1x04
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x04: The West Coast Delay
Written by: Aaron Sorkin
Directed by: Timothy Busfield
Original Airing: October 9, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
Previously on “Studio 60”:
Matt: What is your problem? That after you broke up with me, I went out with someone else? That’s what almost always happens.
Harriet: Not someone from where I work!
Jack: Think you know how the Smoking Gun got tipped to the DUI. A guy named Ryan Mulroney.
Jordan: When I was 25, we were married for nine months.
Jack: He’s shopping a book.
Ricky: You want us to quit?
Matt: Badly. You think it’s gonna happen?
Ricky: Not a big chance, no.
Danny: I need to know how big a problem it’s gonna be.
Matt: It’s not gonna be a problem at all.
Danny: It will if you’re in love with her.
Matt: I’m not. I’m not!
Cue card: THE WEST COAST DELAY
[Writers’ Room]
Cue card: THURSDAY NIGHT
Ricky: Ninety seconds. That’s what he’s asked for: ninety seconds of material from the writers’ room! Was the request patronizing and a veiled insult? I think so.
Ron: I don’t think the insult was that veiled.
Ricky: Me neither. But not being able to contribute ninety seconds to a ninety minute telecast is a good way to demonstrate that we’re people who should be insulted! [Ron laughs.] What?
Ron: It is.
Ricky:[slamming the table] We have to produce something!
British Writer: May I actually ask to –
Ricky: No.
British Writer: Look, may I read, pitch a sketch about –
Ricky: No!
British Writer: McDeere!
Ron: I agree.
Denny: The DUI, the Christian right, the joke about cocaine, the book, the marriage, the sex clubs…
British Writer: To say nothing about hiring back Matt and Danny.
Young Writer: Everybody’s doing it. We’ll look ridiculous if we don’t.
Another Writer: Jay, Conan, Dave… SNL did it 24 hours after we did nothing.
Ricky: If we do a sketch calling the president of this network a drunken sex addict, I’m not going to be the one to write it. What else?
Spiky-haired Writer: It’s self-deprecating!
Ron: Self-deprecating would be if we were drunken sex addicts.
Ricky: What else?!
Hal: I’ve got something.
Ricky: What?
Hal: I think I’ve got something.
Ricky: Hal, do you feel this is the time to pitch me something that blows?
Hal: No.
Ricky: So you’re willing to take that chance?
Ron: Let me see it!
Hal: It’s for Simon. Either he can do it as a sketch or as an editorial in News 60. [passing the Macbook to Ricky and Ron]
Ricky: “At schools today, all the kids are diagnosed with dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD. In my day, you were just stupid.” [The room laughs.] “’What’s wrong with my son?’ ‘Oh, him? He’s stupid.’ Next. America’s the most overweight nation in the world. We’ve got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs. If you really want to mess with somebody’s head, drop a cruise missile and a couple of tons of hot pockets on their ass.” This is it. Let’s everybody get to work on this.
[Outside Matt’s office.]
Matt: What?!
Harriet: Matthew?
Matt: Out here.
Harriet: Are you busy?
Matt: I’m choking.
Harriet: Want me to come back?
Matt: No. What do you need?
Harriet: Listen.
Matt: Yeah?
Harriet: I want to move on.
Matt: Go ahead. Wait, what do you mean?
Harriet: I want closure, Matthew, and I want to move on.
Matt: Are you talking about us?
Harriet: Yes.
Matt: We broke up.
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: How much more closure are you looking for?
Harriet: I want you to tell me you have no intention of trying to win me back.
Matt: Well, we have a problem there.
Harriet: Yes, I know. You’re a Northeastern Jewish Liberal Atheist and I’m a Southern Baptist who believes you’re going to burn in Hell.
Matt: Two problems.
Harriet: You’re my boss.
Matt: Yeah.
Harriet: You think that’s an insurmountable obstacle.
Matt: What’s going to happen when I give you a note you don’t like? Give Jeannie a sketch you like, or give you a sketch you shouldn’t have gotten?
Harriet: I know. I didn’t come up here to convince you otherwise, I just wanted to hear it, so we have closure.
Matt: Yes.
Harriet: We are closed.
Matt: You feel all right about it?
Harriet: I’d feel better if you appeared even a little ambivalent.
Matt: I’m extremely ambivalent. What I’m exhibiting are leadership skills.
Harriet: Well done. [Matt notices that Harriet has been holding a baseball bat.]
Matt: Is that for me?
Harriet: It is. I wanted to give you a non-romantic present; you did two great shows in a row.
Matt: Well, it doesn’t get a lot less romantic than a baseball bat.
Harriet: It’s signed by Darren Wells.
Matt: “You’re a big hit. Darren Wells.” How did you get this?
Harriet: You really wanna know?
Matt: Yeah.
Harriet: Ironically, I got it when I sang the national anthem at the Dodgers game.
Matt: You asked him for it?
Harriet: He gave it to me.
Matt: When?
Harriet: After I sang.
Matt: Wait, he gave this to you?
Harriet: He did, and I’m giving it to you.
Matt: “You’re a big hit.” He’s talking about you?
Harriet: He liked the way I sang; I’m giving it to you because I like the way you write!
Matt: Yeah, but I think we’re skipping over a part.
Harriet: I’m passing it on.
Matt: Harry.
Harriet: Yeah?
Matt: He wrote his phone number on here.
Harriet: What do you mean?
Matt: I mean, he wrote his phone number on here. You didn’t see it?
Harriet: That’s his phone number?
Matt: What did you think it was?
Harriet: I just thought it was his uniform number, you know, they sign their name and then write the number.
Matt: Yeah, they do do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 86, 5 – he was asking you out!
Harriet: You know, now that I’ve had some time to reflect upon it, I think you might be right.
Matt: Do you?
Harriet: Yes.
Matt: Yeah, you gave me a used cocktail napkin, basically. Do you think I don’t know that men are interested in you?
Harriet: Wait, I didn’t give it to you on purpose.
Matt: Put a ribbon on it, knocked on my door and handed it to me.
Harriet: I meant I wasn’t trying to make you jealous!
Matt: Has he asked you out?
Harriet: Hm?
Matt: Has he asked you out?
Harriet: No.
Matt: Okay.
Harriet: Yes, he has. We had dinner and he’s coming to the show Friday. I lied for a second and then realized that I couldn’t.
Matt: Because you’re a good Christian girl.
Harriet: No, because I get caught. I always do. I didn’t give you the bat to sass you, it was an honest mistake.
Matt: I like how he signs a bat instead of a ball like he’s a slugger. He’s a pitcher. You know what his job is when it comes to the plate? Stick out his bat and hope for the off chance that the ball will accidently hit it on its way to the catcher’s mitt.
Harriet: It was an honest mistake!
Matt: Really?
Harriet: You can accuse me of being dumb, but not sinister!
Matt: How about manipulative? Can I accuse you of that?
Harriet: Look, skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous, trust me, you’d be jealous.
Matt: I am jealous!
Harriet: Well, then, bonus for me!
Matt: Yeah.
Ricky: Matt?
Matt: Yeah?!
Ricky: We’ve got something. It’s good. It’s for Simon and News 60 segment.
Ron: Ninety seconds.
Harriet: Are we done?
Matt: I’m certain we’re not!
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: This is funny.
[Credit splash.]
[NBS dining room]
Martha: Your executive dining room is open for dinner?
Jordan: I figure, if I’m going to make people work late…. He’s self-publishing on the internet, there’ll be some mortifying things.
Martha: More than the drunk driving and the sex club stuff?
Jordan: He’ll make stuff up.
Martha: Why?
Jordan: There’s a good living in it!
Martha: What’s the NBS burger?
Jordan: It’s a hamburger.
Martha: How is it prepared?
Jordan: Here in the kitchen of the dining room at NBS.
Martha: Gotcha. [Kevin walks up.]
Jordan: Thanks. This is my assistant, Kevin Yu. Kevin, this is Martha O’Dell.
Kevin: I read you every week.
Martha: Thank you.
Kevin: I spoke with Danny Tripp’s office, he asked you to come by in the morning any time.
Jordan: Great. [Kevin leaves.] What would possess me to marry him, do you suppose, and did I not have a friend who would tackle me to the ground as I walked down the aisle?
Martha: I don’t know, but if we’re going to talk about it then we’re going on the record.
Jordan: We’re not going on the record. This is not about me.
Martha: Well, then, I have to ask you –
Jordan: What?
Martha: What’s the NBS salad?
Jordan: Some of these are pretty intuitive, Marty.
Martha: I’m not as smart as people think I am.
Jordan: Now she tells us.
Martha: It is about you. You flipped off half the country and the TV business on your first day at work.
Jordan: I wasn’t flipping anybody off.
Martha: You can be a woman, look like you do, have the power you do… but not all at the same time.
Jordan: You manage it, and you take on the right twice a week in print.
Martha: I take on the left, too, and I don’t manage it, I just don’t care about it. Google me, and you’ll find a lot worse than DUI in Sag Harbor.
Jordan: I know.
Martha: Trust me, it’s like seasickness. You think you’re gonna die, and everyone else just thinks it’s funny.
Jordan: I do trust you.
Martha: And you’ll have to go on the record eventually.
Jordan: Eventually.
Martha: So, is that my answer?
Jordan: Shelly thinks it’s a good idea, I think it’s a good idea, but Matt and Danny have to think it’s a good idea. We’re gonna go see them.
Martha: What should I know?
Jordan: These are two thoroughly decent guys who have good reason to fear the press.
Martha: What’s the best way to make a first impression? [Jordan points to Martha’s shirt, and she undoes another button.]
Jordan: Yeah.
Martha: Easy as pie.
Jordan: I figured.
[Studio 60 backstage.]
Simon: “America’s Gulf Coast is gearing up for another hurricane season. This year’s storms threaten to be worse than last year, when tens of thousands of African-American families were forced to leave their homes.”
Harriet: You guys should feel free to use my dressing room any time you want.
Tom: Thanks.
Simon: “A spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers has guaranteed that the new levees will be ready in time to protect the new building projects from surges of water and black people.”
Sam: It’s getting a little long to get there.
Jeanie: It is.
Simon: See that? That was piling on. She was right, I knew it. You knew I knew it, and yet you went in for the late hit.
Sam: Did you give him the bat?
Harriet: Yes.
Sam: Did he like it?
Harriet: I’m not sure. It was hard to tell from the way he was shoving it up my ass. I didn’t know that Darren had written his phone number on the bat.
Sam: He knows that you went out with him?
Harriet: Dinner! And he’s coming to the show, which is not the same as him sleeping with someone who I work with every day and night!
Jeanie: You know I’m sitting right here, right?
Harriet: For which his defense was, “We broke up, I’m allowed to date people,” so I’m curious to find out exactly how that rule is only applied unilaterally. Of course, we’ll never know because he only has conversations when he gets to write what everybody else says, too. You know what I think? I think this. Let me just say this –
Simon: You think it’s taking me a long time get this –
Matt: Simon.
Harriet: Oh, by all means. Come in without knocking.
Matt: Yeah. Look at this. We’ll do it as an editorial.
Harriet: You know, maybe the reason Darren Wells and I get along so well is he likes to both talk and listen.
Matt: Or maybe the reason they get along so well is because they both have roughly the same chance of getting a hit in a major league baseball game.
Harriet: I loathe you.
Matt: What do you think?
Simon: It’s all right. I mean, I’ve got some of my own stuff I could –
Matt: Yeah, do this. It’s from Ricky and Ron.
Ricky: It was the room.
Simon: Okay.
Matt: I’ve still got twelve and a half minutes to write; I’ll be in my office.
[Various hallways and staircases.]
Tom: Matt?
Matt: Yeah?
Tom: You need me to help?
Matt: I think I’m gonna be all right. I’m trying to get something going on “Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis”, but I’m not getting any traction on it yet.
Tom: Yeah, actually, I meant with Harriet.
Matt: What are you talking about?
Tom: This is exactly what happened with Paula and me when we broke up.
Matt: What is?
Tom: She just gave you a brushback pitch, okay? She just gave you a little chin music.
Matt: She said she didn’t do it on purpose.
Tom: You believe her?
Matt: No.
Tom: Purpose pitch, Matt. She threw at your head.
Matt: Are you using a baseball metaphor ‘cause it’s Darren Wells?
Tom: No, but it’s a nice coincidence.
Matt: Yeah.
Tom: This is exactly what happened with Paula.
Matt: She started dating a baseball player?
Tom: A cardiologist, like that’s hard to beat.
Matt: Yeah.
Tom: She doesn’t like the guy, she’s moving you off the plate. Now you feel crazy, the way she feels, the way she wants you to feel.
Matt: I don’t feel crazy.
Tom: He’s a professional athlete, Matt, physically superior to you in every way.
Matt: I feel a little crazy.
Tom: That’s right, and that’s why you’re having trouble writing the last twelve minutes.
Matt: Strictly speaking, I’ve never needed a special reason to have trouble writing, but what’s your point?
Tom: This is pure Strindberg.
Matt: August Strindberg?
Tom: This is right out of “The Father”, scariest play I’ve ever read.
Matt: How did we move from baseball to August Strindberg?
Tom: We just did. The wife drives the husband crazy. Matt, he literally goes mad because he’s unable to regain the upper hand!
Matt: He goes mad because his wife plants it in his head that their child might not be his.
Tom: Exactly!
Matt: What the hell are you talking about?!
Tom: Pick yourself off up the ground, don’t brush the dirt off your uniform, stand in, and blast the next pitch into Paula’s face.
Matt: Harriet’s face.
Tom: Yes.
Matt: Why don’t you just call her?
Tom: He goes mad at the end of the play, it’s a very disturbing sight. I’d like to be your wingman.
Matt: Well, I appreciate that, but I’m not flying any more.
Tom: You need a wingman and you’ve always been mine.
Matt: I have?
Tom: You could start.
Matt: Okay. Call Paula.
Tom: This isn’t about me!
Matt: It really is.
Tom: You’d talk to Danny, except Danny already thinks that you and Harry are a problem for the show.
Matt: This is true…
Tom: So I’ll just say this: the Bombshell Babies are at the Roxy through Sunday. Two shows a night.
Matt: What do you want me, to give her an autographed stiletto boot with the phone number of a Bombshell Baby?
Tom: Now we’re on the same page.
Matt: Yeah, why don’t you go get some sleep?
Tom: Do you need a copy of my collected works of Strindberg?
Matt: I’ve got my own. Seriously, why don’t you go get some sleep?
Tom: Yeah, I’m going to go crash in my dressing room.
Matt: You could just go home, you know.
Tom: No, let me know if you need help with “Meet the Press.”
Matt: Thanks. Maisie!
Maisie: Yeah?
Matt: [beat] Did I just call you?
Maisie: Yeah.
Matt: I don’t know why.
Maisie: You want some coffee or something to eat?
Matt: No thanks.
Maisie: Okay.
Matt: You know anything about the baseball player Harriet’s been seeing?
Maisie: I know I got him tickets for the show tomorrow night.
Matt: At some point you’re going to have to be punished for that.
Maisie: They just met. He’s just a rebound guy, don’t let him make you nuts.
Matt: Yeah, too late. Would you call over to the stage door at the Roxy and tell the doorman that I’m coming by to see Wendy? I’ll be back in a half-hour.
Maisie: You gonna do something stupid?
Matt: It’d certainly appear that way. [to Tom] Get some sleep.
[Backstage at the Roxy, where a Pussycat Dolls-esque show is winding up.]
Girl #1: Matt!
Matt: Hey, you guys were great. Hey! Wendy?
Wendy: It’s you.
Matt: I just need you for a second and then I’ll be out of your way.
Wendy: I never wanted you out of my way, remember?
Matt: I do.
Blonde girl: Matty!
Matt: Hey.
Blonde girl: Your first two shows have been great; you’re the talk of the town.
Matt: Thanks, I appreciate it.
Blonde girl: Like the wardrobe?
Matt: I listen only for the articles.
Wendy: What do you need?
Matt: Excuse me. I need a favor.
Wendy: What favor?
Matt: I’d like one of your boots.
Wendy: I’m sorry?
Matt: I’d like one of your boots.
Wendy: My boots.
Matt: That you’re wearing, right now, and then I’d like you to sign the inside of it “Call me, baby,” with a comma after “me” and I need you to add your measurements.
Wendy: Sure.
Matt: You don’t wanna know why?
Wendy: I just did two shows, Matty, you really want a therapy session right now?
Matt: No.
Wendy: Good.
Matt: Here, you can use this pen. It’s just a joke. Harry gave to me this bat signed by Darren Wells.
Wendy: The pitcher?
Matt: Yeah.
Wendy: He’s hot.
Matt: Yeah, thanks for the therapy.
Wendy: Was he hitting on her?
Matt: He wrote his number on the bat. Harry says she thought it was his uniform number.
Wendy: Maybe she did.
Matt: Well, 22, 7, these are usually the kind of numbers you see on athletes. They don’t typically run to ten digits.
Wendy: And you’re using me to make her jealous.
Matt: Yeah. Does that bother you?
Wendy: No, you know what bothers me?
Matt: What?
Wendy: This is lame.
Matt: No, the beauty is the comma after “Call me”. See, it’s “Oh, I thought you said ‘Call me baby’” like that’s the nickname she wanted me to call her, when really it’s “Call me, baby.”
Wendy: Matt –
Matt: Holy God, this is lame, what in Hell is the matter with me?
Wendy: This is what I’m talking about, listen to me, just grab her and stamp her down.
Matt: I can’t stamp her down.
Wendy: Kiss her. Grab her and kiss her.
Matt: I knew what it meant. I can’t do it.
Wendy: Yes, you can.
Matt: Wendy, I can’t. I’m the guardian of the employment of about a hundred and fifty people. And there are also issues having to do with the fact that she’s insane.
Wendy: Well, you would know about sanity because you’re the one here midnight on a Thursday getting a used boot signed.
Matt: Yeah, I’m not sure you got where I was going with the comma…
Wendy: I got it.
Matt: Yeah, so, this is lame, right?
Wendy: Yes.
Matt: Okay.
Wendy: Okay.
Matt: You looked great out there, tonight.
Wendy: Thanks.
Matt: I’m going to go back and write some more.
Wendy: I know.
Girl #2: Need her. Let’s go, one more.
Matt: You should take the boot.
Wendy: Yeah, thank you.
[Backstage Studio 60]
Cue card: FRIDAY MORNING
[Matt finds Tom asleep on a couch, and bounces a basketball next to his head to wake him up.]
Tom: I’m up!
Matt: You know what you had me doing last night?
Tom: Hang on, ‘cause… did a basketball just come flying past my head?
Matt: I’ve never felt so stupid in my life.
Tom: Did you get the boot?
Matt: I gave back the boot, along with most of my dignity.
Tom: I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me.
Matt: God, I wish you’d put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed.
Tom: Hey, wait.
Matt: What?
Tom: Seriously, does this hurt?
Matt: When she’s performing, if I subscribe to this kind of thing I swear to God… she believes the world was created in six days, and that’s not even among the top three reasons why we’re not together. How much evidence do you need that two people are wrong for each other? [Shot of Harriet laughing on set.] Except when I watch her on stage…
Tom: Your chest hurts?
Matt: Yeah.
Tom: God.
Matt: What?
Tom: I just think it’s great when we talk like this –
Matt: Yeah, well, we’re done now.
Tom: Yeah.
[“Meet the Press” set]
Cal: Harry, are you going to have time after “Meet the Press” to get out and in for “News 60”?
Harriet: What’s the time, 2:20?
Cal: Yeah.
Harriet: I can make the change with 30 seconds to spare.
Cal: Really?
Harriet: Unless you want me wearing clothes.
Cal: Well, I don’t. Take it from where you were. And… action.
Harriet: “Hi, I’m Juliette Lewis, and this is ‘Meet the Press.’”
[Danny’s office]
Maisie: Danny?
Danny: Yeah?
Maisie: Jordan is here.
Danny: Thank you.
Jordan: Hello.
Danny: Hi. You don’t look very good.
Jordan: Well, that’s nice of you, but don’t say it unless you mean it.
Danny: You look tired.
Jordan: I haven’t been sleeping.
Danny: What could possibly have been keeping you up?
Jordan: Listen, here’s why I’m here: Martha O’Dell is waiting outside.
Danny: Outside what?
Jordan: Outside this office, right here.
Danny: Why?
Jordan: Vanity Fair’s asked her to do a cover story on the regime change. Shelly wants it and so do I.
Danny: Good, because all we’ve been missing here the last few weeks is a reporter walking around the halls.
Jordan: She’s not just any report.
Danny: Things happen around here, people blowing smoke out of their office windows at night.
Jordan: Tell me nobody’s getting high in this building, Danny.
Danny: You’re shocked that drugs are part of late-night comedy? The Coneheads, Toonces the Driving Cat… you think Belushi and Farley died from Lou Gehrig’s disease?
Jordan: Tell me it’s not happening here.
Danny: It’s not happening here.
Jordan: One night’s sleep, I’d like to get.
Danny: What’s your pitch?
Jordan: It’d be for August, the ultimate beach reading issue. 4.8 million readers, most of them known to marketers as alpha consumers. Alpha consumers are the first to know, the first to try, and the first to buy. They are influencers and pleasure-seekers. The typical VF reader is college-educated and lives in a household with a six-figure income.
Danny: You getting this off a crib sheet?
Jordan: Yes.
Danny: Jordan –
Jordan: You can lose 5 regular consumers, replace them with one alpha consumer, and I can charge the same ad rates, you understand what I’m saying?
Danny: Bring her in.
Jordan: You’re going to like her, I’ve known her a long time, she’s really very – Marty!
Danny: Very what? [Marty enters, wearing quite a dress.]
Jordan: Danny Tripp, this is Martha O’Dell.
Danny: Great to meet you, I’m a big fan.
Martha: So am I. I love the two movies, and the shows so far have been very sharp.
Danny: Thank you. Listen, why don’t we go down the hall, Matt’s going to have to sign off on this, too.
Martha: Sure.
Danny: I understand you’re going to deliver us influencers and pleasure-seekers.
Martha: Yeah.
Danny: Is that what a Pulitzer Prize gets you?
Martha: I have two.
Danny: You want full access?
Martha: Nothing else.
Danny: Matt?
Matt: Yeah?
Danny: Nice rack, by the way. Tell Jordan I’m not 15. Matt? Say hello to Martha O’Dell.
Matt: Hi. [Matt, sitting at his desk, looks straight at Martha’s chest, and then has to double-take adjust his eyes.]
Jordan: See, Matt, on the other hand…
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: I’m Matt Albie.
Martha: I know. Nice to meet you.
Danny: Martha wants to do a long lead cover for Vanity Fair.
Martha: I’ve got to keep filing my columns from DC, but I’d be out here every few weeks a few days at a time.
Danny: Full access, you okay with that. [nodding behind Martha]
Matt: Yeah, sure.
Danny: Good, when do you want to start?
Martha: I did, five minutes ago.
Danny: Give me a second, I’ll show you around.
Martha: Great. It’ll be fun.
Matt: Yeah.
Jordan: Thank you. Have a good show tonight.
Matt: Thanks.
Danny: In a sec. Listen.
Matt: Really?
Danny: Yeah, because one of her readers is worth five of our viewers.
Matt: Well, that would give her a perceived air of superiority.
Danny: No, an actual air of superiority. We need her more than she needs us.
Matt: I know how you love being in that position.
Danny: Yeah, but I’ll cowboy up. You want to go get breakfast?
Matt: Nah, I’m gonna stay and work.
Danny: Is that a new bat?
Matt: Yeah, Harry gave it to me.
Danny: She gave you a bat?
Matt: Yeah, it’s signed by Darren Wells.
Danny: A pitcher signed a bat?
Matt: Better than a ball, it’s a bat.
Danny: Anything on your mind?
Matt: No.
Danny: You sure you don’t want to come to breakfast?
Matt: No, I’ve still got 2:20 to fill.
Danny: Well, maybe by the time we get back something funny will have happened.
Matt: I don’t write the news; I can’t wait for something funny to happen. I have to make something funny happen. [Matt sits in his chair with his bat, and the bat slams through the glass window behind him.]
Danny: Well, you’re the best.
[Matt’s office]
Cue card: FRIDAY NIGHT
Simon: Man, I don’t care if they remember who she is or not, “Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis” is just funny right from the starting gate.
Matt: Yeah, it’s gonna work fine unless she gets too many laughs, then we’re going to have a time problem.
Simon: Oh, good, this is new; let’s worry about getting too many laughs.
Matt: It’s true.
Simon: Anyway, I wanted to come by and tell you that it really means a lot to Ricky and Ron, that you’re letting me do some of their stuff tonight.
Matt: Eh, it’s not bad, and you killed with it at dress. Listen, would you recognize Darren Wells if you saw him?
Simon: The pitcher?
Danny: The pitcher.
Matt: If we’re calling him that. With a career record of 7 – 15 with an ERA of 6.26 and one win in his last eight decisions. He’s got a walk to strikeout ratio that could only be impressive in t-ball and once tore a rotator cuff drying his hair with a towel!
Simon: They’ve been out once!
Matt: You knew?
Simon: Yes!
Matt: And you didn’t tell me?
Danny: He probably thought it would distract you. Obviously he was wrong.
Matt: You seen the board? The show is good and it’s done.
Danny: I know it’s good and between writing the show and getting a stiletto boot signed at the Roxy I’m surprised you had time to memorize his pitching stats.
Matt: How did you know about that?
Simon: Stiletto boot?
Danny: I miss nothing.
Matt: There he is!
Simon: He’s big!
Matt: It’s not hard to be big.
Danny: That’s right.
Matt: Let’s see him make the Dean’s List eight semesters in a row as a Contemporary Dramatic Lit major.
Simon: Fairy.
Matt: What the hell kind of a mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression?
Danny: The same kind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert’s chair; let’s go! Start the show!
Simon: And be careful, will you, because between here and there might be windows made of glass.
Matt: Yeah.
[NBS parking garage]
Kevin: Jordan!
Jordan: Yeah?
Kevin: You wanted these, too.
Jordan: Oh, thanks.
Kevin: Shelly Green’s office just called.
Jordan: God, what now?
Kevin: Ryan’s going on Geraldo.
Jordan: When?
Kevin: Monday night.
Jordan: Well, shark’s gotta swim, bat’s gotta fly, I’m gonna get screwed by this man ‘till I die.
Kevin: Mind if I ask you something?
Jordan: What?
Kevin: Some of the stuff is true. Some he’s making up.
Jordan: Yeah.
Kevin: So why not at least put out a piece of paper saying, “This one’s true, this one he made up. This one’s true.” Why not at least do that?
Jordan: ‘Cause I’d look like an idiot, I’d prolong the story, I’d take it to a new level by commenting, and mostly I’d help him sell books.
Kevin: Well, you’re taking it well.
Jordan: Thank you.
Kevin: You’re going home?
Jordan: No, I’m going to head on over to Studio 60. Check on Martha.
Kevin: Okay.
Jordan: Monday?
Kevin: Yeah, I’ll see you Monday.
Jordan: No, he’ll be on Geraldo Monday, my ex-husband?
Kevin: Yeah.
Jordan: Okay.
[Studio 60 stage – News 60 set]
Simon: “At schools today, all the kids are diagnosed with dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD. When I went to school, they were just stupid. ‘What’s wrong with my son?’ ‘Oh, him? He’s stupid.’ Next. America’s also the most overweight nation in the world. We’ve got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs. If you really want to mess with somebody’s head...”
[Lobby]
Jordan: What are you doing?
Matt: I’m listening.
Jordan: Why aren’t you watching?
Matt: I’m listening.
Jordan: Why?
Matt: Because if I don’t attach the voice to the face it doesn’t matter.
Jordan: Okay. I didn’t care, anyway.
[Studio 60 stage – News 60 set]
Simon: “I’m Simon Styles.”
Harriet: “I’m Harriet Hayes, and that’s the news.” [Audience cheers.]
[Control Room]
Cal: We’re out.
Lilly: 90 seconds back.
[Set]
Danny: Stand by. I got us right on it, Cally.
Cal: Yeah, Tom’s gonna blow it all to hell with Dr. Phil, though.
Danny: You and Matt are both worried about people laughing too much.
Cal: I’m worried they turn off the electricity at 10 o’clock. How’s Matt liking it?
Danny: I don’t know, he’s wandering around.
Cal: Why?
Danny: He’s in love.
Cal: Okay, 30 back.
[Backstage]
Simon: Ricky, Ron!
Ricky: Hey!
Ron: Did a good show so far.
Simon: Your stuff in the news killed, I wanted to say nice job.
Ricky: Thank you.
Ron: Thanks.
Ricky: You think you can mention to Matt that you liked it?
Simon: Well, it’s not going to matter to Matt if I liked it. Only if he liked it.
Ricky: We should be overseeing the news.
Simon: One show at a time. I thought it was a pretty big step that he gave you 90 seconds.
Ricky: We’re used to running the show. 90 seconds isn’t a big step for us.
Simon: I meant it was a big step for him, anyway, 90 seconds is enough to feel proud of authorship, thanks.
[Danny’s office – post show]
Danny: That’s how we do it downtown, baby! Do me a favor, don’t write down the “baby”, that just came out.
Martha: Look, uh, I can’t get involved in my own story, but you need to see this. I was surfing the net –
Danny: You need full access to surf the net?
Martha: Listen to me! -- To get real-time reaction to the show, and this was posted a few minutes after “News 60” came down. It looks like a home movie of a comic at a club called The Laugh Factory and there’s a date stamp – it was taken almost a year ago.
Comic: “At schools today, kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD. In my day, you were just stupid. ‘What’s wrong with my son?’ ‘Oh, him? He’s just stupid.’ Next. America is the most overweight nation in the world. We get so much food here, we drop it along with bombs on other countries…”
Danny: [on phone] It’s Danny. Let the audience go, but no one else leaves the building. I need Jordan McDeere, I need Legal, I need the broadcast center. We’ve got a problem.
[Backstage]
Tom: Good show.
Matt: Good show, man.
Tom: Whoa, wait, where’re you going?
Matt: What?
Tom: Where’re you going?
Matt: I’m going.
Tom: I knew it.
Matt: I’m going.
Tom: Matt!
Matt: I’m going to her dressing room, and I’m stamping her down.
Tom: Why?
Matt: Because one of the Bombshell Babies gave me some really good advice.
Tom: I dare you to say that sentence again.
Matt: Hey, if the Bombshell Babies know anything, it’s –
Tom: Dancing!
Matt: Romance!
PA: Matt, they’re telling me they need you upstairs.
Matt: In a minute.
Tom: Matt, the show just came down, you’re full of adrenaline, you just watched her perform, this is your most vulnerable time.
Matt: Maybe so.
Tom: Well, don’t you think she knows that? This is like Strindberg festival in the park!
Matt: This has nothing to do with Strindberg
Tom: When Paula and I broke up –
Matt: Tommy, you and Paula broke up because she never saw you. We never leave here.
Tom: That’s not true. Friday night was always date night.
Matt: Friday night is show night!
Tom: And we’d have date night at the wrap party!
Matt: She’s a doctor! She went to college for ten years! She doesn’t want to compete for your time with the girls of Delta Gamma!
PA #2: Excuse me, sir; they’re waiting for you upstairs.
Matt: I will be up in a minute!
Tom: Matty, aside from all that, you’re her boss!
Matt: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that, and that’s just ridiculous.
Tom: It’s not.
Matt: What about all of the other couples who have been in show business? Vincent Minnelli and Judy Garland, Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe…
Tom: Things worked out well for those guys.
Matt: The Carpenters?
Tom: Siblings, but again, she’s dead.
Matt: If Harriet dies, I can live with that. What I can’t live with is – [Matt opens the dressing room door to find Harriet kissing Darren.]
Woman [press? fan?]: Harry, can we get a picture of you two?
Harriet: Well, wait, hang on..
Woman: We can use it or not use it.
Darren: It’s up to you. [The camera flashes, and Matt backs into a suit of armor.]
Harriet: Matt, you okay?
Matt: I’m sorry, I was just –
Suzanne: Matt –
Matt: I’m sorry, was I allowed to pick this up, or does it have to be a union –
Suzanne: Sir –
Matt: Union grip or something?
Suzanne: They need you upstairs. Something –
Matt: No.
Harriet: Hang on, this –
Matt: Oh, yeah, I just came downstairs to say great show. Darren, Matt Albie, I’m a big fan, I saw you pitch against the Mets in July, they couldn’t touch you.
Darren: Oh, that was a good game.
Matt: Yeah.
Suzanne: Matt.
Darren: Man, you made me laugh tonight.
Matt: Yeah, it was nothing.
Harriet: It was him.
Suzanne: Something’s happened, Matt.
Matt: What?
Suzanne: Danny needs you right now upstairs, something’s happened.
Matt: Excuse me.
[Danny’s office]
Comic: “You really want to mess with somebody’s head, drop a cruise missile and a ton of hot pockets on their ass.”
Jordan: How’d it happen?
Danny: I don’t know, it was material that came from the room.
Jordan: What do you want to do?
Danny: Whatever Matt tells us to do.
Jordan: Well, I want –
Danny: Whatever he tells us to do, Jordan. This is his. Accusing a writer of plagiarism –
Jordan: You just said it wasn’t him. It was the writers –
Danny: Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. Martha?
Martha: You might as well accuse him of being a sex offender.
Danny: An immediate press release worded however he wants, an apology, whatever he tells us to do including, Cal, we’re going to –
Cal: Yeah.
Danny: -- break into west coast tape delay, with a rewritten “News 60” again live.
Jordan: The whole thing?
Cal: Yeah, I can’t c-jack Simon and Harriet into the middle taped segment, they’ve got to do the whole thing at, what?
Lilly: Uh, 00:13, I think.
Matt: What’s going on?
Danny: All right, listen, do you know a stand-up, name of Lenny Gold?
Matt: No.
Danny: The 90 seconds from Ricky and Ron, there’s video on the internet of the guy doing it, almost verbatim, at The Laugh Factory almost a year ago. It’s like open mike night or something, I don’t…. We’re breaking into tape play, doing “News 60” live again.
Matt: We need to get this guy on the phone, if he’s anywhere near here we’re going to invite him to come down here and do it himself.
Danny: The interns are already on the phone.
Matt: He should be pretty easy to find, because there probably aren’t that many “Lenny Gold”s in the LA area.
Danny: If we can’t find him?
Matt: I’ll write another 90 seconds, but the first 30 are going to be an explanation and an apology.
Jordan: We’re also trying to get Legal on the phone. I think maybe we should wait for them?
Matt: We’re not waiting for anything, and when you get Legal, ask them what they think the settlement’s going to be in the copyright infringement suit we’re all going to be named defendants in.
Lilly: What about the audience?
Danny: What about them?
Lilly: There isn’t going to be one.
Danny: It’s a 4:50 segment, it’s going to be pretty dry.
Cal: I can laugh it.
Matt: We’re not using the box.
Danny: All right, Lilly, here’s what you do. Find everyone who’s not doing something, send them out on the street with $20 bills.
Cal: We only need to fill the center.
Danny: You, go start writing, now.
Matt: I need to tell Simon.
Danny: All right
Matt: But you’re going to have to bring a couple of guys to tie him down first.
Danny: Go.
Cal: I gotta get on the phone with the broadcast center in New Jersey. [Conversation shifts to the hallways.]
Jordan: Our broadcast center is in New Jersey?
Danny: It’s confidence-inspiring, the president of the network doesn’t know that.
Jordan: Who knew?
Danny: Bayonne, New Jersey. They send it up to a satellite which you keep in outer space.
Jordan: Why!
Danny: Seven second delay…
Cal: Yeah?
Danny: How does the math work, we add seven seconds?
Cal: We subtract seven seconds.
Danny: We add it.
Cal: We subtract it.
Danny: The tape broadcast happens seven seconds later in the west than it did live in the east.
Cal: That’s why you subtract seven seconds.
Danny: You don’t add it?
Jordan: Oh, and this has me bathed in confidence.
Danny: We’re fine. I’m going to go have a conversation with Ricky and Ronny.
Jordan: Is this going to work?
Cal: Sure.
Jordan: You’ve done this before?
Cal: A hundred times. Well, really not ever, but I can’t think what the problem would be.
Jordan: Sure, what could possibly go wrong?
Cal: There you go.
[Danny slams through a doorway.]
Ricky: We just heard, we’re going to talk to Matt, we just want you to know that – [Danny slams Ron up against the wall amid a lot of screaming.]
Danny: Who was it, Ricky?! I know it wasn’t you two who handed that up!
Ricky: It was the room, and we take responsibility.
Danny: Sixteen writers don’t get together and collectively rip somebody off. Who was it?
Ricky: I’m not going to tell you, Danny.
Danny: Ricky –
Ricky: I’m not going to tell you, Danny!
Danny: You are going to tell me because I want someone’s ass on my desk and if I find out they did it on purpose to screw with Matt, I’m gonna get a lot more than that.
Ricky: They didn’t do it on purpose, there’s no way.
Danny: Who was it, Ron?
Ron: I’m sorry, Danny, I’m not going to tell ya.
Ricky: We’re taking full responsibility, and will resign if you want.
Danny: Lilly’s collecting cash to go out and buy an audience, see if you can help her.
Ron: Yeah.
[Backstage, near set]
Simon: Just give me a name.
Matt: Simon.
Simon: A description.
Matt: It doesn’t matter, it was my fault.
Simon: How’re we doing this?
Matt: After “Meet the Press”, we’ll have a 2:20 c-break, then we’ll come back, punch in “News 60” live. There’ll be an explanation, an apology at the top, then we’ll go into our jokes.
Simon: All right.
Matt: All right.
Simon: We need to be able to prove it’s live.
Matt: Maisie! A sports score.
Maisie: Yeah?
Matt: Have someone stay on top of the game, any game, and Simon will give the current score.
Maisie: It’s going to be after midnight in the west, Matt, 3 AM in the east. Is anybody playing anything?
Matt: Somewhere in the world there’s a sporting event going on! Have somebody stay on top of the score!
Simon: I bussed tables at Hamburger Ham [?] until 11, then I worked six clubs a night for 10 dollars a set and a free drink, and never in my life have I stole a joke!
Matt: And you didn’t tonight either. I did.
Harriet: Matt?
Matt: I gotta go to my office.
Harriet: That was awful, what happened before. It took me by surprise, too. He just opened the door and kissed me.
Matt: Yeah, I was going to rush in to help when I saw you struggling to break free.
Harriet: Can you stop walking?
Matt: I’m kinda in the middle of something, here!
Harriet: You said –
Matt: Date the Los Angeles Lakers, Harry, I don’t care right now.
Harriet: I understand.
Overhead: Harriet and Simon to the stage, please.
[Matt’s office]
Cue Card: WEST COAST FEED 12:08 AM
TV announcer: “If it’s Sunday, it’s ‘Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis.’”
Harriet: “That’s our floor manager, Nadine. Hi, Nadine. My guests this morning are Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and the Junior High Senator from New York, Hilary Rodham Clinton.” [Matt smiles at the TV.]
[Danny’s monitors off-set]
Martha: How did something like this happen?
Danny: It doesn’t, usually. I hope you’ve noted that we’ve taken all the steps we can think of to correct it.
Martha: I’ve done that.
Danny: Can you think of anything that we’re not doing? Then note that, too.
Martha: Hey, I don’t work for you. I’ll note what I –
Danny: Note it!
Martha: I’m noting it, I’m noting it!
Danny: But I don’t see you… okay.
Martha: So how does something like this happen?
Danny: Matt didn’t start out in TV so he has a harder time writing with a group. I told him last week I wanted him to start getting the other writers into the game. Rick Tahoe and Ron Oswald are the co-execs in charge of the room. They gave him this material, and Matt did what I told him to do.
Martha: Well, it seems reasonable.
Danny: Well, write down that it seems reasonable.
Martha: How about if you write the piece and I just put my name on it?
Danny: Are you allowed to do that?
Martha: No.
Danny: So you’re just mocking me, then?
Martha: Yeah.
Danny: Yeah. Harry!
Harriet: Yeah?
Danny: Sit down next to him and calm him down, there’s no point in doing this if he’s going to eat the desk on camera.
Harriet: Yeah.
Danny: And, Harry?
Harriet: Sir?
Danny: Isn’t Matt’s psycho obsession with you problematic enough for us without you making out with baseball players in front of him?
Harriet: I was just as surprised as you –
Danny: Harry? Go to the desk.
Overhead: We’re at commercial break; stand by, everybody.
[Set]
Harriet: You know, where I grew up, if this had happened there’d be a town meeting and everybody’d be there and the guy would have to sit and listen while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character.
Simon: That’s exactly what would happen where I grew up, except we’d have driven by the guy’s house and shot him with a Cat-9.
Harriet: See? There’s more that unites us than divides us. [The crowd fills in, which is motley, to say the least.] Oh good, our audience is here.
[Control room]
Cal: Okay, we’re two minutes out.
Jordan: The guys with the red bandanas, are they Crips?
Cal: No, red bandanas mean they’re Bloods.
Jordan: Okay, are we insured for any of this?
Cal: I don’t know, but I wouldn’t think so. Suzanne?
Suzanne: Yeah?
Cal: We’ve got to move the woman in the fishnet top, she’s not wearing anything underneath.
Jordan: Oh, dear God.
Suzanne: Got it.
[Danny’s monitor off-set]
Danny: It’s like the grand opening of a head shop.
[Set]
Simon: This isn’t happening.
[Matt’s office]
Matt: All right, tell them it’s printing out downstairs. They’re just going to have hard copies at the desk, there isn’t time for cue cards.
Maisie: Got it.
Matt: Got a game someplace?
Maisie: Cricket match in Bangalore.
Matt: Well, why not? [A runner runs the script to the desk and to Danny.]
[Control room]
Cal: Sim, you okay with those pages?
[Set]
Simon: Yes, Cal, I’m okay with the pages.
Danny: All right, here we go, just like we did it three hours ago only, you know, legal.
Announcer: “From Los Angeles, California….”
Cal: Okay, we’re going live, five, four, three, two, one…
Simon: “I’m Simon Styles.”
Harriet: “And I’m Harriet Hayes.”
Simon: “We are live right now on the West Coast. We;ve cut into the tape delayed feed of the program that began this broadcast three hours and forty-three minutes ago in the East. At this moment in Bangalore, the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology is playing the Bangalore Union Cricket Club in the LG ICC test match. Bangalore is up 240 runs with one wicket lost in the first inning.”
Cal: Good, good.
Simon: “During the East Coast broadcast, I performed jokes from this desk that it turns out had been plagiarized. It was material that was written by, and has been performed by an obviously talented comedian named Lenny Gold. Our mistake was inadvertent and deeply regrettable. We hope he accepts our apology, and that you continue to be viewers of our show. So, here now, the news.”
Harriet: “Environmentalist Al Gore is being…”
[Matt’s office]
Ricky: The guy hadn’t got anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job. We both talked to him and in no uncertain terms he screwed up huge and he knows it. But I’m not going to end his career over it. Cause I know how he feels. And that’s why we misled you and told you it was written by the room. People aren’t even going for funny any more, Matt. They’re just trying for your respect. Anyway, we told Danny we’ll step down if you want, but we’re not giving him up.
Matt: Well, now you’ve got my respect.
Maisie: Matt?
Matt: Yeah?
Maisie: It wasn’t him.
Matt: What do you mean?
Maisie: We found Lenny Gold, the right Lenny Gold, and we asked him if he wanted to come on the air and do it himself, and he said he can’t, ‘cause he stole it, too.
Matt: What?
Ricky: What?
Maisie: He said the guy who wrote it wrote it nine years ago and his name is Benjamin Barkley.
Ron: Does that name sound familiar, Benjamin Barkley? [Matt calls Danny.]
[Danny’s monitors]
Simon: “I’m Simon Styles.”
Danny: Yeah?
Harriet: “And I’m Harriet Hayes. That’s the news.”
Overhead: And we’re out.
Danny: Hang on, hang on! We’re going to bust in again after this c-break!
Simon: Why?!
Danny: Just a second.
[Control room]
Jordan: All right, that worked! That was a nice piece of broadcasting, that was great, that was smooth sailing.
Cal: Yeah, we’re going again!
Jordan: Why?
Cal: We attributed the material to the wrong guy, but the problem is this will throw our time off a little, so we’ll have to pace the show as we go now. I’d get comfortable.
Jordan: When the phone rings, it’s going to be for me.
[Backstage huddle]
Danny: All right, everyone, we’re going to go from this to Ricardo so we’ll have time to make the change from swapped-on. [?]
Tom: Somebody will tell us when the show is over, right?
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: Okay.
Floor manager: Places!
Matt: Looks like there are bench warrants out for half our audience.
Danny: Nah, they’re good people. They like to laugh.
[Control room]
Cal: All right, here we are, cutting into the West Coast delay, everybody ready? Okay, we’re going live.
Lilly: In five, four, three, two…
[Set]
Simon: “We’re back, and we’re back live again on the West Coast. I don’t have a cricket update for you, so I’ll ask you to take my word for it. The reason that we’re still live is that we misattributed the plagiarized material we performed earlier to Lenny Gold. It turns out that the actual author is Benjamin Barkley…”
[Control room]
Suzanne: Ms. McDeere? Got Jack Rudolph.
Jordan: My boyfriend’s calling me. Hey, Jack.
Jack: What the Hell is going on over there?!
Jordan: It’s all under control; plus, if you had any money on the Bangalore Union Cricket Club, then it’s your lucky day.
[Set]
Simon: “And now, we return you to our show which, if we’ve timed this right, should be an amusing sixty-second cartoon. If we haven’t time this right, it’ll be a color-focus pattern.”
Floor manager: Out!
Danny: Yeah! All right, all right!
Ricky: It’s ours, we own it. Benjamin Barkley, Ben Barkley!
Ron: Benny!
Danny: He worked… here.
Matt: Before us.
Ricky: One season, ’91, and that’s when he wrote it, look at the stamp!
Ron: We own it!
Ricky: And he wrote it when he was here, look at the stamp!
Danny: We own the copyright.
Simon: No.
Danny: Yeah, just one more time. Give me Cally, get Jordan a drink, send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons.
Simon: Matt, anything in particular you want me to say to anyone who might still be left watching? [Matt scribbles on Simon’s paper.] “This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.”
Overhead: Ten, nine, eight…
[End!]
There are a couple of blank spots in this one. If you can fix them, or find any other errors, please comment and let me know.
