1x08
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x08: Nevada Day: Part II
Written by: David Handelman & Cinque Henderson (story) and Aaron Sorkin (teleplay)
Directed by: Timothy Busfield
Original Airing: November 13, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
DANNY
Previously on Studio 60…
HARRIET
I said, “The Bible says it’s a sin.” I also said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.
JIM
Call me a fag! Call me a faggot!
TOM
Say what you want, but stand the hell back!
TRENTANELLI
You have the right to speak to an attorney…
SIMON
Tom got arrested. We came out of dinner last night, some guys got in Harriet’s face over that gay marriage thing in the Post. Tom tried to break it up; he pushed one of them and the guy’s pressing charges.
KIM
Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend?
WHITE
She want’s to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60.
JACK
Tom Jeter.
WHITE
She’s going to be our way into Macau. We’re this close. I just threw this 99 yards down the field. Take it the last yard.
JORDAN
Is Zhang going to base his decision on $100 million?
JACK
Who knows what the hell guides his decisions? It might by a 19-year-old viola player.
JORDAN
The Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband’s book this morning.
JACK
Saying what?
JORDAN
I don’t like children, I don’t want to have children, I would never hire a woman with children.
JACK
We’re all going to get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump, Nevada.
BEBE
You’ve got a hell of a problem because I don’t like your television program. It’s condescending and smartass.
SIMON
Did you tell him why you were speeding?
TOM
No.
SIMON
Tell him why you were speeding!
TOM
No!
SIMON
Why not?
TOM
Because!
CUE CARD: NEVADA DAY PART II
[Matt’s office]
MATT
Well, it all started like this: Harriet was born and became a homophobe.
HARRIET
Thank you.
MATT
So Tom had to fend off some gay street toughs, one of whom is pressing charges. From there, they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump, Nevada. Tom had borrowed Simon’s jacket and the rest you know. I have every hope that they’ll get back for dress, but if they’re not… Alex?
ALEX
I’m sorry, man. Pahrump?
MATT
I know, it’s a funny name. Let’s get past it.
ALEX
Done.
MATT
So, I’m going to rewrite Tom’s sketches for Jeannie, what are you laughing at?
JEANNIE
Still Pahrump. Is Tom in jail in a Marx Brothers movie?
MATT
That’s good, that’s funny. Keep that sense of humor, Jeannie; you’re going to need it waiting tables at the Hooters in Santa Monica.
JEANNIE
Yes, sir.
MATT
Alex, start looking at Tom’s part in the Visa customer service sketch.
SAMANTHA
I can help you with that.
MATT
And also look at Red Carpet at the Nobel Prize. My first thought was that Harry would do the news alone, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.
HARRIET
It’s not.
MATT
It needs the ping-pong, so Dylan, guess what?
DYLAN
What?
MATT
You’re going to do the news with Harry if Simon doesn’t make it back.
DYLAN
No.
MATT
Yeah.
HARRIET
We can start working out in a little bit.
ALEX
It’ll be good, DK.
DYLAN
No, that’s Simon’s chair.
MATT
I know, but I can’t believe I’m getting a chance to say this, the show must go on. Sam, Jeannie, just let me hear the Lifetime Television Network Movie Achievement Awards.
JEANNIE
“The nominees for Best Writing on a Dramatic Movie Miniseries are: ‘Debbie, Leave Him: The Debbie Lieberman Story’…”
MATT
Okay.
JEANNIE
“’Margaret, He’s Hurting You: The Margaret McCastleman Story’…”
MATT
Go.
DYLAN
Matt…
MATT
Go, I gotta write.
SAMANTHA
“’Stephanie, Run While He Sleeps: The Stephanie Davis Story’…”
MATT
Get out.
HARRIET
You honestly think I’m a homophobe?
MATT
Harriet, I really can’t –
HARRIET
You honestly think –
MATT
Yes, yes, I do, and you know why? ‘Cause you are. Now go to work.
HARRIET
I said the Bible says it –
MATT
Yeah, yeah.
HARRIET
Don’t “yeah, yeah” me! And it seems to me every Democrat on a ballot answers the same question by talking about civil unions and leaving it up to the states and not wanting to –
MATT
I don’t need any reminding that my party is full to brimming of panderers and mediocrity.
HARRIET
What’s wrong with civil unions? And why shouldn’t we –
MATT
‘Cause there’s no way to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love, and watching you fall over it makes me want to hit you over the head with Liberace! Go work with Dylan! [Harriet walks out and hits the wall.]
HARRIET
…Ow!
[Main titles]
[Hallway]
HARRIET
Ow!
JORDAN
Did you just punch the wall?
HARRIET
Yeah.
JORDAN
Did the wall have it coming?
HARRIET
The wall was a victim of displaced anger. If you examine the wall, you’ll see it’s a veritable hieroglyphic of meetings in Matt’s office.
JORDAN
Your hand’s bleeding.
HARRIET
I’m fine. Matt’s free, you can go in and see him.
JORDAN
No, I came to talk to you. You know what I love about Brazil?
HARRIET
The country?
JORDAN
Yeah, the country.
HARRIET
No.
JORDAN
In Brazil, you’re not allowed to be a journalist without two things: a college degree in journalism and a license. This has in no way hampered freedom of speech or the press, just as the requirement of a law degree and a license from the state bar has in no way hampered an American’s ability to become a lawyer.
HARRIET
Listen to me. I said the Bible says it’s a sin, but it also says, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” So it’s up to smarter people than me to decide. That’s what I said. It’s been two days now and I still haven’t had anyone successfully explain to me the crime I committed.
JORDAN
No one’s saying you committed a crime.
HARRIET
According to my publicist, quite a few people are saying it.
JORDAN
That’s why I’m talking to you right now.
HARRIET
Oh, Jordan.
JORDAN
Here’s what I need you to do to fix it.
HARRIET
By going on the cover of Newsweek and saying I’m gay?
JORDAN
Would you be willing to do that? I’m kidding!
HARRIET
Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
JORDAN
I’m dry.
HARRIET
I know.
JORDAN
No, I want you to do nothing. For six weeks. This one doesn’t live unless we give it air.
HARRIET
When it comes to doing press, I’m happiest doing nothing.
JORDAN
No, I wasn’t talking about press, I’m talking about the concerts.
HARRIET
Women United Through Faith, what about them?
JORDAN
You have six concert appearances scheduled with them throughout the country on six consecutive Mondays.
HARRIET
Yeah.
JORDAN
You shouldn’t be appearing with groups that oppose gay marriage.
HARRIET
Are you censoring me?
JORDAN
Don’t put it like that.
HARRIET
Give me another way to put it.
JORDAN
Harry, I –
HARRIET
I grew up with Women United. I was a teenager when my mom died, and she asked them to look out for me, and they did.
JORDAN
Harry –
HARRIET
I don’t agree with everything they believe in, but I don’t believe with everything you believe in, either. Doesn’t stop me from working for you.
JORDAN
I understand –
HARRIET
I do Crazy Christians, I do Science Schmience, Cheeses of Nazereth –
JORDAN
Cheeses of Nazereth?
HARRIET
It’s Matt’s latest. Cheddar, Port-Salut, Gouda, all from the Holy Land. Cheeses of Nazareth.
JORDAN
That’s a little funny.
HARRIET
Yes, it is. They all are. I’m saying they all are, so why can’t I go out there and…. Young girls attend these events. They admire me. I’m in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter’s.
JORDAN
Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter’s, and I couldn’t admire you more for the time and energy you devote to groups like this, but aside from the negative attention it will bring to the show at exactly the wrong time, I’m concerned about damage to your career that you wouldn’t be able to recover from.
HARRIET
Oh, please.
JORDAN
Series television, features, record labels… you have more doors open to you than anybody and they’ll all close if what you’re most famous for is being a gay-basher.
HARRIET
I’m not!
JORDAN
I know, so please, sit down for six weeks.
HARRIET
My career will be fine.
JORDAN
I’m sure you’re right, but just for a second opinion, let’s go ask Anita Bryant.
HARRIET
She was a gay-basher and she had to be something because she sure wasn’t talented. I’m not Anita Bryant.
JORDAN
Like I don’t know that. Harry, really… friend to friend, okay? You trust the media and the American public to make the distinction?
HARRIET
You’re just thinking of me?
JORDAN
No, I’m thinking of you but I’m not allowed to just think of you. And I think you know by now that I wouldn’t ask something like this if I didn’t think it was extremely serious.
HARRIET
You know the network doesn’t actually have a say in this, right?
JORDAN
It’s producers’ discretion.
HARRIET
Yeah.
JORDAN
Matt’s in his office?
HARRIET
Yes.
JORDAN
When I leave, don’t hit the wall with your knuckles, okay? [Cell rings.] Hello?
[Outside the courthouse.]
DANNY
Danny.
JORDAN
Danny who?
DANNY
Danny Tripp!
JORDAN
I know; I was being dry. Why don’t people get that?
DANNY
Well, for one thing…
JORDAN
Then I was being rhetorical! What’s going on over there?
DANNY
We’re going to be fine. The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy in the governor’s office. The judge’s name is Bobby Bebe. I’m in the middle of an episode of “Walker: Texas Ranger.”
JORDAN
Jack’s raised a lot of money for the governor.
DANNY
That’s why we’re going to be out of here in a minute.
JORDAN
Good.
DANNY
Listen –
JORDAN
What?
DANNY
Jack and I had a conversation on the plane.
JORDAN
About what?
DANNY
It’s not important, but I want to know what you and Shelly are doing about this latest round of press.
JORDAN
With Harriet?
DANNY
With you. You don’t like kids, you don’t want kids, you don’t want to hire women who have kids… what are you doing about it?
JORDAN
Well, I’ve been reading this cool book called Oliver Twist, and it sounds like the best thing for me to do is to get a bunch of them together in a root cellar and get them to work for me as pickpockets.
DANNY
You’re being dry?
JORDAN
Yes.
DANNY
Okay. Well, you’re also being an idiot.
JORDAN
That’s not out of the question.
DANNY
Suit yourself.
JORDAN
I usually do.
[Courthouse]
KIM
Excuse me?
SIMON
Yes, ma’am.
KIM
Would you mind taking a picture of Tom and me?
SIMON
You know I’m Simon Styles? I’m on the show, too.
KIM
Yes.
SIMON
Take the picture.
JACK
Hey, Kim, is that the new Nikon S10?
KIM
I just got it.
JACK
Can I see it?
KIM
Sure. [Jack breaks it.]
JACK
Oh, no. Oh, so sorry, I dropped your camera on the ground, I owe you a new camera. Terrible. [to Simon] What the hell’s the matter with you?
SIMON
For starters, I’m in Pahrump, Nevada, and I have a show in six hours!
ZHANG (in Chinese)
What happened?
SIMON
When the man comes back you’re going to tell him why you were speeding.
BEBE
I received some instructions from the Statehouse.
JACK
Ah, I’m sorry to throw the weight of the governor’s office around, but obviously this is an urgent matter, so if you could just set bail?
BEBE
Yeah, the instructions were to be very sure not to show Mr. Jeter any special treatment. Apparently, Mr. Rudolph, you’re a big contributor in fundraisers for the governor, and he’s awful sensitive about that.
JACK
Really?
BEBE
Yes, sir.
JACK
Well, I guess that now I’m a little sensitive about that, myself.
BEBE
Who’s hungry? Best diner in the state’s right across the road! You don’t want to miss this.
JACK
We have a real time problem here –
BEBE
Tony, you hungry?
BOONE
Yes, Judge!
BEBE
All right, well, we can’t let you stay here all alone in the sheriff’s office, so you’ll just have to come along.
JACK
Judge –
BEBE
Grab the prisoner. We’ll buy him a slice of pie.
[The best diner in Nevada, natch.]
BEBE
Thank you, Mindy. How’d’you get your hair to do that, Sammy?
SIMON
What?
BEBE
How do you get your hair to do that?
SIMON
My name is Simon, your Honor.
BEBE
I keep forgetting that.
SIMON
Yes, you do, sir.
BEBE
Well, are those cornrows?
SIMON
No.
BEBE
Deadbolts?
BOONE
Dreadlocks.
BEBE
Dreadlocks?
SIMON
No, sir, they’re called twists.
BEBE
Twists?
JACK
Is this for real?
DAVID
Your Honor, this is outrageous, and I must tell you, absent a court reporter, I’m tape recording this entire proceeding.
BEBE
Good for you, Matlock. Mr. Jeter, you were cited for speeding August 16th. Deputy, why does that date sound familiar?
BOONE
That was the protest at Nellis, Judge. You were called over to Clark County to help Judge Martin.
BEBE
War protest over at Nellis. 100 arrests. Feature this: a protester was injured during the demonstration. He broke his leg and two ribs. He is now suing the US Air Force because the injuries were sustained on government property. What’d’you think about that?
TOM
Sir?
BEBE
The guy, suing the base?
DAVID
Your Honor, what does this have to do with Mr. Jeter –
BEBE
August 16th, were you at that protest?
TOM
No, sir.
BEBE
No?
TOM
No, sir, I was in Reno.
BEBE
What was your hurry?
SIMON
Tom –
TOM
No hurry, sir, I just took my eye off the speedometer.
BEBE
You don’t need a damn speedometer to tell you’re going 120.
DAVID
Judge, is the man going to be arraigned at some point?
BEBE
Yes, he is.
JACK
Can you tell me when?
BEBE
No, sir, I cannot.
JACK
And why not, sir?
BEBE
Because if you look around the room, you will notice that we’re missing someone, a representative of the people of Nye County.
DAVID
He needs a prosecutor.
BEBE
Thank you, Matlock. Assistant District Attorney Finney has been called from his paintball competition and is on his way. I cannot formally hear and rule on Mr. Jeter unless both sides are present. What I can do is make PCD, that’s probable cause determination, and throw Mr. Jeter into jail until the next business day.
DANNY
Your Honor, in this situation are you allowed to do pretty much anything you want?
BEBE
Why do you think I’m smiling? So do you use some kind of conditioner on that hair?
[Studio 60 hallway]
CAL
So, you hear anything?
MATT
I’m waiting for a call.
CAL
Me, too.
MATT
Does Simon know that use is a felony in Nevada?
CAL
He doesn’t care.
STAFFER
Matt?
MATT
Yeah?
STAFFER
Here.
MATT
Pick up.
STAFFER
On three.
MATT
Hey.
CAL
It’s Cal, too. What’s going on?
DANNY [on phone]
They’re bringing an ADA in from a paintball competition.
MATT
A paintball competition?
DANNY
Yeah. The judge can’t do anything without a prosecutor.
MATT
You’re going to come back here, right? People are asking me questions as if I know what I’m doing.
DANNY
I know the feeling.
MATT
Danny!
DANNY
I’m getting rehearsal feed off the internet, I’m in touch with all the department heads. We’re fine.
MATT
No, we’re not.
DANNY
No, we’re not, but we will be. [hangs up]
CAL
You ever do that?
MATT
What?
CAL
Paintball.
MATT
No.
CAL
Me neither.
MATT
Want to talk about it some more?
CAL
No.
[Writers’ room]
DARIUS
Can I ask you something?
LUCY
Yes.
DARIUS
Sometimes I hear people calling other people “sir”; there doesn’t seem to be a pattern to when and who. I don’t want to be impolite, but I don’t want to look like an idiot, either, so –
LUCY
What?
DARIUS
Who gets called sir?
LUCY
I’m working on a sketch right now.
DARIUS
Okay.
LUCY
There aren’t any rules to it. It’ll come naturally, like calling a conductor “Maestro” when he’s in the vicinity of the podium. You know, we get to Friday night, the more you hear Matt and Danny called “sir”. Cal, too, department heads, anybody who deserves it. It’s not a big deal.
DARIUS
Okay. Is this a white people thing, or –
LUCY
I’m not white, Darius, I’m English.
DARIUS
Put that line in the damn sketch.
[News 60 set]
HARRIET
“In an effort to uncover pirated DVDs, the Motion Picture Association of America began the use of trained dogs at London’s Heathrow airport. The dogs uncovered more than $60,000 worth of stolen movies, but seemed completely uninterested in ‘Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde.’ The US Immigration Department is teaming up with the Department of Homeland Security to use the citizenship test to route out terrorist cells. As a result, question number 90 on the test, ‘Where is the White House located?’ will now be changed to, ‘Why the hell are you looking for the White House?’ Dylan!”
DYLAN
“Uh, Russia’s Interfax news agency is…”
LILLY
Use your camera.
DYLAN
“Uh, Russia’s Interfax news agency is reporting that researchers at the planet’s -- ” Sorry. “The country’s plan -- ” Let me take that again.
HARRIET
Look at me. [makes a funny face] Okay, go.
DYLAN
“Russia’s Interfax news agency is reporting that researchers at the country’s plant institute in St. Petersburg have invented a strain of cannabis, one that is free of mind-altering properties. Here at ‘News 60’ our question is, why?
MATT
That may not work?
DYLAN
Is Simon getting back?
MATT
We don’t know yet. Can I have you one second?
HARRIET
Yeah.
DYLAN
“Former NBA star and…”
[Backstage]
MATT
Jordan spoke to me about the concerts; it’s producers’ discretion.
HARRIET
Are you going to be punitive?
MATT
What does that mean?
HARRIET
You don’t like the people I’m singing for, therefore you cancel –
MATT
Yeah, that sounds like me.
HARRIET
This group means a lot to me. They’re family.
MATT
I’m not saying that you can’t do it.
HARRIET
Thank you.
MATT
I think it’s dumb to do it.
HARRIET
No, what? When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom or Woody Allen marries his daughter or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination it doesn’t really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior!
MATT
Hollywood, who else are you talking to? You say Hollywood like a) you’re not a part of it, and b) we all get together once a month to decide what we think! I’ve worked in Hollywood for 10 years; I’ve never been in a room with three people who agree with each other.
HARRIET
All right, well, keep talking, I have to call back my agent because I know this is going to be good news.
MATT
By the way, you know what never happens? An Evangelical preacher getting caught with his secretary or a hooker. We never see that!
HARRIET
Absolutely nobody is listening to you!
MATT
You think I’d learned after 35 years.
[Set]
DYLAN
“Here at ‘News 60’ our question is, why?” It works if Simon’s saying it.
MATT
What works?
DYLAN
The punchline. “Here at ‘News 60’ our question is, why?” It works when Simon’s doing it. Or Alex.
MATT
Dylan?
DYLAN
Give this to Alex.
MATT
Why are you the only guy in town who’s looking for less camera time?
DYLAN
I really don’t know how to play it, I mean, do you want me to act sincere?
MATT
I don’t want you to act at all! Pick up your cues, aim for the end of the line, I mean, this is… don’t do a character. This is Dylan Killington, doing the news.
DYLAN
Because on the rundown so far, Alex can make the change.
MATT
Wardrobe needs to fit him for a suit.
LILLY
They did.
HARRIET
Sorry, Dylan, let’s get back to it.
MATT
What did she want?
HARRIET
I’m going to get whacked by The Advocate for being intolerant.
MATT
Well, if that’s the worst that happens –
HARRIET
It’s not. I’ve been asked not to appear at the Women United Through Faith concerts.
MATT
Why?
HARRIET
For not being intolerant enough.
MATT
Wow, talk about –
HARRIET
Shut up. You live off Mulholland. There are other streets in the country where marriage is important.
MATT
It’s important off of Mulholland, too. But let me ask you something, how is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone’s marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down also getting married? And if it is, how does that become their problem?
HARRIET
Relax, let’s go from the top.
[Diner]
DANNY
Jack, you know the thing’s not true, right?
JACK
With Jordan?
DANNY
Yeah, this kid thing. She said it because –
JACK
Since when are you defending her? I thought you didn’t like her.
DANNY
Me?
JACK
Yeah.
DANNY
Me? No, I mean, I don’t like network presidents vocationally. It’s not personal. She’s only been doing it six weeks. Her only big move has been Studio 60, and Studio 60’s working.
JACK
It is? Where are we right now?
DANNY
This isn’t her fault.
JACK
It’s not mine, either, but that’s not what Wilson White’s gonna say.
FINNEY [entering in full paintball regalia]
Sorry it took me a bit to get here, Judge.
BEBE
It’s all right, here’s your file. [gun accidentally goes off and shoots right between Danny and Jack, who are both nonplussed]
FINNEY
Damn. Sorry, Judge, left the safety off.
BEBE
Yes, sir, you almost hit the Chairman of NBS. Shepherd, Matlock, you’re up. Let’s go back across the street to administer some justice.
[Backstage]
LILLY
All right, Judgemental Credit Card Rep is up, Alex!
CAL
It’s just for camera marks, go to one!
[Set]
LILLY
Ring, ring.
ALEX
“Hello?”
SAMANTHA [in a put on Japanese accent]
“Mr. McAllister?”
ALEX
“Speaking.”
SAMANTHA
“This is Jenny from Visa Customer Service. We’re calling to enquire about some unusual activity with your Visa card. Can you tell me where you last use your card?”
ALEX
“Uh, sure, I think it was at the Ralph Lauren store on Rodeo.”
SAMANTHA
“Mm hmm, and can you tell me what you purchased?”
ALEX
“A pair of socks.”
SAMANTHA
“Mm hmm, and can you tell me what you pay?”
ALEX
“I think about sixty dollars.”
SAMANTHA
“That’s a lot of money for sock, don’t you think?”
ALEX
“Excuse me?”
SAMANTHA
“Say sixty dollar is a lot of money for sock.”
ALEX
“Well, what do you care?”
SAMANTHA
“No reason to be rude, sir. Were the socks a gift or were they for yourself?”
ALEX
“Look, is there a problem with my card?”
SAMANTHA
“Paying sixty dollar for sock on Rodeo Drive when there’s 3 pair for $9.99 at Wal-Mart? I don’t think the problem is with your card, sir.”
MATT
All right.
LILLY
Thank you, we move to Item 10, News 60! Harriet, Dylan!
[Backstage]
DYLAN
Matt?
MATT
Yeah?
DYLAN
You hear anything from them?
MATT
I’m sure they’ll be back in time, but let’s cover ourselves.
DYLAN
‘Cause watching Alex just now, it really seems to me that –
MATT
What is your problem? Your rehearsal before was fine, you’re going to be fine. Just be yourself.
DYLAN
I can’t just be myself.
MATT
Why?
DYLAN
Because I’m not Robert Redford.
MATT
I’ll be honest with you, Dylan, I really don’t, you know, I don’t pay attention to other men’s bodies.
HARRIET
Yeah, he’s not homophobic.
MATT
I’m homophobic in the way that makes sense.
DYLAN
Matt, I –
MATT
I don’t want you doing anything that you’re uncomfortable with. If you feel better with characters, voices, and wigs, that’s fine. Alex?
DYLAN
Thank you.
ALEX
Yes, sir?
MATT
Pretend you’re talking to me for a second.
ALEX
Okay.
MATT
When I say ‘now,’ you’re going to look over at the News 60 desk with a look mixed with nervous concern and eager anticipation.
ALEX
Okay.
MATT
Now.
ALEX
How was that?
MATT
I could use another take for safety, but we’ll live with it. Jeannie! [whispers]
JEANNIE
Hey, Dylan!
DYLAN
Hey, Jeannie, I –
JEANNIE
Don’t flirt with me, rook, and you should be getting ready for the news.
DYLAN
No, I’m not doing the news. Alex is going to do it if Simon doesn’t make it back.
JEANNIE
Why?
DYLAN
Matt’s call.
JEANNIE
Huh, I wonder why. I saw your rehearsal before, and I thought it was good. You showed a new side of you, and I was looking forward to seeing you in a dark blue suit.
DYLAN
Yeah?
JEANNIE
Don’t flirt with me, rook.
DYLAN
Yes, ma’am.
HARRIET
How come I never get to be the sexy shill?
MATT
She is money in the bank.
HARRIET
Yes, I know.
DYLAN
Matt?
MATT
Dylan. What can I do for you?
[Jordan’s office]
JORDAN
That’s a little personal, sir.
WHITE
Yes.
JORDAN
Sorry, you withdraw the question, or you don’t care?
WHITE
I don’t care.
JORDAN
I had said to my ex-husband that I didn’t want to have children because I didn’t want to have children with him.
WHITE
Ah.
JORDAN
Yes.
WHITE
Well, you know what Mark Twain said –
JORDAN
“They’re after us, Jim, now lay into that pole!”
WHITE
“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting its shoes on.”
JORDAN
Much more germane to the situation.
WHITE
Within the scope of TMG, NBS is a drop in the bucket. Content may be king, but distribution pays the king’s mortgage. With the entertainment’s 8% profit margin, I sometimes wonder why I bother.
JORDAN
Sir –
WHITE
But I don’t wonder for long, because NBS will always be the public face of TMG. Our broadband service has never landed us on the cover of Time, and no TMG board member has ever had to account for our theme parks at a Princeton parent’s day weekend!
JORDAN
But they have to account for me?
WHITE
Yeah.
JORDAN
It’s much ado about nothing, Wilson. It’s a combination of a bottom-feeding ex-husband, code-holding media outlets, some of which, sir, are owned by TMG, and religious groups that are angry over the fact that I –
WHITE
I don’t care. Make it stop.
ASSISTANT
Danny Tripp. [Jordan picks up phone.]
JORDAN
You screw up this TMG deal with China and I’m going to hire real Germans to kill you.
[Outside courthouse]
DANNY
I don’t have anything to do with the deal in China.
JORDAN
Neither do I, so deal with it. What’s going on over there?
DANNY
There’s now an Assistant DA here in Thunderdome. He’s looking into the file and they’ll all get into it in a minute.
JORDAN
Let me know when your cast is out of jail.
[Judge’s office]
FINNEY
Well, we’ve got a reckless driving, willful wanton disregard for public safety, causing death, bodily injury, and harm –
DAVID
It’s a speeding ticket.
FINNEY
The assault and battery charge –
SIMON
He just stepped in between two –
DAVID
Purview of LA County.
FINNEY
And the FTA, failure to appear, which ups the whole thing to a Category B felony –
BEBE
Category A includes murder, so you don’t want to get up too high on that alphabet.
FINNEY
And the marijuana in the jacket.
SIMON
Which is mine.
FINNEY
Well, possession’s just a misdemeanor, but the joint was half-smoked, suggesting use, which is a felony.
JACK
Thank God it is.
DANNY
Jack.
JACK
If we don’t get these dangerous pot-smokers off the streets, then we’ll run out of Pop Tarts at the grocery stores.
BEBE
Are you mouthing off to this court, Mr. Rudolph?
JACK
Yes, I am, Judge. That’s what happens when I’ve been screwed with a couple hours straight by someone other than my wife!
DAVID
Jack –
FINNEY
Judge –
JACK
You’ve been playing around with us like we’re a damn cat toy because you think it’s funny.
FINNEY
Judge –
BEBE
How exactly is that different from what these guys do every Friday night?
JACK
These guys aren’t the law, Judge. They don’t wear a fricken’ robe.
DANNY
Jack, really, he needs a lawyer.
JACK
I am a lawyer! And Buffalo Bob and his sister Sue over here are going to keep Tom in jail over the weekend because they don’t like Studio 60.
BEBE
Deputy, handcuff Mr. Rudolph, charge him in contempt, and read him Miranda.
JACK
You can tell the governor he can find a new ATM machine!
FINNEY
Judge. Deputy, hang on! [whispers] That prisoner guy’s got on some kind of an arm bracelet, looks like a military thing, I don’t know what it means, but….
BEBE
Mr. Jeter, come here. Let me see your wrist.
DAVID
Isn’t that an illegal search?
BEBE
He’s already under arrest, Matlock. I can search whatever I want; I just want to see his wrist. What’d you pay this guy?
JACK
He’s a copyright lawyer.
TOM
Now they tell me.
BEBE
Let me see your wrist. You weren’t protesting in Nellis. You were driving to Nellis.
SIMON
Finally.
BEBE
You were driving to Nellis, right?
TOM
Yes, sir.
BEBE
Mark Jeter, he’s your brother?
TOM
Yes, sir.
BEBE
Older or younger?
TOM
He’s my little brother.
JACK
What’s going on?
BEBE
Mr. Jeter’s younger brother is a staff sergeant with the 820th Red Horse squadron deployed out of Nellis Air Force Base. You know what Red Horse does? They go into war zones and they build things incredibly fast, a hospital in three days, roads, bridges –
FINNEY
Is it dangerous?
BEBE
You want to go to a Taliban-controlled region of Afghanistan right now with an American flag on your shoulder and build a school.
FINNEY
Why didn’t you say anything?
BEBE
This isn’t his first tour, is it?
TOM
It’s his third.
BEBE
You see, Staff Sgt. Jeter’s just playing Russian roulette at this point, ‘cause you should see what happens to the casualty numbers with multiple tours. He didn’t want his little brother’s last act on this earth to be getting him out of a speeding ticket. I’m right, right?
TOM
Yes, sir.
BEBE
What do you know, I’m Agatha Christie. Booney? On my own motion, I move to dismiss all the charges in my own jurisdiction against Mr. Jeter. I do so in the interest of… well, really, just because I feel like it.
TOM
Thank you, sir.
BEBE
Mr. Styles and Mr. Rudolph, they’re both friends of yours?
TOM
Yes, sir.
BEBE
You sure?
TOM
Yes, sir.
BEBE
You absolutely sure?
TOM
Yes, sir.
BEBE
Deputy, can I see that evidence bag?
BOONE
No, sir, we’ve lost the evidence bag.
BEBE
Well, what’d’you know about that. Well, Sammy, citing lack of corpus, that’s evidence to you, I do not accept the charges of possession or use, and as to you, Mr. Rudolph, we’ll just chalk you up to being an Ivy League tight-ass who needs a vacation.
DANNY
That should go for me too, sir.
BEBE
Don’t press your luck, funny man. And stop thinking everybody between 5th Avenue and the Hollywood Bowl just stepped barefoot out of the cast of “Hee-Haw.” Tell your friends about it. You’re all excused. Go.
[Airplane]
DANNY
Are we flying as fast as we can?
ATTENDANT
Captain said we were.
DANNY
Doesn’t seem like we’re flying as fast as we can.
ATTENDANT
It’s hard to gauge air speed.
DANNY
But we’re not trying to conserve fuel or anything.
ATTENDANT
No.
DANNY
Because this is no time to get serious about global warming.
ATTENDANT
The pilot’s flying as fast as the plane will go, and that’s pretty fast.
DANNY
This may sound pretty crazy, but we’re not being slowed down by the fact that you’re making chicken Caesar salad for everyone, right?
ATTENDANT
No.
DANNY
Okay.
JACK
What do you want?
DANNY
You know the good thing about Jordan? Anything something goes wrong, you can always blame her.
JACK
That’s the best you can do?
DANNY
It’s true, I talked to her on the phone and Wilson White’s ready to blame her if the China deal falls through.
JACK
I can assure you that Wilson will assign a healthy portion of the blame to me.
DANNY
Jack –
JACK
Not everyone can be as indifferent toward making money as you are.
DANNY
Yeah, but you’re somebody who can afford to be. You’re already rich, Jack, why not be a broadcaster, now?
JACK
Oh, get away from me!
DANNY
I’m saying –
JACK
You sit over there in your theatre –
DANNY
I sit over there in my theatre? You have no idea what I do. If you had my job for a day, you’d sit in the middle of the room and cry.
JACK
Maybe, but if you had my job for a day you’d lose a couple hundred million dollars of other people’s money and not care, though I’m sure NBS would be the highest rated network within a mile radius of Zabar’s and the Chateau Marmont.
DANNY
You know, you call me an elitist, but I’m not the one who thinks shows need to be dumber to work central and mountain time.
JACK
She’s got a paper.
DANNY
What?
JACK
The kid. She’s got one of the tabloids. Move, move, move! Hey, folks. Reading the papers?
KIM
Yes.
JACK
Mind if I check something out?
KIM
When you borrowed my camera, you broke it.
JACK
Can’t really break a newspaper.
KIM
When I’m done. I’m looking for the celebrity gossip.
JACK
Yeah. You know what’s fun? The jumbles.
KIM
They’re pretty easy.
JACK
Well, they’re not like the challenge of celebrity gossip, but it passes the time. Would you tell your father we appreciate him flying in more than one direction? You know, it is my company’s plane.
KIM
He knows.
JACK
Any chance you’ll tell him again anyways?
KIM
No, he knows.
JACK
Great.
ZHANG (in Chinese)
What did he say?
JACK
Talk to her for the rest of the flight; I don’t want her dad to see anything about Jordan in the gossip columns.
TOM
What is there about Jordan in the gossip columns –
JACK
Just do it. We’re flying as fast as we can go?
KIM
Hi.
TOM
Hi, how are you?
KIM
I’m good, how are you?
[Backstage]
DYLAN
“Russian Interfax news agency has reported that researchers…”
MATT
Hey, they’re back.
DYLAN
Great.
MATT
Thanks.
CARD HOLDER
You got it.
MATT
You look good in that suit. I mean, I don’t really check out…
DYLAN
Yeah.
MATT
You should get in costume for dress.
DYLAN
Sure.
SAMANTHA
“’Annie Got Her Gun: The Annie McNichols Story.’”
MATT
Laugh all you want, Sam, but you’re their target demo.
[Set]
MATT
We’re going to start the dress late, right?
CAL
15 minutes late, a couple hours depending on traffic.
MATT
Okay.
CAL
It’s possible we’ll be doing the dress at 8:30 and then broadcasting it nationally.
MATT
You think if we start the dress late that word’s gonna get out?
CAL
Yes.
MATT
You think there’ll be press inquiries?
CAL
Yes?
MATT
We need a believable excuse.
CAL
We’re the Keystone Cops, and we feel lucky when people can find the building in the morning, much less dress rehearsal on time.
MATT
Well, I’d buy that.
CAL
Yeah.
[Matt’s office]
MATT
Hello.
LUCY
I was wondering if you’d look at a sketch.
MATT
You’re pitching me Friday at 5:15?
LUCY
It’s not for tonight, it’s just I was looking for some feedback.
MATT
Show it to Ricky and Ron.
LUCY
I’m finding it difficult to get their attention.
MATT
Hey –
LUCY
I SAID, I’M HAVING DIFFICULTY GETTING THEIR ATTENTION.
MATT
And you’re here for…
DARIUS
The learning experience.
LUCY
Yeah, so, it’s a parody of the board game Operation, you know the game, there’s a body, and the players remove the parts with tweezers without –
MATT
I know the game. Operation on Single Girl. A cardboard cutout of a girl with plastic parts to be removed with a surgeon’s precision. A group of single men sit around the game and laugh while taking turns with the tweezers. “Let’s take out her self-esteem, her dreams.” “Hey, what’s this?” “You got her soul.” “My turn, my turn, I want to get the vulnerable part.” It’s good so far. Can I ask, by any chance, did you just have a bad break-up with a boyfriend? [Lucy hugs Matt; Matt and Darius share the “now what do I do?” look] It’s okay, it’s all right, let out. [She starts hitting him.] Okay, ow ow ow, okay.
[Outside Studio 60]
JACK
All right, everybody out, let’s go. [Tom kisses the ground.] Get up.
DANNY
Get downstairs, go!
JACK
All right, sir, we’ve got another car waiting for you right over here –
KIM (in Chinese)
Dad!
ZHANG (in Chinese)
What's the matter?
JACK
When we talked about Jordan, that was me talking, too. Okay?
KIM (in Chinese)
You have to take a look at this.
DANNY
Yeah.
ZHANG (in Chinese)
Read it to me.
KIM (in Chinese)
There is really too much gossip recently about NBS' president, McDeere.
ZHANG (in Chinese)
Please wait a second.
KIM
He says, “Just a moment, please.”
KIM (in Chinese)
Last night when she came out of a club she was arrested by the police for being drunk while driving...
JACK
She’s got the gossip news on her BlackBerry. [Zhang talks to Jack.]
KIM [translating]
Drunken driving? Sex clubs and pornography? She objects to women having children?
JACK
Of course she doesn’t object to women having children –
ZHANG (in Chinese)
This person has brought shame to your company...
KIM [translating]
This woman has brought shame to your company. [as self] I’m sorry for my father, he’s very much set in old, and maybe clichéd ways of honor.
JACK
Is that right?
KIM
Yeah.
JACK
Okay. Why don’t you tell your father to take his business to TimeWarner.
KIM
You don’t really want me to tell him –
JACK
Tell him. My company doesn’t have honor. One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused. He could have been out of it easy if he played the “support our troops” card, but he wasn’t about to minimize the sacrifice of his brother and his brother’s buddies. Simon Styles has prior convictions, but the Budweiser Clydesdales could not stop him from trying to make it clear to the judge that this much marijuana was his. This guy… I don’t know what he was doing, except trying to convince me that Jordan McDeere’s been all over the gossip pages because when she was 25 she married a fraction of a man, and this man has been telling tales both true and false in the hopes of selling a book and working the talk shows. Sir, out of Jordan McDeere’s faults, and there are many, lack of honor isn’t one of them. She’s killing me with her honor. So I’m sorry, Mr. Zhang, you have insulted me, and you have insulted my company, and I think you should take your business to TimeWarner.
ZHANG (in Chinese)
Whom is he talking about?
KIM (in Chinese)
He is defending McDeere.
ZHANG (in Chinese)
Ah! I wasn't referring to McDeere. It's about her ex-husband - he has gone too far.
KIM
Ah, this is my fault, I translated wrong. He said that it’s the ex-husband who brought dishonor upon himself by speaking. It’s a subtle grammatical nuance.
JACK
Important one, though, wouldn’t you say?
DANNY
All right, well, I’m going to go inside, but Jack, I could kiss you all over the face right now. Nice meeting you.
JACK
Danny? I don’t have a seat on the board, and if you have any influence over her at all, now’s the time to use it. All right, let’s take you to the car.
[Dressing room]
SIMON
I heard you were good.
DYLAN
Oh man, you’re back.
SIMON
Yeah.
DYLAN
You’re a sight for sore eyes. Tom’s okay?
SIMON
Yeah. I heard you were good.
DYLAN
No.
SIMON
Yeah, you owned it.
DYLAN
No, I’m back in the Santa suit where I belong.
SIMON
I talked to Danny and just now to Matt. I feel bad because you’ve been working all day. Why don’t you share the desk with me and Harriet tonight?
DYLAN
No.
SIMON
You sure?
DYLAN
Yeah, it’s your chair.
SIMON
Well, thank you, sir.
DYLAN
All right, here we go. Here we go.
[Matt’s office]
LUCY
[speaks incomphrensibly to Matt]
MATT
I’m sorry, I can’t understand you.
DANNY
“I thought he was the one, I thought he was the one I was going to grow old with, but he just used me for sex.”
MATT
Welcome back.
DANNY
Lucy, put it in the writing, we need you down on the stage now.
MATT
Do not tell her to put it into the writing.
DANNY
Let’s go.
LUCY
Okay.
DANNY
See how I did that?
MATT
Well, I loosened the ketchup bottle a little, I was here for her.
DANNY
I’m going to go around the building and settle everyone down and take a deep breath. [Harriet enters.] YOU’RE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THIS.
HARRIET
I KNOW!
DANNY
OKAY! Okay, I’m going to go downstairs. Hey, there’s a diner in Pahrump, you’ve gotta eat there, you’ve never tasted food this good. They’ve got a judge, too, who knows what he’s doing.
MATT
I’ll see you after the dress. What?
HARRIET
A simple life and a job, and a living wage. It’s what most people want. And a safe place to raise kids. And the world is changing too fast for them. How about giving the rest of the world a little time to catch up?
MATT
I’d have said that to Martin Luther King. “Doc, why don’t you give us a minute to be white and racist before you go marching through Montgomery?”
HARRIET
Don’t compare being black to being gay.
MATT
What the – how’s the –
HARRIET
The difference is black people had lived openly as black people for 400 years before Civil Rights. For 400 years! Gay people have lived openly for about 30.
MATT
Tough!
HARRIET
Matt –
MATT
That doesn’t mean you say to a reporter –
HARRIET
I said, “The Bible says it’s a sin, but it also says judge not lest ye be judged.” I said, “I don’t know.” Three words that would make a nice addition to your vocabulary.
MATT
Harry, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about it when –
HARRIET
What would you have done?
MATT
That was supposed to have been me in jail! I’m the one who’s supposed to be protecting you from gay street toughs. That was supposed to be me.
HARRIET
God, Matthew, are you crazy about me or just crazy?
MATT
I don’t know.
HARRIET
Now he learns how to say it.
