1x06
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x06: The Wrap Party
Written by: Melissa Myers & Amy Turner (story) and Aaron Sorkin (teleplay)
Directed by: David Semel
Original Airing: October 23, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
Previously on “Studio 60”:
HARRIET
You knock my socks off.
JORDAN
Trevor Loughlin, he wrote a pilot script and it’s good, it’s called “Nations.”
DANNY
I don’t think the show is quite right for your network.
JORDAN
Why?
DANNY
It’s good.
JORDAN
There’s a writer I’m trying to get from HBO and I invited him to watch Studio 60 with me tonight with me from the box.
JACK
I’m sorry, I’m bigfooting you on this one.
TREVOR
Okay, you’ve got it.
JORDAN
Got what?
TREVOR
The show, I’d be happy to do it at NBS.
JORDAN
Why?
TREVOR
He just told me to.
Title Card: THE WRAP PARTY
[Stage]
LAUREN GRAHAM
Thanks to Sting, to the great cast and crew, Matt and Danny, good night, everybody!
[Control room]
CAL
Roll and…
LILLY
Call it, 9:50, 9:51.
CAL
Can we get Miguel a translator on the jib arm?
LILLY
He’s very proud, he doesn’t want a translator. He swears the only words he has trouble with are adverbs of motion. In, out, up, down, right, left…
CAL
He’s a camera operator; those are the only words I need him to know. Suzanne! Tell your guys tarps over everything. The last time we had a wrap party in the studio we had to shut down for two weeks while we replaced the studio.
SUZANNE
Yup.
[Hallway]
JORDAN
Cal!
CAL
Jordan!
JORDAN
Great show.
CAL
Thanks.
JORDAN
You’re great.
CAL
Thank you again.
JORDAN
I’ve had a couple glasses of wine.
CAL
No one would ever know.
JORDAN
I just bought my first show.
CAL
We heard; congratulations.
JORDAN
It’s a one-hour drama about the United Nations.
CAL
You can’t miss.
JORDAN
So I’m celebrating.
CAL
Well, enjoy the party.
JORDAN
I’m also hiding from Jack Rudolph. I didn’t bid on a reality show he wanted, and then to add injury…
CAL
Insult to injury –
JORDAN
Insult to injury, Wilson White backed me and took Jack’s legs out from under him, so I’m hiding here tonight. This is like, for me, Superman’s Dome of Pleasure.
CAL
Fortress of Solitude?
JORDAN
Yes.
CAL
Well, enjoy yourself.
JORDAN
I believe I will. [Jack crashes in.]
JACK
Guess who’s in the hiz-ouse!
CAL
Suzanne, tarps over everything!
[Backstage]
STU
Nice show, Jean-O.
JEANNIE
You too, Stu. Five, on the negative side, down low, too slow.
STU
Get out of here.
LILLY
Jeannie, you were fifteen seconds long on Commedia, we had to steal it from News 60.
JEANNIE
I know, people laughed, I was as surprised as anybody.
LILLY
Try not to be funny, we’re doing a TV show.
JEANNIE
Got it. Hey, listen, Lilly just told me they had to take fifteen seconds from the news to cut Commedia. I am sorry, people laughed, and we were not prepared for that.
HARRIET
I just almost kissed Matt.
JEANNIE
Really?
HARRIET
Yeah.
JEANNIE
Where?
HARRIET
On the mouth.
JEANNIE
Where in the building?
HARRIET
Up in his office during the last Sting number. It was a close call. I nearly had a Matt relapse, but I’m fine. Darren’s coming to the party, and Danny’s trying to fix Matt up with cocktail waitresses, so we’re back to normal.
JEANNIE
How do you feel about Darren?
HARRIET
I’m crazy about him, and I’ll tell you why.
JEANNIE
He’s a professional athlete and has the body of one?
HARRIET
No, it’s because he’s the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt, he’s not snide, he’s not smug, he’s not superior, he goes to church, he works with his hands –
JEANNIE
Well, he’s not a rancher, he’s a middle reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
HARRIET
No, I’m saying that he is, by and large, unburdened by… what?
JEANNIE
Thought?
HARRIET
He thinks.
JEANNIE
About what?
HARRIET
I’m looking forward to discovering that tonight.
JEANNIE
Sure, in the meantime you’ve got the muscles.
HARRIET
That’s the meat of what you have to say?
JEANNIE
Well, I wasn’t really giving it my all because I got laughs tonight in Commedia. I’m going to change for the party.
SIMON
You owe me fifteen seconds of fame.
JEANNIE
That’s all I’ve got on me right now.
SIMON
Hey, T, listen, I’m going to ask Matt to step off to the Improv around 11 to see a guy, you wanna come?
TOM
My parents are here tonight.
SIMON
No kidding! I wanna meet ‘em.
TOM
Really.
SIMON
27’s too old to have Mommy and Daddy issues, my brother.
TOM
They don’t know what I do for a living, my brother.
SIMON
They alive?
TOM
Well, they live in Columbus, Ohio so, barely.
SIMON
Then shut up!
TOM
I’m going to show them around the studio, and when we say good night I swear to God my father is going to ask me if I need any money, and it’s going to take everything I’ve got not to point out to him that I could his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.
SIMON
I would resist that urge.
TOM
Who’re you going to see?
SIMON
Uh, some guy out from New York I was told about, uh, name of Willy Wilson, you ever heard of him?
TOM
No.
SIMON
Sometimes he goes by Willy Wilz –
MRS. JETER
Knock knock!
TOM
Hey, guys, you found your way!
MRS. JETER
It wasn’t easy! Come here so I can kiss you!
TOM
How you doing, Dad?
MR. JETER
Good, good. How’re you?
TOM
Great. The drive was okay?
MR. JETER
Fine, no problems.
TOM
Great. Uh, did you like the show?
MRS. JETER
Oh, honey, it was so interesting to see it in person, it’s all so much smaller than it looks on TV. And with those seats you got us, we felt like big Hollywood bigshots. I thought at any second Joan Rivers was going to jump out and over and ask us what we were wearing.
SIMON
That could happen at any second, you should be careful.
TOM
Mom, Dad, this is Simon Styles.
MRS. JETER
Oh!
SIMON
Mr. and Mrs. Jeter, it is a pleasure to meet you both.
MRS. JETER
Tom talks about you all the time.
SIMON
Really?
TOM
No, I don’t talk about you at all.
MRS. JETER
Simon, I have to tell you, Tom’s father won’t admit it, but after we saw the James Bond movie, I think he got a little crush on Halle Berry.
TOM
Oh, dear God.
MRS. JETER
It’s true!
TOM
Well, he’ll be sure to tell her at the next meeting, Mom!
MR. JETER
Don’t be smart with your mother, Tom.
SIMON
I got a crush on her too, Mr. Jeter, so I’m not going to tell her about you, ‘cause I think you steal her away from me. It’s great meeting both of you, I mean, we’re all crazy about your son. I hope you have a great time here. Uh, can I talk to you one second? [He grabs Tom’s ear.]
TOM
Ow, ow!
SIMON
He works for a living, don’t be an ass!
TOM
Okay, can I take you around the studio?
MRS. JETER
Yes, please.
[Matt’s office]
DANNY
Ms. Graham, you are talented, you are a delight, and if I may say so, you are a hot, buttered biscuit.
LAUREN
Why did you cut my sketch?
DANNY
I think the thing to remember is that it was me who cut the sketch; it was a produsorial decision involving a number of technical factors, cameras, grips, a complicated metric of –
LAUREN
Why did you cut my sketch?
MATT
It wasn’t funny.
LAUREN
I thought it was funny.
MATT
Eh, I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren’t very good.
LAUREN
Really? ‘Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set-up for a jingle.
MATT
And that’s why I cut the sketch. You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on “Calico Gals.”
LAUREN
“Gilmore Girls.”
DANNY
I wrote it down for you.
MATT
This is my number, if you ever feel like coffee or a basketball game or something. And if you could give a copy of this to the girl who plays the kid on your show, too?
LAUREN
Is sucking up to the host time over?
DANNY
Sure. Go enjoy the party. [She leaves, but comes back and takes the number.]
LAUREN
This is humiliating.
MATT
Harriet came up here during Sting’s last set. I’m not great at reading these signals but I think there was a moment when I think she was about to kiss me.
DANNY
I saw a hypnotist once who brought an audience member onstage and removed the number six from his consciousness. Waved a watch, did a thing, told the guy to count to ten… the guy could not do it. He stopped at five.
MATT
Do you want to book him on the show?
DANNY
No, I want to put him on retainer! I want to see if he can remove Harriet from your consciousness.
MATT
Who are those women?
DANNY
See? That was easy.
MATT
I’m really not in the mood for this.
DANNY
Then change your mood, would ya? Now these three, I don’t think, broke the bank on their SATs or anything –
MATT
How recently did they take the SATs?
DANNY
Don’t be a snob.
MATT
Okay.
[Outside Matt’s office]
DANNY
Guys, this is Matt Albie. Matt, this is Shawna –
MATT
Hi.
DANNY
Lacey –
LACEY
Hi.
MATT
Hi.
DANNY
And Treasure.
MATT
Treasure?
TREASURE
I know, it’s unusual.
MATT
Oh, no no, not for Danny.
SHAWNA
Can I push a button?
DANNY
Sure. NO, NOT THAT ONE! Just kidding. Uh, Matt, Lacey moved here from Sweetwater, Texas to pursue an acting career, Shawna considers herself more of a personality than an actress; she’d like to host her own show.
SHAWNA
Like Tyra Banks.
MATT
Awesome role model.
DANNY
And Treasure –
MATT
Yes.
DANNY
-- Moved here from Tempe after a year as an Exercise and Wellness major at Arizona State. All three were at the show tonight.
MATT
You’re fans of the show?
TREASURE
Well, we are now because we’ve been dating mostly inside the rock scene, but we really want to start looking for more mature guys.
DANNY
Then you showed a lot of wisdom coming here for that.
LACEY
What do you do on the show, Matt?
MATT
I’m an executive producer and head writer.
LACEY
And what does that mean?
MATT
I write the show.
LACEY
And what does that mean, exactly?
MATT
Writing the show?
LACEY
I’m fascinated.
MATT
Me, too. It means I work with a staff of very talented writers –
TREASURE
Oh, my God. You guys, I think that’s Darren Wells down there!
SHAWNA
The baseball players?
SHAWNA
Look!
LACEY
It is.
TREASURE
Oh, Mr. Yummy!
LACEY
Forget it.
TREASURE
Why?
LACEY
Because he’s dating Harriet Hayes, I just read about it in Star.
DANNY
You guys want to come downstairs and hang out at the party?
MATT
Oh, yes, please, let’s.
LACEY
Have you ever met Harriet Hayes?
MATT
Yeah, I write the show.
[Studio 60 lobby]
ELI
I’m not a criminal, I’m not a criminal! I don’t want to get sent back to Tars and Spars!
SECURITY GUARD
Sir –
ELI
That’s my picture.
SECURITY GUARD
Please, sir –
ELI
No, I’m not a criminal!
CAL
Jerry!
SECURITY GUARD (JERRY)
It’s okay, Mr. Shanley. Sir, we have to escort you off the property, we don’t have a choice.
ELI
No, no choice, no choice, no choice at all?
JERRY
Listen to me, if you resist we have to call the West Hollywood police, now that’s not what you want.
ELI
No choice in the matter, no choice at all.
SECURITY GUARD
Then come on, please.
CAL
Hang on. Jerry, what happened?
JERRY
He got backstage, must have been in the audience. He doesn’t have a pass for the party. Also, he was trying to take this picture.
CAL
Let me see that. What’s your name?
ELI
What?
CAL
Sir?
ELI
Yeah?
CAL
I might be able to help you if you give me your name.
ELI
Oh, sure, sure, you gotta have a name, yeah, name. What’s in a name? It’s all in the name.
CAL
Listen, I don’t think this guy’s indigent, he’s just not dressed for it. And the thing is, this picture was on the wall in the basement corridor. He walked by a whole bunch of open dressing room doors with wallets and jewelry laid out and he also walked by about fifty laptops.
JERRY
So what’d’you think?
CAL
Well, he might have Alzheimer’s or something like that –
ELI
No, no, no, can’t go back to Tars and Spars!
CAL
What did you say? Sir, what did you say?
SECURITY GUARD
He’s been muttering something about Stars and Bars, he doesn’t want to go back to Stars and Bars. Is that a prison?
CAL
Tars and Spars.
ELI
Tars and Spars, yeah.
CAL
Sir, we’re going to make sure you get a ride back to where you live, would you mind sitting over in here for a few minutes?
ELI
No, no no no no no –
CAL
Ah, sir, now I’ll make you a deal. You sit down over here for a few minutes, I’ll let you take the picture.
ELI
Oh, that’s, that’s a very good bargain. That’s a good bargain. It’s a good deal.
JERRY
What’s going on?
CAL
He’s a fan of Sid Caesar, come on.
[Around the studio]
TOM
It began as a burlesque theatre called the Addison, and later I’ll show you where Gypsy Rose Lee signed her name on the wall backstage.
MRS. JETER
What, the stripper?
TOM
THE stripper.
MRS. JETER
Tommy, tell me you don’t go to those places.
TOM
I don’t.
MRS. JETER
Because coming in here I saw this neighborhood –
TOM
I don’t, Mom. I like looking at naked women as much as anybody, I just don’t like it to be a crowd experience.
MRS. JETER
I don’t like this talk.
TOM
I understand. Anyway, burlesque became vaudeville and the biggest acts in the business played the Addison. Donna Miche (sp?), Eddie Cantor, Burns & Allen, Eva Tanguay, and one night two young guys named Bud Abbott and Lou Costello tried out a new piece of material here called “Who’s on First?”
MR. JETER
You say that like it’s famous.
TOM
It is, it’s “Who’s on First?”
MRS. JETER
Say it again?
TOM
Abbott and Costello, “Who’s on First?”
MRS. JETER
Honey, Dad and I don’t watch Comedy Central.
TOM
No, it’s old. It’s from vaudeville, it’s the most famous piece of American comedy ever, and it was genius.
MR. JETER
Well –
TOM
It was, Dad, and I’m amazed that you’ve never…. It was two guys, and one of them had just bought a baseball team, and the other guy wants to know the names of the players, and the first baseman’s named…. To explain this I think we’d find ourselves in the middle of a whole new sketch, let’s, let’s keep walking.
[Wrap Party]
LACEY
Oh, my God, is it even possible that it is Sting standing over there?
TREASURE
That is Sting!
SHAWNA
That is the actual Sting.
LACEY
Now, when you say you write the show, what does that mean, exactly?
MATT
Like in a movie or a play, the show is scripted, which is to say the performers aren’t making it up as they go along. I’m the guy in charge of making up what they do and say.
SHAWNA
Do you think one day they might let you be in the show?
MATT
First of all, “they” is “us,” him and me, we’re the executive producers. I’m not a performer, I’m a writer, there are two completely different skill sets involved.
TREASURE
Oh, my God, it’s Simon Styles! He’s coming right over here, do you know him?
MATT
He works for me!
DANNY
Hey, Sim.
SIMON
Hey, excuse me, Matt, you got a minute?
MATT
Sure.
LACEY
Introduce us!
MATT
Simon, this is Lacey, Shawna, and Trinket.
TREASURE
Treasure.
MATT
Treasure.
SIMON
How do you do?
MATT
Excuse me, I’ll be right back. Thanks for saving me.
SIMON
No problem. I got a call from Bud Freeman over at the Improv. He says there’s a comic up from New York called Willy Wilson, or Willy Wilz he goes by sometimes. Bud thinks he might be a good writer for the room.
MATT
I don’t know him.
SIMON
Yeah, me neither, that’s why I’d like you to come to the Improv with me for a few minutes ‘cause he’s doing a set at 11.
MATT
Look, I would, but –
SIMON
Oh, come on –
MATT
I got Harriet floating around with Sandy Koufax, I’m just really not in the mood to go look at a fake brick wall. Why don’t you tell Danny, and he’ll get some tape on the guy.
SIMON
No, man, don’t blow this over to Danny. If it was Tom or Jeannie or Harry, you wouldn’t blow this over to Danny.
MATT
What are you talking about? If it isn’t about the writing, I blow everything over to Danny that isn’t nailed down.
SIMON
Well, this is about writing!
MATT
Okay, well, I have to go back, because somewhere there was an implication that I treat you different from the rest of the cast.
SIMON
I’d like to see more black writers on your staff, or a black writer on your staff.
MATT
It’s not my staff, I didn’t hire these guys! Ricky and Ron did! As their contracts run out we’ll see what’s what. Is this a diversity issue?
SIMON
Yeah.
MATT
Okay.
SIMON
No, it’s not a diversity issue. Yeah, sure, you might consider it just for the hell of it, having somebody in there who didn’t go to Harvard –
MATT
I didn’t go to Harvard! If it isn’t a diversity issue, then what are you saying? Are you not, am I not writing well enough for you?
SIMON
Please!
MATT
But you think I need to bring in help from the bullpen once in a while to write for a black guy.
SIMON
I think there’s comedy to be found in experiences that are far removed from your own. And I think there’s a dramatic and musical language in which you’re not fluent.
MATT
There are a lot of languages in which I’m not fluent.
SIMON
Matt –
MATT
I was a bartender at the Gershwin for Patti Labelle, and in the main lobby there’s this huge bar. Seven bartenders, one of them black. At intermission 2000 people pour into the lobby, 1950 of them black, and they all line up in front of this guy’s station, and I thought, “What the hell are they doing? They think this is the guy who knows how to make the black drinks? I can mix a Courvoisier and Diet Coke like anybody else.”
SIMON
See? That’s a joke you’d never make on the air ‘cause your liberal guilt will come spraying between your ears.
MATT
I’m sorry if my on-air material isn’t racist enough for you.
SIMON
It’s insulting to me that there are no black writers in the room.
MATT
It’s insulting to me that you think I need help!
SIMON
Well, you’re just going to have to be insulted, then.
MATT
We’ll take my car.
[Backstage]
HARRIET
I didn’t go up there to do anything. I went up there to tell him that Simon’s mike was on when he was talking to Tom about the Star-Spangled Banner, The 700 Club, and you. He needed to know that Martha O’Dell had that stuff in her notebook.
JEANNIE
And you ended up almost kissing him.
HARRIET
Not even almost, and there’s no reason anyone else needs to know, please don’t tell Samantha.
SAMANTHA
I’m right here.
HARRIET
Yeah, that’s right.
JORDAN
Excuse me?
HARRIET
Jordan?
JORDAN
Hi. Hi Jeannie, Samantha, a great show tonight.
HARRIET
Thanks. Hey, we heard you got Trevor Loughlin’s pilot script about the UN.
JORDAN
Yes, he was going to go to HBO but Danny, as a matter of fact, was the one who talked him over to us.
HARRIET
Danny’s very persuasive.
JORDAN
Yeah, so, I don’t have any friends.
HARRIET
Because you bought Trevor Loughlin’s script?
JORDAN
No, I mean in general. I used to have friends, I was very popular; in my high school yearbook I was voted second runner-up for ‘Life of the Party.’
HARRIET
Really?
JORDAN
Yeah.
SAMANTHA
Just missed that top spot by two.
JORDAN
I know.
JEANNIE
Bummer.
JORDAN
Tell me.
HARRIET
Jordan.
JORDAN
Yeah?
HARRIET
Are you trying to make friends now?
JORDAN
How am I doing?
HARRIET
Fine. Would you like to hang with us at the party?
JORDAN
I would love to. I think if you’d give me a chance, you’d find me delightful.
HARRIET
All right, well, let’s not go for too much on your first try.
JORDAN
Understood.
JEANNIE
We’ve got to go out there and say hi to a couple people, but we’ll hook up with you.
JORDAN
This is so great.
JEANNIE
Relax.
JORDAN
Okay.
HARRIET
Also, I’m meeting up with a guy –
JORDAN
Oh, the baseball player!
HARRIET
Darren Wells, yeah.
JORDAN
My secretary had a copy of In Touch open on her desk, and there was a blurb about you next to a blurb about me speculating about the various men I’ve been with in underground sex clubs.
HARRIET
Yeah.
JORDAN
My father enjoyed reading that.
HARRIET
I’ll bet. Wanna go out?
JORDAN
Yeah. How did you guys meet?
HARRIET
Darren and me?
JORDAN
Yeah.
HARRIET
I was singing the National Anthem at a Dodger Game and he signed a bat for me and wrote his phone number on it.
JORDAN
Oh, nice.
HARRIET
Yeah.
JORDAN
You think there’s any chance he’d write an autograph for my nephew? He’s got a collection.
HARRIET
Sure.
JORDAN
All right, then my current task is to find a baseball.
HARRIET
Guys?
ALEX
Yes?
HARRIET
Have you met Jordan McDeere?
ALEX
We haven’t.
HARRIET
This is Alex Dwyer and Dylan Killington.
JORDAN
I’m a big, big fan. You guys do a great job.
DYLAN
Oh, thank you, Ms. McDeere, we appreciate that.
JORDAN
Oh, call me… no, call me Ms. McDeere, I like that.
HARRIET
Jordan needs a baseball, I thought one of you guys might have one?
DYLAN
Yeah, either that or in the prop room.
HARRIET
Can you help her?
DYLAN
Sure.
JORDAN
Also, I find myself in the market for some new friends, so just so you know, if anything develops in that arena, I’m open to it.
ALEX
Okay, great.
[Back room]
CAL
Thank you for waiting. Tars and Spars, huh?
ELI
Yeah, yeah.
CAL
Listen, what I want to do is get you home. You’re not in any trouble at all. I just need your name.
ELI
Bessie Biberman.
CAL
Bessie, Bessie, Bessie Biberman. B-i-b-e-r…
ELI
No, no, no… Scott Trumbo.
CAL
Uh, is it Bessie Biberman or Scott Trumbo?
ELI
Cole Lardner.
CAL
Sir, do you have a wallet or any identification? Okay, what I’m going to do is I’d like to reach inside your jacket to see if you have a wallet, but before I do it I’m going to bring a third person in, because frankly, nothing personal, but I need a witness that I didn’t do anything wrong. Would you wait here another moment, please?
ELI
Good bargain, that’s a good deal. That’s a great, great deal. It’s a steal!
CAL
Okay.
[Hallway]
CAL
Hey!
DANNY
Hey, where ya been?
CAL
Listen, there’s a guy, an old guy, eighty-something, he wandered backstage and he’s lost, and he wasn’t all there to begin with, and he just kinda mutters like Geoffrey Rush in “Shine”, and one of the things he said was, “Don’t send me back to Tars and Spars.”
DANNY
That was Sid Caesar’s thing, wasn’t it?
CAL
Yeah, Caesar played saxophone in the Tars and Spars band in the Coast Guard during World War II until someone found out he was funny and put him out front. When he was on TV he told the writers to be good, you didn’t want to be sent back to Tars and Spars.
DANNY
What’s his name?
CAL
I asked, he gave me three names: Bessie Biberman, Scott Trumbo, Cole Lardner. What?
DANNY
He’s messing with you.
CAL
What’d’you mean?
DANNY
Those aren’t three names, they’re six names: Bessie, Biberman, Scott, Trumbo, Cole, Lardner. He named you six of the Hollywood Ten.
CAL
This guy’s playing me?
DANNY
Let Security deal with it.
CAL
Can’t find his way home but he can do an anagram?
[Around the studio]
TOM
In 1926 two brothers named Jack and Harry Warner used the Addison to hold the first test of adding sound to moving pictures. The Warner brothers bought it and converted it into a movie palace. The first movie they showed here was “The Jazz Singer.”
MRS. JETER
Oh!
TOM
The story of a guy who wanted to do something for a living his dad didn’t like.
MR. JETER
I get it, Mark.
TOM
Tom.
MR. JETER
Sorry, Tom.
TOM
It was a movie theatre until November 30, 1931, exactly one week before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s when a fledgling network of radio stations called the National Broadcasting System, in a effort to compete with its older and better established cousins CBS and NBC, bought the Addison, gutted it, keeping all the original architecture and art deco fixtures and turned it into a broadcast studio for radio plays. The most famous of these was a Sunday night series called the “Studio 60 Theatre of the Air.” After the war, radio gave way to television, the show here was called “The NBS/Filco Comedy Hour,” which no one’s ever heard of because it had the misfortune of being programmed first against “The Colgate Comedy Hour,” and then “The Texaco Star Theatre.” Then it was cancelled after its cast and writing staff were decimated by the blacklist. In 1959, NBS renamed the theatre after its most famous tenant, and the Addison became Studio 60.
MR. JETER
One question.
TOM
Yeah?
MR. JETER
When did you become an interior decorator?
TOM
Dad –
MR. JETER
Art deco fixtures.
TOM
I’m just telling you a story, Dad. Trying to take your mind off of it. That’s what I do.
MRS. JETER
Okay, I don’t want you two to fight. Tommy, tell us how you put the skits together.
TOM
We don’t do skits, Mom. Skits are when the football players dress up as the cheerleaders and think it’s wit. Sketches are when some of the best minds in comedy come together and put together a national comedy show that’s watched and talked about by millions of people!
MR. JETER
Don’t you talk to your mother like that.
TOM
I’m trying to tell you that you’re standing in the middle of the Paris Opera House of American television!
MR. JETER
That’s swell, Tom, but your little brother is standing in the middle of Afghanistan!
TOM
All right, it’s okay. It’s okay.
[Improv club]
BOUNCER
Come on, guys, all right, they’ve only got a minute here, they’re only going to be a minute, they don’t have time to hear fifteen sitcom pitches, let’s go, come on.
WARM-UP ACT
“Hold it between your knees.” Not a lot of Nicholson fans here tonight, huh? Okay, well, our next comic’s here from New York City, where’s he’s been wowing audiences at Dangerfield’s and Caroline’s. You may have seen him on “Showtime at the Apollo.” Let’s give it up for Willy Wilz!
WILLY
Yo, okay, what’s happening? Okay, I see we’ve got some white people in the house tonight. I got a little pet name I use for white people. It’s spelled ‘bitches.’ I tell you what makes me laugh, though. Getting in an argument with white people, ‘cause you can’t do it. We don’t speak the same language, ‘cause when I get in an argument I’m like, “What? Bitch, you want to step to me? I’ll take you outside and give you a beatdown!” White dude’s like, “Okey dokey there, homie. We’ll go have a tete-a-tete brohound to brohound.” But I don’t hate white people. See, I love the fact that y’all insist on paying your damn bills on time. White people go out of town, they pay their light, car, gas, rent, everything. Months in advance, just in case they get waylaid in Honolulu or something. When black people go out of town, we say, “See you in court, bitch!” Matter of fact, if you the landlord and black people go out of town, guess what? You just got your bitchass chumped. But I will say this, black people make more black people. We love to have kids, man. I got babymamas on top of babymamas, for real. I done ran out of names for my kids, man, my next son’s name is “Oops.” If I got one more kid I can start my own football team –
MATT
Simon…
SIMON
For real.
MATT
Look, maybe the rest gets better.
SIMON
I can do the rest. Something tells me Willy likes his bitches with a big ol’ ass.
WILLY
…just with a big ol’ ba-donky-a-donk ass I could put a saddle on, I could be like bam! bam!
SIMON
There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black, and apparently, the biggest difference is that we don’t pay our bills, respect the law, women, or each other.
MATT
Maybe he just needs –
SIMON
What he needs is a bottle, a Colt .45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
MATT
It wasn’t that bad.
SIMON
Don’t patronize me!
MATT
Okay.
SIMON
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I dragged you out here, you have better things to do with your time off.
MATT
No, I don’t. Come on, let’s sit down and have a couple of beers. Come on.
SIMON
All right, I’m buying.
MATT
Damn right.
[Back room (Cal’s office, maybe?)]
CAL
Okay, sir, this is Lilly Rodriguez, our assistant director. I’m going to reach inside your jacket. And we score. Department of Veteran Affairs. Your name is Eli Weintrob. It doesn’t say where he lives, does the VA have a number I can call this late on a Friday?
LILLY
I don’t know, but I have someone at home I can call who can access the L.A. County database.
CAL
Who?
LILLY
Well, they’re going to be giving me information they’re not allowed to be giving out, so I can’t –
CAL
Is there anyone willing to say a name tonight?
LILLY
Relax, I’m going to get him home.
CAL
Nice trick with the Hollywood Ten, but I’m not as dumb as I look.
ELI
Heh, yeah.
[Wrap party]
LACEY
We’ve been dating in the rock scene, but we’ve been thinking about athletes.
DARREN’S FRIEND (LC)
Well, that’s great because athletes have been thinking about you.
LACEY
Yeah?
SHAWNA
Yeah?
LACEY
Like how?
LC
Well…
JORDAN
Excuse me?
DARREN’S GUARD
Whoa, whoa, what can I do for you?
JORDAN
Nothing, but thanks for asking. I’m Jordan McDeere, and you’re drinking my booze.
DARREN
It’s okay, she’s the President of the Network. Sorry about that, I’m Darren Wells.
JORDAN
Yes, I know.
DARREN
I’ve been reading about you.
JORDAN
Yeah, listen, I was hoping you’d sign a baseball for me. Uh, we’ve been looking pretty hard for a baseball and here’s what we’ve come up with, so…
DYLAN
Uh, this is an orange that Props painted to look like a baseball.
ALEX
And this one explodes.
JORDAN
These are my friends.
DARREN
It’s okay, we’ve got a baseball. LC?
JORDAN
Wow, you just carry your own baseballs? That is efficient.
DARREN
Yeah. So, you like the clubs?
JORDAN
The Cubs?
DARREN
The clubs. I been reading.
JORDAN
Oh, come on. Give me a break. Appreciate it, thank you.
[Back room]
CAL
So it turns out you’re a war hero, huh? We called them over at the Washerman Assisted Living Residence, they were very worried about ya. You got a lot of friends over there. We called you a cab, and Lilly’s going to see you home. Listen, I’m sorry, before the cab gets here? I’m a real World War II buff, I used to set up scenes with toy soldiers that I used to paint myself, and then I’d shoot it in super-8, which would help explain why I didn’t kiss a girl until I was 19. You were a part of Flotilla 10, Operation Overlord?
LILLY
What was Operation Overlord?
CAL
You know it by another name.
LILLY
What?
CAL
The invasion of Normandy. Headquarters 116th infantry, you left Weyworth, England on June 5th aboard the USS LCI. (Landing craft didn’t get names.) You landed the next day, June 6th. A man-rope ran to the beach, weaving between stakes topped with Teller mines. The thing is, when the tide rose, the boat swung toward a stake and detonated one of the mines, exploding at the port bow. You took shrapnel at your chest and face. Is that how you got that scar? Well, anyway, you won World War II, so thanks. It was nice meeting you. Lilly will take care of you from here. Whoa, wait, the picture, I almost forgot, a promise is a promise. I don’t know why you’d want it, but you worked hard enough to get it, so…
LILLY
Cal?
CAL
What does this look like to you?
LILLY
It looks like that guy’s got a scar on his face –
CAL
This is you?
ELI
I only had the one sketch get on the air before…
CAL
Before what?
ELI
Clifford Odets. I met him once, but no one believes me now. Was at a dinner at Muso and Franks [sp?] the night before he was going to Washington to testify, and he, he slammed his fist down on the table, and he said, “By God, I’ll show them the face of a radical.” The next day he named names. That’s what killed him, you know. He died from that.
CAL
We’re going to hold off on that cab for a minute. Lilly, why don’t you put him in the writers’ room.
[Improv club]
SIMON
I’m living in a new house now. You haven’t been there. I’m up in the hills, near the Hollywood sign. And from my pool I can see South Central. I saw a murder up close when I was 15. 3 guys shot a friend of ours 10 times in the chest with .38s. You know, it doesn’t look like it does in the movies. Ask a homicide cop, it ain’t poetry in motion, it’s…. Everything inside comes out of every part of you. Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were going to kill these guys who did it. And when it was time the leader of the guys I ran with, a guy named Darnell, turned to me and said, “You’re not going.” I said, “Like hell I’m not going.” He said, “You’re not going. You go, and I kill you first.” Those guys are all doing consecutive life sentences, no chance of parole. They weren’t charged as juveniles. Darnell is in a maximum security facility in Minnesota. Every month I send him the only things I’m allowed to send him: cigarettes and stamps. I can see it from my pool, Matt, and if I don’t reach in there and grab as many as I can carry, every day, then I deserve to get sent right back to it. But there’s nothing I can do for Willy Wilz.
MATT
Whoever’s up there now is getting met with pretty stunning indifference.
SIMON
I’ve got babymamas all over the place. I got so many kids, I’ve run out of names.
MATT
Hang on.
SIMON
You stepping to, you bitchass white boy?
MATT
Hang on.
SIMON
I will bitch your bitchass all over this motherbitching bee-otch!
MATT
Shut up a second!
DARIUS
…and to be completely honest with you, where I come from, you could do a whole lot worse. I’m not sure I’m in step with the rest of the African-American community. I mean, I carry the scars of slavery just like everybody else, but somehow, it’s important for me to know that, while slaves, we were good while stacked up to other slaves throughout history, and I don’t know if we were. You know, I’m looking at the Pyramids of Egypt, which were built by slaves, and I’m thinking to myself, “Whoa. Nobody told us we could use geometry.” God sent the Hebrew slaves Moses, and don’t get me wrong, I like the Emancipation Proclamation, but the Hebrews got a burning bush, plague, slaying of the firstborn, parting of the Red Sea… we got a memo. “Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.” All right, thanks and everything, but you were phoning that in, and you know it.
CROWD
You’re boring!
SIMON
Block it out.
DARIUS
I don’t think the way I’m supposed to think. You know, I went to the barbershop, sat down in the chair, and the barber picked up a pair of scissors and lit up a joint at the same time. Stuff smelled out of this world. I mean, someone spent a lot of time into the growing of this weed. This is one-hit pot, and he tells me he can sell me some for ten dollars. I should be thinking, “Here’s a wasted guy with a pair of scissors pointed at my head,” but what I’m thinking is, “How can he sell so fine a product at such affordable prices?”
MATT
He just needs discipline.
DARIUS
And that’s my show.
[Improv backstage]
MATT
I’m Matt Albie, this is Simon Styles.
DARIUS
I know, I know. Were you just there?
SIMON
You just got your ass kicked.
DARIUS
I know that, too. It was my ass.
SIMON
No, I don’t think you understand. That was the worst stand-up performance I’ve ever seen. Gallagher, anybody.
DARIUS
You know, I’m a pretty bright guy, I don’t need no one coming in here and telling me I’m no good at this. Least of all two millionaire movie stars.
SIMON
Was this your first time?
DARIUS
No, it was my last. Good night.
SIMON
You grew up near SC.
DARIUS
How’d you know that?
SIMON
South or north of the park?
DARIUS
South.
SIMON
East or west of Minlow?
DARIUS
East.
SIMON
That’s mostly dead end streets.
DARIUS
I live on one that’s not.
SIMON
I did, too.
DARIUS
I got a bus to catch.
SIMON
Where you going?
DARIUS
To hook up with my friends.
SIMON
Not tonight.
DARIUS
What do you mean?
SIMON
You’re not going.
DARIUS
Listen, Mr. Styles, I don’t work for you guys.
SIMON
Yeah, you do. You come early, and you stay late. You listen to everything he says, and you watch everything he does. And he’s going to turn you into a writer.
DARIUS
What the hell are you talking about?
MATT
You just got hired as a staff writer for Studio 60. Come back with us now, you’ll meet some people.
SIMON
You’re in the batter’s box now, boy. Don’t even think about letting me down. All right? All right?
DARIUS
Yes, sir.
[Studio 60 parking lot]
MRS. JETER
It was a very nice show, Tommy, you were very funny.
TOM
Thanks.
MRS. JETER
And I know you sent Mark’s unit the body armor they needed.
TOM
The show’s getting pretty good advice on the units that need it the most, so we’ll keep doing it.
MRS. JETER
Dad wishes he could help pay for it, but –
TOM
No, no, you guys should start getting back, it’s a long drive to Yosemite; you sure you won’t spend the night?
MRS. JETER
You know your father.
TOM
Yeah, I do. Dad?
MR. JETER
We’ll take the 134 to 5, there shouldn’t be this much traffic this time of night –
TOM
Dad, you still have a turntable at home, right? A record player?
MR. JETER
I don’t have any use for a CD player, Tom. Music sounds just fine coming out of a –
TOM
No, I wanted to give you this. It’s a recording of “Who’s on First?” You gotta set your turntable to 78, when you get home you’re gonna laugh. And you’re going to listen to it over and over again, and you’re going to laugh every time. I love you, Dad, and whether you like it or not you taught me everything I know.
MR. JETER
You all right? You need any money?
TOM
I’m fine.
[Wrap party]
JACK
[singing] Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are blowing…
DANNY
Hey, Jack.
JACK
Don’t “Hey Jack” me.
DANNY
Why not?
JACK
‘Cause I’m looking for a fight and it’s gonna be you.
DANNY
Nah.
JACK
Oh, yeah.
DANNY
Really?
JACK
Yes, sir. But before I reach down your throat and squeeze your kidneys with my hand, I want to thank you for helping Jordan to acquire for NBS a television series about the United Nations, ‘cause that’s got smash hit written all over it. I’m thinking of premiering it against the Super Bowl.
DANNY
Jack…
JACK
America’s been waiting for a show about negotiating lasting peace in the Sudan.
DANNY
Jack…
JACK
I hope we’ll hold off on the debate over humanitarian aid to Darfur until Fall Sweeps! Ah, doesn’t matter! Any episode will be a winner as long as it’s about the UN! ‘Cause Americans are just crazy about the UN! We just can’t get enough of their freewheeling, sexy, buccaneer style. I foresee a couple of problems, like the fact that no one at the UN speaks the same language, but that’s okay, because if there’s one thing every teenager loves, it’s subtitles! You see it as part of your job to screw with my company, don’t you?
DANNY
No, I do not, it’s just one of the perks.
JACK
Fight me, right now!
MARYLYN
Jack!
CAL
Excuse me, gentlemen. Danny, there’s someone in the writers’ room you’re gonna want to meet.
DANNY
What’s going on?
CAL
In the writers’ room.
[Backstage]
HARRIET
Are you going?
JORDAN
Oh. You scared me.
HARRIET
Sorry.
JORDAN
Yeah, I left my coat and purse in your dressing room, I hope you don’t mind my –
HARRIET
No, but you need to get the baseball signed.
JORDAN
I did. He was, he was very nice, thank you.
HARRIET
What did he write?
JORDAN
You know, it was just –
HARRIET
Did he write something funny? Let me see?
JORDAN
It’s in my purse.
HARRIET
Well, can I see? He wrote his phone number, didn’t he? I deserve that.
JORDAN
Why?
HARRIET
He’s the anti-Matt.
JORDAN
I threw the ball in a dumpster. Then I fell into the dumpster, it’s a long story.
HARRIET
Well, with someone with no friends, you’re a natural.
JORDAN
Yeah?
HARRIET
How did two people beat you out for life of the party?
JORDAN
I know! It’s unfamothable. Fathomable. That’s a hard word to say, fathomable. Fathomable.
HARRIET
All right, settle down.
JORDAN
Okay.
[Writers’ room]
CAL
Guys, I want you to meet Eli Weintrob, freshman writer for the Filco Comedy Hour, Live from Studio 60.
MATT
Hi, I’m Matthew Albie, I’m the head writer here now.
ELI
Hello.
DANNY
Daniel Tripp, I’m the executive producer.
ELI
Good.
DANNY
If you have three or four hours, we’d love for you to tell us everything you can remember about how the show was run.
ELI
Three or four hours.
DANNY
Not a lot of those people were heard from again, Mr. Weintrob. Were you blacklisted?
CAL
After one sketch. You can start by telling us who the other guys are in the picture. You can say their names now.
ELI
Oh, all right. All right. This is Lou Hawley. He was the funniest guy in the room. And this is Benny Shapiro, Tony Giarnelli – Tony never talked, except to Benny –
CAL
Does that remind you of anybody?
ELI
This one is Eugene Bookman. He always liked political humor. Of course, the network was not comfortable with that in those days.
DANNY
In those days.
ELI
This is Jules Wexler. He was best at coming up with physical comedy: a prat fall, the door slamming, a pie in the face. And this, this is Rosemary McGann. I don’t know what happened to her. I know I remember I had a crush on her. I guess we all did. You know, sometimes I think the only reason I got a sketch on the air is that I was trying to write well enough so that she would notice me. Yeah. Up here, on the top, are the Goodman brothers, who were always very angry because they thought they were funnier than the Marx brothers. No one is funnier than the Marx brothers, only sometimes Phil Silvers. Listen, don’t tell that to Milton Berle, he gets very angry…
Again, let me know if you see any errors. I know there were a couple names named that I just couldn't pick out.
