dogs?
JORDAN
Yeah. Or orphans. Why, is that bad? (Phone rings. Jordan and Danny reach for it – Jordan wins. She picks up the phone) It’s Jordan. Mm-hmm. Mm-hm.. Really. Okay, be at Santa Monica Airport in an hour. Get on the NBS jet with Jack and David Langenthal from Legal. Jack’s getting a Judge over there.
DANNY
Let’s go.
MATT
Wait, you can’t go.
DANNY
It’s gonna be fine. I’ll watch a rehearsal feed on my laptop and be on the phone with everybody the whole day.
MATT
What about me?
DANNY
No parties, no loud music, don’t play with matches. This isn’t a problem. Except if Tom doesn’t make it back, or they hold Simon. Then you’ll have to write an alternate show.
JORDAN
…Pahrump’s a funny name.
MATT
Yeah.
--------------(Pahrump - earlier)------------
TOM
Listen, I suspect there’re gonna be some people coming soon to try and help me. They’re gonna mean well, but is there anyway I can get on the official record that they’re not with me?
COP
Let’s just get inside. This will be over soon. Booney.
DEPUTY BOONE
How are you?
COP
Just fine. This is Tom Jeter.
DEPUTY
I just need some signatures. Here and here. Mr. Jeter. You were driving a hundred and twenty miles per hour through Pahrump and didn’t RSVP to our citation for speeding and reckless endangerment.
TOM
I understand. It was unforgivably forgetful of me.
DEPUTY
Forgetful.
TOM
Yes, sir. Hey, nice! Is that your dog?
DEPUTY
That’s Daisy.
TOM
I got a basset hound, too. Tricolored. I’m a basset hound guy. I subscribe to the newsletter, the Basset Hound Bugler. Hey girl!! She probably smells Roscoe.
DEPUTY
No, she’s trained. Would you uncuff him please? I’m gonna need you to empty your pockets.
----------(AIRPLANE)------------
SIMON
Danny.
DANNY
Yeah.
SIMON
Delta Airlines, struggling recently, has asked a US Bankruptcy Court for permission to outsource 18 hundred jobs. It’s still unclear from court filings, how the nine year old Malaysian children will be able to reach the steering wheel in the cockpit.
DANNY
It’s not bad. It’s not great.
JACK
Delta doesn’t employ children, Malaysian or otherwise.
SIMON
Yeah. It’s just a joke about corporate America in general.
JACK
Okay, you hear the one about the black guy who could run really fast while eating watermelon and collecting welfare. It’s not a joke about you, Simon, it’s a joke about black people in general.
SIMON
God Jack, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that corporations had been the butt of stereotyping for four hundred years.
JACK
By the way, you doing a sketch this week where you cleverly get around rules about taking the Lord’s name in vain?
DANNY
Yeah.
JACK
You’re not anymore.
DANNY
Okay.
JACK
What do you mean?
DANNY
I mean, okay, I’ll cut it.
JACK
Just like that?
DANNY
Oh yeah, I’m supposed to fight you for five rounds.
JACK
Jordan told you to take a dive?
DANNY
As a courtesy to you, she said you hadn’t won one in a while, so…
JACK
This… This is what you call a win? Getting him to take us and not Time-Warner, that’s a win. Getting you to cut a sketch is chewing a stick of gum. Bad enough I’m an errand boy today, arranging autographs for teeny boppers and getting Jeter out of jail, I got you and McDeere patronizing me? You know what? Keep the damn sketch. I don’t need the win. It’s your funeral.
DANNY
Well, I’m cutting the sketch because I don’t like it, but I don’t think anyone’s going to a funeral, so let’s relax.
JACK
Danny.
DANNY
Yeah.
JACK
I wouldn’t get too many eggs in Jordan’s basket. I don’t think she’s gonna make it through this anymore. Now you relax.
=============Pahrump===
DEPUTY
This is yours?
TOM
Yeah.
DEPUTY
Well, I’m sorry Mr. Jeter, but you’re carrying this in the wrong state.
TOM
I know.
DEPUTY
Wait here while I start the work on this.
TOM
Yes, sir. …et tu, Daisy? “I’m a basset hound guy.”
--------PLANE----------
DANNY
What do you mean you don’t think she’s gonna make it anymore?
JACK
I mean, enough is enough. She thumbed her nose at money-printing Search and Destroy because it didn’t meet her moral standards while letting HBO bid her up on a commercially untenable show about the United Nations. She has a sordid sex history-
DANNY
Jack.
JACK
Which will continue to get more sordid as her psycho loser ex-husband lobs bombs at us every time he feels the spot light dimming a little. She’s getting chummy with the artists when she should be chummy with the TMG brass and a boss to the talent. She delights in tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does.
DANNY
That is not true. No one delights in tweaking the religious community nearly as much as Matt does.
JACK
And she seldom raises her voice.
DANNY
Why is that bad?
JACK
It’s not. It’s good. I like it, I like her. I’m rooting for her. But if her firing is inevitable, then I have to be the one to do it, not the parent company or I’ll be weakened.
DANNY
Well, yeah, but if you stood up for her…
JACK
I am standing by her right now, why the hell do you think she hasn’t been fired already?
DANNY
God, it’s just gossip columns.
JACK
Hollywood isn’t run by liberals, it’s run by companies. You can look for a pretty long time before finding a liberal on the board of directors on any of those companies. They don’t like this girl, Danny. She’s embarrassing them.
----------Studio 60-----------
P.A.
Electrics is asking, does the up center gobo-switch out before or after the C-break.
MATT
Well, I’ll ask Danny ‘cause he’s the one who knows what those words mean.
MATT (knocks on Harriet’s dressing room door)
The cast of a Fellini film is on a Gulfstream Jet headed to Pahrump, Nevada. Danny, Simon, Jack Rudolph, an NBS lawyer named David Langenthal, and the only billionaire communist in the world, and his daughter, a viola player.
HARRIET
What’s gonna happen when they get there?
MATT
Well it’s a state holiday in Nevada, so they’re gonna find an unhappy judge who probably wasn’t predisposed to like us in the first place.
HARRIET
Tom’s gotta fight the culture wars?
MATT
If he wants to make it back here by dress.
HARRIET
I should be on that plane, too.
MATT
Yeah?
HARRIET
Danny wouldn’t let me go.
MATT
Well we are running low on cast members and executive producers.
HARRIET
Matt-
MATT
Why in the world didn’t you tell me about what happened outside the restaurant?
HARRIET
It wasn’t a big deal, it happens all the time.
MATT
It wasn’t a big deal?
HARRIET
No.
MATT
So Tom was being held on a routine charge of assault?
HARRIET
Tom barely touched the guy. He got in between me and the guy, the guy doesn’t want Tom in jail, he wants his money.
MATT
Thanks for the legal analysis, but he doesn’t want Tom’s money either. He wants the deep pockets. He wants the network’s money. Why didn’t you tell me what happened?
HARRIET
You’d just given me the wrath of a righteous man, remember?
MATT
Look-
HARRIET
Rant, I meant to say rant of a righteous man.
MATT
I’m asking some people to come to my office and help me prepare an alternate show in case Tom doesn’t make it back. And if they end up booking Simon for possession, you’ve gotta do News 60 alone.
HARRIET
You can put Alex or Dylan with me.
MATT
It’s Simon’s chair.
HARRIET
You’re right.
MATT
Okay.
HARRIET
I don’t even know what the sides are in the culture wars.
MATT
Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you’re stupid and my side hates your side because we think you’re stupid. Twenty minutes?
HARRIET
Yeah.
-------Pahrump----------
DEPUTY
I guess with you being a TV personality I should be expecting an army of Hollywood agents throwing their weight around.
TOM
No, it’s… it’s not like that at all.
JACK
I’m Jack Rudolph, I’m the chairman of NBS, I believe the Governor’s office mentioned I was coming. This is a Black American Express card, I can post a million dollar bond with it, so let’s get going.
TOM
This can’t possibly be happening to me.
DANNY
You all right?
TOM
I’m fine.
SIMON
Can I- Don’t say anything until I tell you to.
TOM
Did you have three years of law school this morning?
DAVID
Everybody please. Deputy, my name’s David Langenthal, I’m in the counsel’s office at NBS. I’ve been asked to help straighten this out so that Mr. Jeter could be back in LA in time for his live broadcast this evening.
DEPUTY
Well, as I explained to your colleague, Mr. Dyson… Mr. Jeter is on a no-bail hold. He can’t be released until he appears in front of a judge.
JACK
We know that.
DEPUTY
The problem of course is that today is Nevada Day. A holiday in the state of Nevada and all state and municipal employees have the day off.
SIMON
You’re working.
DEPUTY
Somebody’s gotta police the streets.
SIMON
That’ right. ‘Cause we wouldn’t want the streets of Pahrump exposed to the dangers of Tom.
DANNY
Simon.
JACK
A judge is coming. We were told a judge is coming.
DEPUTY
Yes sir, I’m told a judge is on his way. Took him off his fishing trip. He’s not gonna be happy.
JACK
How ‘bout if I buy him a boat. Will that make him happier?
DAVID
Jack, why don’t you all sit down? Can I ask you how Mr. Jeter came to be extradited?
DEPUTY
On August 16, Mr. Jeter was cited for speeding and reckless endangerment after being stopped going in excess of 120 miles per hour in a 65 mile per hour zone when he failed to appear as ordered before a judge, an FTA, that’s Failure to Appear, was issued along with a bench warrant and the charge was moved up to a B felony. That’s extraditable.
DAVID
Well, that makes sense.
JACK
…Good job.
DAVID
We’ve just got to wait for the judge.
SIMON (whispers)
Where’s my jacket?
TOM (whispers)
They’ve got it.
SIMON
It’s got a half a joint in one of the pockets.
TOM
Let’s light it up.
SIMON
Did you tell them it was yours?
TOM
Shut up, I’m already here.
SIMON
The joint’s mine.
DANNY (trying to create a distraction, coughs loudly)
Arrrhhghhhchmmm….
SIMON
The joint in his jacket pocket was mine. It was my jacket. He’s not nearly cool enough to have a jacket like that. It’s obviously my jacket.
DAVID
Simon. Please.
SIMON
Put it on the record.
DEPUTY
We’ll wait for the judge.
SIMON
Did you tell them why you were speeding?
TOM
No.
SIMON
Tell them why you were speeding!
TOM
No!
SIMON
Why not?
TOM
Because!
SIMON
Officer, there’s a very good reason why-
TOM
Simon! No. Listen. I appreciate you all wanting to help but just out of curiosity… What were you planning on doing once you got here?
(silence)
KIM
…Tom?
TOM
Yes?
ZHANG (in Chinese)
This is not the time! Look how intense the situation is!
KIM (in Chinese)
Why is it not the time?
ZHANG (in Chinese)
You are behaving like a child...
KIM (in Chinese)
You are embarrassing me in front of my star!
TOM
You sent assassins?
DANNY
Tom, this is Zhang Tao – just roll with it – A potential TMG business partner, and this is his daughter Kim who flew here with her father on their way to New York just to meet you, …as Wilson White promised them she could.
TOM
Okay….
KIM
Me and my friends think you’re the greatest.
TOM
You want me to make it out to Kim?
SIMON
…It’s my joint.
JACK
Shut up!
--------(STUDIO 60 Matt’s office)------
MATT (really bad and pretty unnecessary voiceover – just in case you tuned in at the last 30 seconds)
Well, it all started like this. Harriet was born and became a homophobe, so Tom had to fend off some gay street toughs, one of whom is pressing charges. From there, they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump, Nevada. Tom had borrowed Simon’s jacket and the rest you know. I have every hope that they’ll be back for dress, but if they’re not, we’re gonna put on a new show.
