1x05
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x05: The Long Lead Story
Written by: Dana Calvo (story) and Aaron Sorkin (teleplay)
Directed by: David Petrarca
Original Airing: October 16, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
MATT
Oh holy mother of God, am I eating it. This would be a lot easier if you weren't staring at me.
MARTHA
Huh?
MATT
I said this would be easier if you weren't staring at me.
MARTHA
I’ll bet it would.
MATT
Yeah.
MARTHA
You drawing a blank?
MATT
Yeah.
MARTHA
Isn't that the worst?
MATT
Yeah.
MARTHA
What're you gonna do?
MATT
What do you mean?
MARTHA
To get going again?
MATT
Well I’m gonna ask you to stop talking.
MARTHA
Sure. (beat) Didn't help, did it?
MATT
Yeah, I really need you to be someplace else.
MARTHA
Total access or there’s no story.
MATT
I don't care if there’s no story. I care if there’s no show in twenty-one hours.
MARTHA
Twenty hours, Thirty eight minutes......
MATT
…What are you doing?
MARTHA
Just checking the make.
MATT
For description?
MARTHA
It's a ten thousand word piece, they're not all gonna be winners. The numbers in the corners of the cards. They are the running times of each sketch, right?
MATT
Yeah.
MARTHA
So you've got what, fifty seven thirty plus five twenty for News 60, plus seven forty five for Sting. You've got an hour ten minutes, thirty five seconds.
MATT
Yeah
MARTHA
Only 19 minutes twenty five seconds more to write.
MATT
There's a three thirty commercial break.
MARTHA
So fifteen minutes, fifty five seconds.
MATT
What are you, Math Girl?
MARTHA
It's addition and subtraction Matt. We're not doing a lot of advance cryptography tonight.
MATT
You've covered presidential campaigns You've covered presidents, you've covered wars. What are you writing about a TV show for?
MARTHA
What are you writing a TV show for?
MATT
I'm not, I'm watching you dust my office for prints.
MARTHA
I'm writing about it, because what's happened here is important. I think what's happening here is important. I think popular culture in general and this show in particular, are important.
TOM
Excuse me, wardrobe wanted you to approve this.
MATT
Yeah, it's good. Hang on. That’s supposed to be a lobster costume right?
TOM
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah, then it's fine.
TOM
Great.
MARTHA
Matt?
MATT
Yeah.
MARTHA
You know, we don’t know each other very well, but-
MATT
You’ve spent every hour with me for five days in a row. At this point you know me better than my parents.
MARTHA
I don't know your parents at all.
MATT
I meant-
MARTHA
I know what you meant, I was doing a dangling modifier joke.
MATT
Yeah, I stopped doing that to people in high school after the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker.
MARTHA
I was going to say we don’t know each other very well, but I am someone who can empathize. When I had broken up with somebody I really liked, I’ve had a hard time writing my column for months. I just lose interest in being interesting and I'm not even under an obligation like you to be funny.
MATT
Martha?
MARTHA
Yeah.
MATT
You're not gonna suck me into a conversation about Harriet.
MARTHA
I bet I will.
MATT
Hundred bucks
MARTHA
Done
MATT
Okay.
MARTHA
Matt
MATT
Yeah
MARTHA
Twenty hours, thirty five minutes until airtime.
MATT
Yeah.
MARTHA
That's cutting it a little close is it?
MATT
Yeah
MARTHA
So. Here's my question. Is the fear of failure on such a massive scale a helpful motivation?
MATT
You really wouldn't rather be in Baghdad right now?
MARTHA
No, but you know what I think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna spend some time with the cast.
MATT
Harriet?
MARTHA
She is a member of the cast. I like talking to you guys late at night. You get pretty dopey.
MATT
Knock yourself out.
MARTHA
The lobster sketch isn’t funny yet.
MATT
Tell me something I don't know, Woodward. I...Am...Eating...It...
==============
DANNY
Good camouflage. No one would recognize you.
JORDAN
I’m sorry I’m late.
DANNY
No problem.
JORDAN
You coming from work?
DANNY
I’m coming from a meeting, I’m going to work.
JORDAN
A meeting with who?
DANNY
I can't tell you.
JORDAN
Why not?
DANNY
Cause the second A starts for Anonymous.
JORDAN
That kind of meeting. This late?
DANNY
Any hour of the day. How can I help you?
JORDAN
You know, there's nothing wrong with chatting for a second
DANNY
We just did. There was the baseball cap and… there was… something else…
JORDAN
Look…
DANNY
Maybe it was just the baseball cap.
JORDAN
I really haven’t done enough to win your respect?
DANNY
Who says I don’t respect you? Jordan, what do you need?
JORDAN
You know Trevor Laughlin.
DANNY
I know him very well.
JORDAN
He wrote a pilot script and it’s good. It’s called Nations. Each season takes place during a session of the UN. It sounds like it should be unbearable but it’s not. It's energetic, it's tense it's emotional, it’s… I swear to god it’s funny.
DANNY
I’ve read it
JORDAN
And?
DANNY
I agree with everything you said, but if I had said it, I would have used more sophisticated adjectives.
JORDAN
Good for you. HBO wants it.
DANNY
I know that too.
JORDAN
Will you help me persuade him to come to NBS?
DANNY
No
JORDAN
No what?
DANNY
No... Ma'am?
WAITRESS
Hi! What can I bring you?
JORDAN
What are you having?
DANNY
Uh, Lipton tea.
JORDAN
Chivas with ice please. Is that okay with you?
DANNY
What?
JORDAN
Drinking in front of you?
DANNY
We’re in a bar.
JORDAN
You won’t help me with Trevor Laughlin?
DANNY
No.
JORDAN
Why.
DANNY
He should be at HBO.
JORDAN
Why?
DANNY
HBO's better.
JORDAN
Help me with Trevor Laughlin.
DANNY
This is a young playwright coming out of New York with a lot of promise. I start steering at these guys in the wrong direction, you know what’s gonna happen?
JORDAN
You lose your street cred?
DANNY
That’s right.
JORDAN
You have street cred?
DANNY
I do.
JORDAN
Help me with this.
DANNY
I don't think his show is quite right for your network.
JORDAN
Why?
DANNY
It's good
JORDAN
You're right. Can’t imagine why I think you don’t respect me.
FASTEST WAITRESS EVER
Here you go.
DANNY
Your scotch is here.
JORDAN
Thank you.
DANNY
Look, you mind drinking alone? I should get back to the theater. Matt should be melting down right about now.
JORDAN
No problem, Snoop Dog.
-----
CAL
Alright, settle, mark it from the top. We have the music, we have the chyron. And action.
HARRIET (as Nancy Grace)
Welcome back. We continue to follow the horrifying Christie Lambert saga.
CAL
VTR “Day seven: Taken in the Night, Christie Lambert”
HARRIET
A young Bennington -
CAL
Picture over the shoulder…
HARRIET
-college senior on a hard earned break. After six weeks of classes, goes to the island of Martinique with three of her friends. Her cell phone goes missing, now believed stolen. Physically removed from the Half Moon Bay Ramada or possibly lost during Bacardi Jello Shot Hour at Cap’n Luther's Shrimp Shack. We’re joined now by Lieutenant Francois Lurtell. Good evening.
SIMON
Good evening.
HARRIET
First is there any good news to report.
SIMON
This is a missing cell phone and your program has had me on every day, I really be out doing other things-
HARRIET
Excuse me sir. Excuse me. I happen to be a former prosecutor.
SIMON
Yes ma'am, I know that, so I would think that you of all people would want to see law enforcement able to do their job.
HARRIET
Where are you standing?
SIMON
Police headquarters, which as you can see, has no door or roof.
HARRIET
Well stay right there Lieutenant, cause we have-
CAL
Hold please. Simon's green screen’s gonna have to be stage left camera right. We’re not gonna have the lobster set struck in time. Where can we put Jeannie?
LILLY
Tunnel one.
CAL
Jeannie’s dorm room set is Tunnel one. And go head.
HARRIET
Well stay right there, cause we've got christy, live on our satellite feed in her dorm room in Bennington Vermont. Christy are you hanging in there?
JEANNIE
Thank you Nancy. I’ve had a great support system.
SIMON
Can I go?
HARRIET
No! Christie. Take us back once again to the last time you saw your cell phone.
JEANNIE
Well, I was partying as I told you on the beach with Jen and KiKi?
HARRIET
Jennifer Sullivan and KiKi Campbell. Jen studying veterinary sciences, Kiki – dance major with a minor in French.
JEANNIE
She's practically fluent.
SIMON
Nancy-
HARRIET
You'll get your turn sir.
JEANNIE
Then we went up to our room to change.
HARRIET
Lieutenant, I'm assuming you’ve run all this information through your computer and cross checked it with the FBI central database.
SIMON
Our computer is a Commodore 64. It was a gift from the captain of a Princess Cruise in 1982. Nancy what are those names running quickly across the screen?
HARRIET
As a former prosecutor, I’m sensitive to the reality that Christie’s phone isn’t the only phone missing to date. That’s why I run the names of black, poor or ugly people who have also lost their phones and need the public to be aware.
SIMON
Okay this is really-
HARRIET
Christie, you were meeting up with Michael. I’m getting that right?
JEANNIE
Yes.
HARRIET
Michael Sooner, lacrosse player, spent the day parasailing. Then what?
JEANNIE
Then we went over to Michael’s room and went out on the balcony.
HARRIET
Balcony, suspended platform, exterior to a room. Frequently found in a temperate or tropical climate.
JEANNIE
So Michael had weed. … Newsflash!
CAL
Hold please. That’s all I need.
LILLY
We should start the sound check.
CAL
Wrap em.
LILLY
We're gonna play some seventeenth century English folk songs out here. The cast is wrapped for the night. Standard calls in the morning, check your call sheets.
MARTHA
Harriet?
HARRIET
Hi.
MARTHA
You got a minute?
HARRIET
Sure. It’s a little late.
MARTHA
Well, I'm gone for the next few weeks. I’ll be covering some of the House races.
HARRIET
Which ones?
MARTHA
A couple where there are stories. A couple where there are just good jokes.
HARRIET
I know the feeling.
MARTHA
Nancy Grace sketch is funny.
HARRIET
Yeah, thank you. Simon and Jeannie have got very special timing and Matt knows how to get it in their strike zone.
MARTHA
I've spent most of the week with Matt and I wanted to talk with you before I left. This will be the first of many conversations, so we don’t have to do everything now. I know you want to get to sleep.
HARRIET
Well everyone here's a big fan of yours Martha.
MARTHA
Really?
HARRIET
Yeah.
MARTHA
How would I be referred to in your parent’s house?
HARRIET
The Devil’s Whore from Washington.
MARTHA
Yeah, I’m actually the Devil’s Whore from Bethesda.
SUZANNE
Harriet, the news 60 rundown is being moved to ten so they’d like you to do the still photo shoot at eight.
HARRIET
Well, 8 in the morning is my best look, so count me in.
SUZANNE
Thank you.
HARRIET
You know, if you want to talk to somebody, you should talk to her. Talk to the Pas. First ones here, last ones to leave, $350 a week.
MARTHA
I will.
HARRIET
And the interns.
MARTHA
I was thinking that Harriet’s an unusually name.
HARRIET
Yeah?
MARTHA
It's from another generation.
HARRIET
It's my middle name, I’m Hannah Harriet Hayes. My mother named me after Hannah in the old testament, who prayed to God that if He gave her a child that she would give the child back to God. My mother had had six boys before she had me, so she was pretty psyched.
MARTHA
Why'd you change it?
HARRIET
There was already a Hannah Hayes in the Union.
MARTHA
And you're a Southern Baptist.
HARRIET
Martha, hasn't enough been written about my religion?
MARTHA
As a matter of fact, I’ve done a lot of searches and hardly anything has. Sort of generic references are made to your being Christian but in a tabloid context.
HARRIET
Listen you work in Washington and I work in Hollywood, but you’ll have to take my word for it. In most other places in the world, the fact that I believe in God wouldn’t be noteworthy.
MARTHA
Yeah, but you do work in Hollywood.
HARRIET
I'm not the only one at my church on Sunday morning and our church isn’t the only church in town.
MARTHA
Yeah, but you're the only one who stars in a late night sketch comedy show whose staple is attacking the religious right.
HARRIET
That's an overstatement.
MARTHA
Mmm… Crazy Christians, Science Schmience, the weather with Pat Robertson.
HARRIET
I'm sorry Pat Robertson has taken to predicting the weather and boasting of being able to leg lift a Lincoln Navigator. That's not attacking religion, that’s attacking preposterousness.
MARTHA
Would you have a problem doing a sketch about premarital sex?
HARRIET
I don't have a problem having premarital sex. It might be the only sex I ever have and I just gave you your full quote so can I go home.
MARTHA
Two more minutes okay?
HARRIET
You’re not going to get me to talk about Matt.
MARTHA
Yeah, Matt already bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn’t get him to talk about you.
HARRIET
I mean, I’ll talk about his writing, or I’ll talk about him as a boss…
MARTHA
You know, I just spent five days with him. I wanted to talk about you?
HARRIET
Is there a way to do that where you don’t make me sound like a narcissistic twit?
MARTHA
Are there good actors and bad actors?
HARRIET
Yes.
MARTHA
Good directors and bad directors?
HARRIET
Yeah.
MARTHA
There are good reporters and bad reporters. Which do you think I am?
HARRIET
What would you like to know?
MARTHA
Where were you born?
HARRIET
Brighton, Michigan.
MARTHA
And you’ve got six older brothers.
HARRIET
Yeah.
MARTHA
What do your parents do?
HARRIET
They're both dead. My father worked in a paper processing plant and my mother was a secretary in a doctor’s office.
MARTHA
You were close with your mother?
HARRIET
You don't need to write any of this down?
MARTHA
No.
HARRIET
My father wasn’t very religious. And neither were my brothers but my mother used to take me to church every Sunday.
MARTHA
What church?
HARRIET
Antioch Baptist church what could it possibly matter? (She snaps. Catches herself) I’m sorry. I’m tired. Antioch Baptist Church. The luck my mother never had winning her sons to Christ, she found with me. I was memorizing whole passages of Scripture by the time I was six.
MARTHA
Really.
HARRIET
I won a contest to see who could name all 66 books of the bible.
MARTHA
Can you still do it?
HARRIET
Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua…
MARTHA
How did you get into comedy?
HARRIET
Nobody wanted to hire me as a ballerina.
MARTHA
Seriously.
HARRIET
I’m serious. I’ve danced since I was four.
MARTHA
And sang.
HARRIET
And sang.
MARTHA
So how did you get into comedy?
HARRIET
I liked Judy Holliday.
MARTHA
Really.
HARRIET
I watched Bells are Ringing until I wore out the tape and then I bought another one with my allowance.
MARTHA
Did your mother mind?
HARRIET
She encouraged it. She'd quote the psalms. "He who sits high in heaven shall laugh." It was a small house with seven kids. A devout mother and a far from devout father who'd started to drink when he was laid off from the paper plant. I was good at diffusing tension. My mother put me in church plays. And one time I just went up on a line and to cover, I broke into a Judy Holliday impression. There was stunned silence until the minister burst out laughing, and I looked and I saw the pride on my mother’s face and I told her I was ready to accept Christ and I was baptised.
MARTHA
You became a Christian and a comedian at the same time.
HARRIET
Roughly. (MARTHA laughs) I got an academic scholarship to study music at Rutgers. And I’d come into the city a lot and go to the comedy clubs. Then I got another scholarship to get a Masters in music at Kansas State, but I went to Chicago instead and swept the floors at Second City. Then I came to LA, started interning with the Groundlings. I started getting some stage time. And one night, a guy came up to me and said “My name is Danny Tripp, I’m a segment producer at Studio 60 and I think you should come in and audition for Wes Mendell.”
MARTHA
It was Danny who found you.
HARRIET
Yeah.
MARTHA
Not Matt.
HARRIET
Hang on. (gets up, turns up speaker)
MARTHA
What's that?
HARRIET
It's a lute.
MARTHA
A lute?
HARRIET
The instrument. They’re doing Sting’s soundcheck. He’s got a classical album coming out and he plays the lute.
MARTHA
Sting is in the building right now?
HARRIET
He's on stage.
MARTHA
Sting is upstairs right now playing a lute.
.HARRIET
You wanna go watch?
MARTHA
Harriet, you're interesting but get out of my way.
------
STING
Come again, sweet love doth now invite. They graces that be- (Stops singing) No, I'm sorry.
CAL
And go ahead. And... Action.
STING
Come again, sweet love doth now invite, thy graces that refrain to do me due delight. To see, to hear, to touch, to kiss, to die, With thee again in sweetest sympathy. To see, to hear, to touch, to kiss, to die, With thee again in sweetest sympathy. All the day the sun that lends me shine...
HARRIET
It's a beautiful instrument.
MARTHA
Sting or the lute?
HARRIET
I'm gonna head on home.
MARTHA
One last thing.
HARRIET
Oh Martha…
MARTHA
And this will be it.
HARRIET
Okay.
MARTHA
Matt wasn't a star around here until you showed up. I checked around, I looked at old scripts. He’d been here a couple of years, but he’d hardly gotten anything on the air. There are people who were here then who don’t even remember who he was.
HARRIET
Well, Wes certainly knew who he was.
MARTHA
No, he didn't break out until you came on the show. You came on the show and suddenly he’s getting everything on the air and most of it's for you. As a result of which you went from saying ‘May I take your order’ in a restaurant sketch to being a star. Obviously, that can be a coincidence. ...Was it?
HARRIET
Martha.
MARTHA
I'm not writing a love story. I'm just asking.
HARRIET
My mother got cancer when I was fifteen. And I said, "Mom, how come you never say 'why me?’” and she said "I never ask God ‘Why me’ when the good things happened, so I shouldn’t ask now.”
MARTHA
You don’t question why the good things happen…
CAL
Thank you. Great. Sting, thank you sir.
STING
Painless as always, Calvin, thank you.
CAL
Tell ya what though, I’m getting tired of all the lute players getting all the great women.
STING
That's why I took it up. Just to compete.
CAL
I'll see you tomorrow.
STING
Get some sleep. Let these fellas go home.
HARRIET
Hear that? Sting just said ‘Let these guys go home.’ I’ll see you tomorrow.
MARTHA
Hannah.
HARRIET
It was a coincidence. When you're as good as Matt, you don’t stay a secret very long. I just got here when it happened.
MARTHA
Okay.
HARRIET
All right?
MARTHA
Great.
HARRIET
See you tomorrow.
MARTHA
How are you different from your mother?
HARRIET
I hope in as few ways as possible.
(HARRIET leaves. MARTHA scrambles through the pockets of her sweater. TOM walks by in his lobster suit.)
TOM
You need something?
MARTHA
Pen, I need a pen.
(TOM checks his lobster suit for... pockets... uhhh no.)
(MARTHA sighs and runs off.)
--------------------------------------------
MARTIN
It's called “Search and Destroy.” We’ve been keeping the title under wraps for fairly obvious reasons. The game is as follows: Five engaged couples living together for twelve weeks in a mansion in South Beach. While they’re preparing to get married, we and the other couples are trying to break them up. Sounds like Temptation Island, it’s NOT. Why? Because instead of trying to break them up by dangling the possibility of inconsequential sex with some exotic partner, we're gonna break them up with the truth. Thank you, love. The show is based on the notion that no one’s private life can withstand public scrutiny. We'll see that hypothesis put to the test. We will use the best private investigators to dig up information on our couples that they haven't disclosed one another. Anything from Infidelity to infertility, to the addiction to Internet pornography. If Sarah and Bob are a Catholic couple, we may find out that Sarah had an abortion when she was younger.
ROBBIE
In fact maybe the baby was Bob's.
MARTIN
But here is where I think the beauty lies. Rather than filming each episode months in advance and signing the contestants to secrecy agreements. We will be filming each episode in the week that it airs. My post production team can cut and mix a show in twenty four hours. The result? The media itself will be a part of the game. Rumor will work as well as truth. The couple that survives until the end will receive a lavish wedding, a house in South Beach, and one million dollars. “Search and Destroy.” That's our show.
JACK
I don't know, Martin. One of these days you’re gonna come up with a good idea.
JERRY
King of the genre, my client, right here.
JACK
No argument from me.
24 hours to get the bid together Jordan.
JORDAN
Thank you.
That's 6pm today to 6pm Saturday. Not Monday. There’s been some confusion.
JORDAN
24 hours. Thank you all for coming in today, we appreciate it. Martin very nice meeting you.
MARTIN
Same here. And chin up; you'll weather the storm.
JORDAN
Sure.
JACK
Hey.
JORDAN
Yeah?
JACK
You know you could’ve…
JORDAN
What?
JACK
Loved them up a little more.
JORDAN
Yeah?
JACK
Seriously, they're walking to the elevator saying they weren’t feeling it. I'll call Robbie and make it okay, but half your job description is being disarmingly seductive and I wasn’t seeing a lot of it.
JORDAN
We're not bidding on it.
JACK
They weren’t pitching us. We were pitching them. And when they sit down to make their decision, they’re gonna factor in… what?
JORDAN
I'm not bidding on it.
JACK
What are you talking about?
JORDAN
I’m passing.
JACK
On what?
JORDAN
On what, On Masterpiece Theater.
JACK
You're not kidding.
JORDAN
No.
JACK
Look, you may have a problem with the show-
JORDAN
I do.
JACK
But its gonna be a hit.
JORDAN
It is, but for somebody else.
JACK
Jordan, I don’t, what are you saying?
JORDAN
Wow, I’m saying for the fifth time now, I’m saying I’m passing.
JACK
You, look, are letting a personal episode inform your judgement-
JORDAN
Jack... I don’t live my life in episodes.
JACK
On a business decision. Whatever you want to call it then. The man and his shows do nothing but make money. You’re getting taken out for a walk by the tabloids, by your ex, by the Christian Right. I get it.
JORDAN
You don’t get it. They want to filet me, that's fine. That’s the cost of doing business. I’m fine.
JACK
Really.
JORDAN
Yes.
JACK
When was the last time you slept four consecutive hours. This show-
JORDAN
-is toxic. It's bad crack in the school yards. And we're just three weeks removed from Wes Mendell taking fifty three seconds and destroying an unparallelled legacy in television to tell us so.
JACK
We’re honoring Wes’ memory, that's what we're-
JORDAN
A contest to see whose private lives can withstand public scrutiny? How interesting that couple must be. But here's where I think the beauty lives. We all get to be unctuous British gossip bitches. "Maybe it was Bob's baby."
JACK
Well, I'm sorry, I'm Big Footing you on this one. We're making the bid and we're making the bid we planned.
JORDAN
Then you've got a problem, Jack, cause you haven't read my contract. I only get to greenlight up to 1.2 million on my own but I can reject whatever I want and only Wilson White can say otherwise.
JACK
Be in my office tonight at nine o' clock to see Wilson White.
JORDAN
I can't. There's a writer I'm trying to get from HBO and I've invited him to watch Studio 60 with me tonight in the box.
JACK
Then you have a problem, Jordan, because you haven't seen the sign on my door that says 'CHAIRMAN!' Be in my office at nine o' clock.
JORDAN
Don't slam the... (*SLAM*) Door... Thanks.
--------------
LAUREN
Jenny, you gotta have a baby.
JEANNIE
You gotta have one now.
HARRIET
Well, sure I’m hoping to one day.
LAUREN
Not one day. Right now.
JEANNIE
This minute.
HARRIET
Guys…
LAUREN
You can't imagine how fulfilling it is.
JEANNIE
You can't. The fulfillment is beyond your comprehension.
LAUREN
I feel like a woman.
JEANNIE
I finally feel like a woman.
HARRIET
I feel like a woman.
JEANNIE
You can’t.
LAUREN
It's impossible.
JEANNIE
You think you feel like a woman.
LAUREN
But you don’t.
JEANNIE
You think you feel fulfilled.
LAUREN
But you’re not.
JEANNIE
What you need to is freeze your eggs.
HARRIET
I’m sorry?
JEANNIE
You have a shelf life Jenny, you’re getting older, every second. Right there while I was talking, you got older.
THEME SONG
Jenny’s friends are all new moms, but Jenny doesn’t have anyone one. They all say she’s missing the fun, Cause Jenny doesn't have a baby.
TOM
Hi, folks? Hi, it's my turn to thank you very much for being a terrific rehearsal audience. You deserve it. Uh we need to ask you to stay for another two minutes and 20 seconds cause believe it or not, we rehearse saying goodnight, and we also rehearse the two minute and twenty second commercial break. In the meantime, I can tell you what's happening right now. Danny Tripp has just gone up stairs to Matt Albie’s office where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this the Friday night slaughter cause uh, this is where you find out if you have a chance to be the next Bill Murray or the next Dominos Pizza delivery guy.
----(Matt’s office)------
DANNY
12:45 long.
MATT
Let's get Cal first.
CAL
Yeah I’m here.
DANNY
I got 12:45 heavy.
CAL
That's what it is.
MATT
I’d like to move Nancy Grace up. I think it’s the best we got tonight.
CAL
If you move Nancy Grace up, you have to move “couples counselor” down.
DANNY
Why?
CAL
Tunnels two and five, I can’t reposition the cameras.
DANNY
We have got to rebuild this theater.
MATT
Well, we're on TV in an hour and five minutes, so I don’t think now is the best time.
DANNY
Al Quaeda culinary institute?
MATT
Cut it.
DANNY
Tom Jeter’s metric conversion?
MATT
I don't think he was that attached to it anyway.
DANNY
Where does that leave us with time?
LILLY
We still need another four minutes
MATT
Sign language?
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
And Jenny doesn't have a baby.
DANNY
It was good.
MATT
No it wasn't. It was almost good.
LAUREN (on TV)
Good night. everybody!
----(Backstage)----
SUZANNE
Tom.
TOM
Yeah.
SUZANNE
Can I talk to you a second?
TOM
Yeah.
SUZANNE
I did something really stupid.
TOM
What?
SUZANNE
I feel like an idiot.
TOM
Well I spent most of the week in a lobster costume so you’re talking to the right guy.
SUZANNE
Martha O’Dell wanted to talk to me and the press office said it was okay. She was asking me about some things and I told her the story about how Matt went down to the Roxie to get one of the Bombshell Babes-
TOM
Suzanne
SUZANNE
To sign a boot to make Harriet jealous.
TOM
Why?
SUZANNE
I thought it was a charming story. I thought it made Matt look really sweet, but then as soon as it was done, I realized I completely betrayed this guy who I worship.
TOM
You know it wouldn't kill you to worship me.
SUZANNE
Tom…
TOM
Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.
SUZANNE
How?
TOM
Don't worry about it. You should go eat.
==============
DANNY
Good show.... Hey I'm gonna pitch cutting Couples Counselor and putting back “Jenny Doesn’t Have a Baby” and it's for this reason. If we keep cutting sketches that the host is in, we're gonna have a hard time getting a host.
MATT
We're gonna have a hard time getting a host if the show isn’t funny.
DANNY
It is funny, she was making it work.
MATT
I don't her to have to make it work, I want it to work when its handed to her. Them, the whole- the cast. I want it to work when its handed to them.
DANNY
You know what we're gonna do tonight at the Wrap Party?
MATT
Danny-
DANNY
We're gonna find you your rebound girl, an intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate, we’re not looking for a girl with a PhD in string theory or anything, okay? There’ll be at least half a dozen women there who’ve been on the cover of FHM. That's whats for you right now.
MATT
Really.
DANNY
Trust me.. Trust my face.
MATT
You are-
DANNY
Twice divorced.
MATT
And you have-
DANNY
No one in my life at the moment.
MATT
And you haven’t for-
DANNY
Quite some time.
MATT
Okay.
DANNY
We'll cut Jenny.
P.A.
Cast and crew: One hour to air… one hour to air.
DANNY
We really are gonna rebuild this theater.
MATT
Kay, well I’m gonna rewrite three sketches and then I’ll grab my toolbelt and get on that.
DANNY
Thanks.
MUSIC
Gotta keep it tight…
DANNY
All right. Here we go. Got a barn, let's put on a show.
MUSIC
Keep it tight. Keep it tight. Keep it tight. ...yeah.
===========
BOGART? (on tape)
They teach you how to cheat?
TOM
They teach you how to cheat? Huh? (knock at the door) Come in.
MARTHA
Hi.
TOM
Hello.
MARTHA
Words out, you were looking for me?
TOM
Yes, thank you come in. Sit down. You talked to one of our Pas, Suzanne.
MARTHA
Yes, Harriet suggested it.
TOM
Yes. She's not used to getting interviews and you’re a very intimidating presence.
MARTHA
Uh huh.
TOM
She told you that last week, Matt went to the Roxie to see a friend of his who’s one of the Bombshell Babies.
MARTHA
To get her to sign a stiletto boot for Harriet as retaliation for Harriet giving him a baseball bat with Darren Wells’ phone number on it.
TOM
Yes. She feels very bad about revealing that confidence, and while I’m not asking you to not write it, I’m gonna ask you a favor.
MARTHA
What.
TOM
I just told you that story. right now. Attribute it to me and not Suzanne.
MARTHA
That's very gentlemanly of you.
TOM
Well, I'm kinda the one who told him to do it. Which by the way, he didn’t end up doing.
MARTHA
He didn't give her the boot.
TOM
He thought better of it.
SIMON (interrupting)
Metric conversion went good…
MARTHA
Simon you got a minute?
SIMON
For a rectal probe? Sure.
TOM
Hang on, Excuse us for just one second. (They leave the room) I just want to bring you up to speed on something. Suzanne told Martha about Matt and Harriet and Darren Wells and the Bombshell babies.
SIMON
Why the hell would she do that?
TOM
Because she’s young and inexperienced and she didn’t know any better. So here’s what I did.
SIMON
What?
TOM
I confirmed it.
SIMON
Just cause you’re stupid.
TOM
Martha thought it was gentlemanly.
SIMON
Matt’s gonna use a different word.
TOM
I’m taking the hit for Suzanne.
SIMON
Alright how much does she know?
TOM
I don’t know.
SIMON
Does she know about the Star Spangled Banner?
TOM
I don’t know.
SIMON
Does she know about the 700 club?
TOM
I don’t know.
SIMON
Does she know about Jeannie?
TOM
I really don't know.
SIMON
Let me tell you something. I am the only one in this whole organization that knows how to handle the press. They know eactly what I want them to know, nothing more. I operate like an international spy. (walks back in) Okay so, I got a few minutes. What do you want to know about when I was in a gang?
MARTHA
I want to know abotu the Star Spangled Banner, the 700 club, and Jeannie.
TOM
…You’re still miked Mata Hari.
SIMON
Damn.
TOM
Yeah.
SIMON
Okay so you broke us.
MARTHA
Yeah, it’s not exactly cracking the Alger Hiss case with you guys, you know what I mean?
--------------------
JORDAN
What was in Beijing sir?
WILSON
Please don’t call me Sir.
JORDAN
I'm sorry
WILSON
I wasn't in Beijing, I was in Macau which is about 12 hundred miles south. And it’s experienced twenty percent growth in two years. There’s an American consortium including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand, we're investing 20 billion dollars in Macau, to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia. I started as an intern on the Danny Thomas show and on Monday I’m gonna start to build a city in China. Talk fast. I’ve been on a plane for twenty hours.
JACK
We're in a bidding war for an unscripted series from Martin Sykes who’s made a lot of money for every network but ours. It will be aprohibitive hit, it will be impossible to counter program, whoever gets it will own the night. They’ll have Boardwalk and Park Place, there’s a 24 hour prohibitive window, the meter has been running for three hours. I want it, Sales wants it, Jordan’s exercising a clause in her contract which allows her to reject the program save for your intervention.
WILSON
What's the problem?
JORDAN
It’s disgusting.
WILSON
I need more than that.
JORDAN
It’s patently disgusting. It appeals to the very worst in our nature and whoever airs it will play a measureable role in subverting our national culture. Doesn’t belong on anyone’s air. Certainly not ours, at a time when we’re trying to rebrand the network as a place for high end viewers. I swear to god sir, the better our shows are, the more money we're gonna make.
WILSON
I just told you not to call me Sir. If you want her to cook the meal, you gotta let her shop for the groceries. Anything else?
JACK
No.
WILSON
Tell your kids to learn Mandarin. (leaves)
JORDAN
Who said that?
JACK
Who said what?
JORDAN
If you want me to cook the meal, you gotta let me shop for the groceries.
JACK
Bill Parcells.
JORDAN
Who’s that?
JACK
A football coach who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years.
=================
---(sketch)----
ALEX
And we're back. I'm Nicholas Cage, your couples counselor. And I’m here with Mindy and Jack. Jack. Before the commercial we were talking about…
DYLAN
I-I was just saying that I feel that Mindy could be a little closer to my step brother Phil.
ALEX
Don’t worry, if I’m right about Mindy, she’ll get a LOT closer to your stepbrother Phil. You’ll come home and find your stepbrother Phil in the SHOWER wearing your favorite FELT HAT. (???)
JEANNIE
I’m not perfect either.
ALEX
Heroin?
JEANNIE
No!
ALEX
Well what is it then?
JEANNIE
Sometimes I leave used floss on the bathroom counter.
DYLAN
It’s not a big deal.
ALEX
Jack, let me draw you a straight line between her floss on the edge of the sink and her used bloody syringes all over handstitched Australasian yoga mats.
JEANNIE
I don’t do yoga.
ALEX
You’re a frigid-
(---at the News 60 desk---)
HARRIET
A study out of the University of Washington found that men who are good dancers attract more women than men who can’t dance. The full report can be read in the current issue of Gay Husband Monthly. The Washington Post reports that the army is launching a military theme park in Virginia, with high tech simulator rides that p- The project is expected to cost nine hundred million dollars and none of the rides will ever end. Simon.
SIMON
Harry, listen something’s happened.
HARRIET
What?
SIMON
You know your, well I guess, your personal life?
HARRIET
Yeah.
SIMON
Well?
HARRIET
What did you idiots tell Martha O’Dell?
SIMON
For what it’s worth, it started out as a gentlemanly act.
----(in the sketch)
ALEX
…Rolling Stone COVER SHOOT whatever it is he does.
DYLAN
I sell windows.
ALEX
Half a tube of industrial sealant. You can’t get your head out of the bag, and he’s wishing you burn in unholy hell.
JEANNIE
Well…
ALEX
And that’s all the time we have on Nicolas Cage Couples Counselor. Tune in next week when our theme will be “Losing the Passion: It’s not me it’s her.”
-------------
CAL
Yessir…
DANNY
I got us right on the money.
CAL
That’s where we are.
DANNY
Hey I’m looking up at the box, I don’t see McDeere. You think she fell out of love with us? It happens, you know, people change.
CAL
Hey give her a break tonight if you see her. I got people telling me Les Moonves got the new Martin Sykes show.
DANNY
She lost the bid?
CAL
She didn’t make the bid.
DANNY
What do you mean?
CAL
She passed.
DANNY
Really.
CAL
Jack Rudolph’s wandering the streets so no one in LA is safe tonight.
DANNY
Okay.
=====MATT’S OFFICE========
MARTHA
Matt? I’m off to catch the red eye. I’ll see you in a couple weeks.
MATT
Have a good flight.
MARTHA
Is that the bat.
MATT
What bat.
MARTHA
I’ll say this about you guys, you look out for each other. You’re not very good at doing it, but it’s nice to see the effort. Even Harriet… when I mentioned your pathological dislike of the religious right, she jumped to your defense. You broke up with her because she went on the 700 club to promote her album…
MATT
What are you writing about, Martha?
MARTHA
I don’t know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that for ninety minutes a week, you and Harriet come together. You were here for two years before anybody knew your name. Harriet got here and you both broke at the same time.
MATT
I wasn’t a hack.
MARTHA
I didn’t say you were.
MATT
I had a one act at the Humana Festival in Louisville and another at EST. That’s the ensemble studio theater in New York. Those are two important stages.
MARTHA
I know them both.
MARTHA
What’s this for?
MATT
A hundred dollars.
MATT
I was trying to impress Harriet. That’s how I broke.
MARTHA
No kidding. Sadly I can’t cash this for ethical reasons, but I will pin it to my bulletin board along with the others. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.
=================
P.A.
Two minutes until we’re back everyone. Two minutes until we’re back.
JORDAN
Trevor.
TREVOR
Hi.
JORDAN
I’m so sorry to make you wait. I hope they told you it was just-
TREVOR
Sure. Yeah.
JORDAN
Thanks. Are they doing good tonight?
TREVOR
I think it’s their best show yet.
JORDAN
Good. I want Nations on NBS, Trevor.
TREVOR
It means a lot to me that you liked the script, but the bottom line is that I don’t think my show will find an audience on your network. I think HBO is where people expect to find more literate programming.
JORDAN
Yeah, I can’t remember, which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?
TREVOR
Sure I meant-
JORDAN
And as far as finding an audience, that’s my job. You wrote an off-Broadway play about Pericles when he was mayor of Athens.
TREVOR
Yeah.
JORDAN
Pericles said “All things good should flow into the boulevard. Your show is good Trevor. It should be on American broadcast television for free and seen by as many people as possible. There’s nothing wrong with the medium, just some of the content and there’s only one way to change that.
DANNY
Scuse me…
TREVOR
Danny!
DANNY
How are you folks?
TREVOR
Good. Yes, aren’t you producing the show right now?
JORDAN
Yes. Aren’t you?
DANNY
Yeah, but c’mere. Let me talk to you for a second. (whispers into his ears.)
TREVOR
Great. Thanks. (turns) Okay, you got it.
JORDAN
Got what?
TREVOR
The show. I’d be happy to do it at NBS.
JORDAN
Why?
TREVOR
He just told me to.
JORDAN
What was that for?
DANNY
Passing on Martin Sykes.
JORDAN
I do a whole speech about Pericles of Athens. You come in and say “Do it” and he does it?
DANNY
Street cred.
P.A.
Stand by, we’re back in five… four… three… two…
LAUREN
Ladies and Gentlemen… once again… Sting.
STING
And you’ll remember me, when the west wind moves, upon the fields of barley. And you’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky when we walk in fields of gold. And so she took her love for to gaze a while, upon the fields of barley. In his arms she fell as her hair came down upon the fields of gold. Will you stay with me, will you be my love upon the fields of barley.
HARRIET
How do you find a lute teacher?
MATT
Wow.
HARRIET
It’s for “Society Gal Car Wash.”
MATT
I know.
STING
See the west wind blow, like a lover so. Upon the fields of barley.
HARRIET
I didn’t think he was gonna do this one.
MATT
I asked him to.
HARRIET
What’s it like telling a rock legend what to sing and having him sing it?
MATT
I don’t tell him, I ask him. …I like this song. It reminds me of something.
HARRIET
You know Martha O’Dell’s got our number, right?
MATT
Ah Harry, I don’t even have our number.
HARRIET
Darren Wells is meeting me at the wrap party.
MATT
Danny’s determined to fix me up with a model from Cars and Chicks Quarterly or something.
STING
Many years have passed since those summer days upon the fields of barley. See the children run as the sun goes down upon the fields of gold…. And you’ll remember me…
HARRIET
You knock my socks off.
STING
When the west wind blows upon the field of barley. You can tell the sun, in his jealous sky, when we walked in fields of gold. When we walked in fields of gold. When we walked in fields….
I haven't looked through this, yet, so let me know if you see any glaring errors.
