(phone rings)
JORDAN
Hello?
DANNY
Hi, it’s Danny.
JORDAN
Hi.
DANNY
You didn’t come to the wrap party.
JORDAN
No I was kinda tired, I needed to pack.
DANNY
You going away?
JORDAN
To my parents house back east and then St. Lucia.
DANNY
…Okay.
JORDAN
It was a good show tonight.
DANNY
Okay, well, have a good trip and a nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.
JORDAN
Yeah, you too.
DANNY
Thanks.
(overlapping – phone rings)
JORDAN
Hello?
DANNY (in a movie theater)
Hi, it’s Danny Tripp.
JORDAN
Hi.
DANNY
Yeah. I just wanted to make sure you had something to do Christmas Eve, cause if you liked organ music and prayer, there’s a pretty good midnight mass in Pacific Palisades. (whispers to other moviegoers) Sorry.
JORDAN
I’m at my parents.
DANNY
Oh you’re not back yet.
JORDAN
No no, I’m with my family.
DANNY
You’re back next week?
JORDAN
I’ll be in the Virgin islands.
DANNY
Well maybe when you get back we can see a movie.
(overlapping)
JORDAN
Sorry. Hello?
DANNY
Hi. It’s Danny Tripp.
JORDAN
Did you change your phone number?
DANNY
Yeah, cause I figured you were caller IDing me by now.
JORDAN
Yeah.
DANNY
I got a new phone too. I could edit a feature length film with this phone.
JORDAN
Are you at the theater?
DANNY
No, I’m getting ready for a party.
JORDAN
Sounds like you’re at the theater.
DANNY
I’m on vacation, Jordan.
JORDAN
I can recognize the room tone.
MATT (offscreen)
I’m eating it!
JORDAN
And I just heard Matt shout I’m eating it.
DANNY
Yeah, Matt’s here, so I’m here.
JORDAN
Matt’s there, because with Harriet gone for two weeks, it’s like somebody’s moved his food dish.
You’re not supposed be as confused as Matt.
DANNY
So I was thinking that when you got back, I could take you to the Palm and buy you a steak with your choice of soup or salad.
JORDAN
I don’t think that’s a good idea Danny. I don’t like you at the theater alone during the holidays.
(Overlapping – phone rings)
JORDAN
(lets it ring)
(recorded message)”This is Jordan. Leave a message.”
DANNY
Hello? Hello? I don’t know if you can hear me or not cause the connections going in and out. I’m calling because you’ve had the new year for three hours already. I wanted to see if there was something I should be looking for. Jordan? Are you there?
CAL
Welcome back everyone, Happy New Year, your vacation is over. Cast and senior staff to the stage please.
DANNY
At least I’m back on television.
======== OPENING CREDITS===============
JORDAN
Hallie!
HALLIE
Good morning.
JORDAN
Sorry to keep you waiting. Please uh come on in.
HALLIE
Thank you.
JORDAN
Welcome to NBS.
HALLIE
Thanks.
JORDAN
You find your office okay?
HALLIE
Sure.
JORDAN
You find mine let me know. I moved into the first empty one I saw.
HALLIE
Jordan, can we be up front with each other?
JORDAN
Absolutely.
HALLIE
I know I wasn’t your first choice for the job.
JORDAN
It wasn’t that you weren’t my first choice, it was just that I didn’t want to create the job at all.
HALLIE
Head of alternative programming.
JORDAN
Yeah
HALLIE
You’re not a big fan of unscripted TV.
JORDAN
No.
HALLIE
Well I hope I can change that.
JORDAN
Dare to dream.
HALLIE
Have you asked yourself why?
JORDAN
I don’t like reality TV?
HALLIE
Yeah
JORDAN
Really?
HALLIE
Yeah
JORDAN
No.
HALLIE
I think you’ve only been exposed to the bad ones.
JORDAN
I guess so.
HALLIE
The Ed Sullivan show was reality TV.
JORDAN
Get me Elvis and the Beatles and I’ll watch.
HALLIE
Touche.
JORDAN
Gezundheit. Hey Kevin. Uh, this is Hally Galloway. My assistant Kevin Yu.
HALLIE
Hello.
KEVIN
I’m taking breakfast orders.
JORDAN
I’ve taken to dining in my office as my eating habits evoke giggles from my subordinates. What would you like? We’ve got a great dining room.
HALLIE
Just coffee.
JORDAN
Swiss Cheese and mushroom omelet. Very crispy bacon. Fried potatoes and tomato juice
KEVIN
Okay.
JORDAN
And pancakes
KEVIN
Sure.
HALLIE
What’s it like to be pregnant?
JORDAN
I don’t know how to succinctly answer that question.
HALLIE
You don’t like me, do you?
JORDAN
I met you a minute and ten seconds ago, I haven’t formed an opinion.
HALLIE
Am I your punishment for passing on Search and Destroy?
JORDAN
What makes you think I passed?
HALLIE
Did I hear wrong?
JORDAN
Every other network had a VP of illiterate programming-
HALLY
Alternative programming.
JORDAN
Yes and Jack wanted one too.- what’d I say?
HALLIE
Illiterate programming.
JORDAN
It’s like a Tourette’s thing. That was weird.
HALLIE
Yeah.
JORDAN
Jack’s fighting a big battle right now and I didn’t want to give him another.
KEVIN
Scuse me
JORDAN
Food, great.
HALLIE
He got your order wrong.
JORDAN
No, this is what I eat while I’m waiting for the food.
----(writers room)
MATT
You guys heard of a book called the 48 laws of power?
ANDY
No.
LUCY
No.
DARIUS
Yeah.
ANDY
What is it?
MATT
I don’t know, I’m reading about it. Sounds like it’s a pocket guide to being the leader of a crime organization Law number two, never put too much trust in friends. Learn how to use your enemies.
Law number three, conceal your intentions. Law number four, Always say less than necessary.
ANDY
You thinking you could-
MATT
I could never do that.
DARIUS
It’s big in the hip hop community.
MATT
Do they know it’s by a guy whose only achievement is writing a book?
SIMON (pulls DARIUS out of the room)
You guys pitching yet?
DARIUS
No, we’re still going through two weeks of back newspapers.
SIMON
I started riffing on this thing with some guys over Christmas. It’s not a big deal but a new fruit of the loom whose a rare African fruit who’s black and militant and can’t believe he’s a fruit for underwear. You could tell Matt you want to work on it with me.
DARIUS
Okay.
SIMON
You have a good holiday?
DARIUS
Yeah.
SIMON
Alright.
MATT
Things that you like, but behave like others. There’s a sketch in here somewhere, where a character takes this literally. Avoid stepping into a great man’s shoes. Law 37 create compelling spectacles. What else are we thinking so far?
DARIUS
Simon just told me about a character he was working on. A new militant fruit of the loom?
MATT
You want to work with him?
DARIUS
Do you like it?
LUCY
I’d like it if Simon likes it?
MATT
Alright, spend a little time with Simon and see what he’s talking about. Yeah?
SUZANNE
Can you sign these?
MATT
Law 21 play a sucker to catch a sucker. Seem dumber than your mark.
There are 48 sketches in here. Law 26, keep your hands clean, what is this for?
SUZANNE
A charity auction.
MATT
I know, but what for?
SUZANNE
Women United Through Faith.
MATT
Get these away from me.
SUZANNE
Everybody else signed it.
MATT
Cause those guys don’t ask what it’s for.
HARRIET
JUST SIGN THE DAMN THING! (MATT leaves the room) You were the one who told me to make up with Women United Through Faith.
MATT
Yeah, I’m not making up with them though and I’m not raising money for them.
HARRIET
They’re raising money for teen abstinance awareness, very dangerous stuff.
MATT
I’m completely behind teen abstinance. I’m just saying, as a former teen, it’s not gonna happen.
HARRIET
Fine.
MATT
Ever.
HARRIET
These scripts will just have to sell for exactly the same price without your name on them.
MATT
(mocking voice) Yeah they will.
Teen abstinence.
SUZANNE
She’s also auctioning herself on their website.
LUCY
I have my own involuntary abstinence program in place.
MATT
What’s she auctioning?
SUZANNE
She’s getting an award Thursday night from Catholics in Media.
MATT
She’s not Catholic.
SUZANNE
They like her anyway.
MATT
Swell. Law 34 is be royal in your fashion. So she’s auctioning off a chance to go to an awards dinner?
SUZANNE
As her date.
MATT
Okay. Law 42, strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter. Law 10, Avoid the unhappy and the unlucky – has anyone bid?
SUZANNE
It opened at $500.
MATT
Who bid $500?
SUZANNE
It doesn’t give their name, just their username. This guy is Lukes5858
MATT
Are you kidding?
SUZANNE
No.
MATT
Let me see that…. It’s not Lukes, it’s Luke S. Luke Scot and 58 was his first movie. An indie movie. LukeS5858. Bid 501 dollars.
SUZANNE
Really?
MATT
Yes.
SUZANNE
501?
MATT
I’m not giving these people any more money than fi- 501 dollars.
SUZANNE
Any choice of user name?
MATT
Make something up, where are we?
SUZANNE
BossSexy
MATT
Not BossSexy
SUZANNE
Ah Too late.
MATT
Alright. Where are we?
------------
TED
Excuse me.
WILSON
Hang on.
TED
No, Excuse me please.
WILSON
Jack was speaking.
TED
My good friend Jack Rudolph is not a member of the board of directors of this company. I am.
WILSON
Then I’m sure your parents are very proud Ted, but Jack’s speaking at my request.
TED
There are rules. It’s a federal agency. You’re not allowed to say what the kid said on TV. There’s been two weeks of press that makes the FCC look as bad as we look and it’s his job to make a deal with them. Either a greatly reduced fine or please someone tell me how the world comes to an end if we do what they want and time delay the news. Five seconds. You could just do the same broad- No excuse me!
JACK
No I don’t think I will Because the only reason to time delay the news is so you have the option of censoring the news. A federal agency in wartime censoring a live news story because of the language a soldier used when a rocket propelled grenade exploded over his head
TED
This discussion is for an ethics class at a womens college. The FCC has assessed your network, which we own, a fine of $325,000 per affiliate for a total of $73 million dollars, what are you going to do about it?
JACK
Not pay it.
TED
And when they say give us our money, you’re going to say?
JACK
No.
TED
And what about Macau?
WILSON
Macau?
TED
Yes.
WILSON
Well I won’t lie to you, Ted, Macau’s a problem.
TED
Yes, it is a big problem. Sarah Bernhardt over here starts fronting off with the FCC and they don’t approve the merger. It’s not like you need an endowed chair in economics to guess in which direction the stock price is gonna-
JACK
I’m not a Bedouin. I’ve made a lot of money, I’ve made a lot of it for you. You can’t- you simply can’t in this country, mess around with news coverage of a war. Ted, believe me, I wish this was a fight for ethics. I wish this was a conversation about the integrity of the news, but it’s not. It’s about preventing ourselves from being a laughing stock.
TED
Well, I don’t feel like a laughing stock.
JACK
That’s only because you’re a moron.
TED (silence, as he looks at WILSON)
You’re backing up what he said.
WILSON
Yes. Including and especially you’re being a moron.
TED
Okay, well then either of you won’t mind if we see how much support you have with the rest of the board. I move to take a vote of confidence. A yay vote indicating a desire to hear more of Jack Rudolph’s plan to defy federal regulators, and a nay vote indicating a desire to explore removing Wilson White as chairman and CEO and begin a negotioation with the FCC. Seconded?
SUIT
Seconded.
WILSON
Alright, there’s a motion and a second.
JACK
Wait Wilson…
WILSON
No let’s see where we are here. A yay vote indicates a likely trip to federal court. A nay vote indicates I’m probably fired. All those voting yay? … All those voting nay. …. Yes. Well this would seem to me, a good time for a break.
=======================
JACK
Sorry for calling Atkins a moron.
WILSON
Yeah.
JACK
I appreciate your jumping in and calling him a moron too.
WILSON
I didn’t want to leave you alone out there.
JACK
I’ll try not to do it again.
WILSON
Thanks. …The Arts and Leisure section.
JACK
Huh?
WILSON
Somebody left behind the Arts and Leisure section.
JACK
Yeah. …What are you thinking?
WILSON
It’s unusual to see the Arts and Leisure section in the boardroom.
JACK
…I agree, though we should move on from that.
WILSON
Sure.
JACK
Alright so what do we do now?
WILSON
What do you mean?
JACK
I mean what’s the plan?
WILSON
I don’t have one.
JACK
You stood at Studio 60 and you said we were gonna fight these guys and we were gonna win.
WILSON
I’m an old man. I don’t know what I’m saying half the time.
JACK
Wilson…
WILSON
I’m kidding Relax.
JACK
So what’s the plan?
WILSON
I don’t have one…. (JACK is angry) At this moment!
JACK
Alright. I can’t believe I saw thirteen hands go up.
WILSON
It was about Macau. I think I’m hoisted by my own petard. I made too good a deal. Everybody stands to make too much money from Macau to see it go away. There has to be a Greek word for this…
JACK
Zhang can rescue us. Zhang Tao can rescue us.
WILSON
How?
JACK
By not making the Macau deal with us. He tells the board he’ll go to Time Warner instead if they pay the FCC fine.
WILSON
Why would he do that?
JACK
You’d have to be convincing.
WILSON
You want to fly to China.
JACK
He’s not in China. He’s in LA.
WILSON
How do you know?
JACK
The Juilliard symphony is playing tonight at UCLA.
WILSON
How do you know?
JACK
I’m looking at an article about it in the Arts and Leisure section. You can adjourn a meeting whenever you want, right?
WILSON
Yeah.
JACK
Do it now. Reconvene Friday in Los Angeles. I have to fly back there right now. (is on his way out the door, pats some guy on the back) What’dya say buddy?
===========
LUCY
Simon!
SIMON
Yeah?
LUCY
It’s Lucy.
SIMON
Hi.
LUCY
Hellooo.
SIMON
How was your break?
LUCY
Lovely. Yours?
SIMON
I was in Mexico, I’m still hungover.
LUCY
Tequila…
SIMON
Not right now, thanks.
LUCY
…Kay. I was asked to work with on an angry African Fruit of the Loom. I have some ideas we can talk about.
SIMON
What happened to Darius?
LUCY
Uh he gave it to me.
SIMON
Alright then have a seat.
HARRIET
I don’t want to.
TOM
Just show it to him.
HARRIET
It’s just a voice.
TOM
Let him hear it.
HARRIET
I don’t want to.
TOM
Just do it for him.
HARRIET
Matt’s being an idiot today.
MATT
Guys, I can hear you pretty good.
TOM
Just let him hear the voice. Matt, listen to this.
MATT
What?
HARRIET
It’s nothing.
TOM
Do it. Dolphin girl.
HARRIET
(DOLPHIN)
MATT
Oh my god
TOM
Yeah. Now watch this. Be my roommate. Bob, you’re really gonna like this girl. She’s pretty, she’s smart, just one thing. Sometimes she gets a little nervous, her laugh is unusual.
MATT
Unusual?
TOM
Leona, come in here, this is my roommate Bob. Bob, this is Leona.
MATT
Nice to meet you.
HARRIET
Nice to meet you Bob.
MATT
Leona’s a nice name.
HARRIET
(Dolphin girl voice)
MATT
Put it up.
TOM
You see?
MATT
Hey, did you see Luke much over the holidays? Luke Scott? Luke S.?
HARRIET
Just for hair and makeup tests, and to do him a couple times in his hottub.
MATT
Twice, that’s a pretty serious relationship for Luke.
HARRIET
Look who’s talking. And Luke has more romanticness in his whole body than you’ve got in your little finger.
MATT
You got it backwards, Kitten, and romantic-ness isn’t a word.
HARRIET
Hmmm I truly loathe you.
MATT
Ehhhh. (she leaves) Tom?
TOM
Yeah.
MATT
You know you’re still here right?
TOM
Yeah I just wanted to get your blessing on something. I was going to ask out Lucy.
MATT
What do you need my blessing for?
TOM
Wes wasn’t wild about intramural dating the last couple of years.
MATT
Why?
TOM
There were some incidents.
MATT
Okay.
TOM
Not with me.
MATT
I’m sure. I’m also sure that you’ll keep in mind that sh’es a lovely young woman, who’s a guest in our country, nd who also just got lclonked by a guy who for reasons passing understanding, she was in love with. So you should proceed with character and maturity.
TOM
Sure.
MATT
Suzanne!
TOM
Yeah.
MATT
Where’s the bid?
TOM
You bidding on something?
MATT
Just for spite.
TOM
I’ll see you later.
MATT
Alright.
SUZANNE
She’s got a lot of people bidding. HarrietRules, Save2000, PsalmSam…
MATT
LukeS5858, is he still bidding?
SUZANNE
He’s the last bid. Twelve hundred dollars.
MATT
Twleve hundred dollars I gotta give to abstinence people?
SUZANNE
Twelve hundred and one?
MATT
Alright, do it, and can you find me some nonprofit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do So I can donate an equal amount to them and make it a wash?
SUZANNE
That means an organization that encourages people to have sex.
MATT
It’s LA, you should be able to throw a rock and hit one. (gestures for her to leave. She does)
==========
HALLIE
Scuse me…
JORDAN
Hey, are you having a problem with your phones?
HALLIE
No…
JORDAN
My phones only work when they’re on speaker.
HALLIE
You look hassled. Should I come back?
JORDAN
No it’s okay. We have scrap Dracula for May.
HALLIE
Scrap it?
JORDAN
Yeah it’s over.
HALLIE
What happened?
JORDAN
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Kevin! What do you need?
HALLIE
I think we got off on the wrong foot. I brought you some Folic Acid supplements. You want to take 400 micrograms a day.
JORDAN
You’re kidding.
HALLIE
No.
JORDAN
Well thanks, this is great.
HALLIE
I’m a huge admirer of yours Jordan.
JORDAN
Well…
HALLIE
It’s how you keep everyone in suspended terror. You cultivate an air of unpredictability.
JORDAN
I really don’t keep people in suspended terror. I’d like to, but-
HALLIE
You do.
JORDAN
I don’t cultivate an air of unpredictability either ,but I like the way that sounds.
HALLIE
You want to hear a reality pitch?
JORDAN
(exhales)…Uh why not.
HALLIE
All you need is love.
JORDAN
I’ve got goosebumps.
HALLIE
You gave me the idea when you mentioned the beatles. It’s about healing. We show people making apologies in their lives. A defrocked priest meets with his victims. A man who abandoned his family. Twin sisters who split over a divorce. These are just the first three I like and America’s gonna like them too. You hate it.
JORDAN
I love it.
HALLIE
Really?
JORDAN
No, I was being unpredictable to keep you in a state of suspended terror.
KEVIN
Jack.
JORDAN
(hits the button on the phone.)
How’d it go?
JACK
Uh Little rough.
JORDAN
Alright don’t say too much, you’re on speakerphone.
JACK
Can you take me off?
JORDAN
I can’t.
JACK
Why?
JORDAN
I don’t know. Listen, this is the last piece of news I wanted to bring you this week.
JACK
What?
JORDAN
Production in Romania had to shut down.
JACK
Dracula? Dracula had to shut down?
JORDAN
Yeah.
JACK
For how long?
JORDAN
For good, it’s over.
JACK
What the hell happened?
JORDAN
The production company ran out of money the crew took the cameras and equiptment. The cast went home and the producer moved his family onto the location, a fifteenth century castle where litereally he pulled up the drawbridge.
HALLIE
(laughs) Sorry
JORDAN
Hallie Galloway is here
JACK
Hallie, we just talked ten minutes ago, why didn’t you tell me?
HALLIE
Well I didn’t know-
JORDAN
She didn’t know, just like I didn’t know you talked ten minutes ago.
JACK
I was welcoming her to the company. What are we gonna do about May?
JORDAN
I don’t know yet.
JACK
That’s not the answer I wanted to hear.
JORDAN
Yeah
JACK
That was our May sweeps.
JORDAN
I know.
JACK
How the hell’d you let that get away from you?
JORDAN
It was a very competent production company.
JACK
No they they they shut down production. What would it look like if they’d been incompetent. I got the board of di-… oy… alright, what are we gonna fill with?
JORDAN
This is an hour old, I don’t know.
JACK
Hallie, you still there?
HALLIE
Would you like me to step out?
JACK
No, what about your thing?
HALLIE
When he called, he asked if I-
JORDAN
Sure
JACK
Hello? Hallie? Hello Hello?
JORDAN
I’m sorry?
JACK
What about the show Hallie was just telling me about. Sounds like an event.
JORDAN
Well I don’t know very much about it yet Jack.
JACK
Well, learn about it, would you? The last few times Hallie said she had a good idea, It was a good idea.
HALLIE
It was innocent, Jordan.
JORDAN
Yeah?
HALLIE
He said, I told you, he said, you working on any ideas?
JORDAN
Hallie.
HALLIE
He was just calling to welcome me-
JORDAN
Your answer should’ve been yes, yes I’m working on some ideas and I’m very excited to pitch them to Jordan.
HALLIE
Well you write me a script next time.
JORDAN
Excuse me?
HALLIE
I said, you write me a script next time.
JORDAN
I made it pretty clear how I felt about this show.
HALLIE
No, you made it very clear how you felt about alternative programming. Excuse me, illiterate programming. Unfortunately, I am the vice president for alternative programming, so what kind of pitches did you think you were gonna get from me?
JORDAN
Pretty bad ones.
HALLIE
Well you’re in a fix cause Jack liked it. Uh oh. There’s another pretty girl at the dance and this one’s not pregnant.
JORDAN
Have a written proposal of cost breakdowns by the end of the day.
HALLIE
Great. Would you like me-
JORDAN
Why don’t you get out of my office now?
============
HARRIET
She said that? There’s another pretty girl at the dance and this one’s not pregnant?
JORDAN
Yeah. It was one of those moments when you don’t have time to react. One
one minute she was telling me how much she admired me? Next minute she was challenging me to a duel.
HARRIET
This chick is ‘All About Eve.’
JORDAN
Yes, yes she is. If Eve Harrington was a network executive and Bette Davis ate all the time.
HARRIET
It was unprovoked?
JORDAN
Yes.. Yes except…
HARRIET
What?
JORDAN
I may have implied…. I mean she took it the wrong way, I may have implied that I don’t have any respect for her job.
HARRIET
How?
JORDAN
I called her the vice president for Illiterate programming.
HARRIET
You think she may have taken it the wrong way.
JORDAN
And when she asked me what kind of pitches I should expect from her, I said pretty bad ones.
HARRIET
Why would you do that?
JORDAN
Cause I’m a bitch.
HARRIET
You’re not a bitch.
JORDAN
Oh I’m a Bee-yotch baby. And she gave me supplements, and the truth is, if we make her show into an event, it could really bail us out of the Dracula thing.
HARRIET
What happened with Dracula?
JORDAN
Oh the Romanian crew made off with the cameras and the equiptment because the production company couldn’t afford to pay them because the Bani was devalued.
HARRIET
What’s a Bani?
JORDAN
One one hundredth of a Leu. It’s Romanian currency, it doesn’t matter. I have to apologize. I’m her boss, this is ridiculous.
HARRIET
Are you gonna finish…
JORDAN
YES!
--------
DANNY
Finally, a budget note: NBS would like us to use liter bottles of soda in the kitchen instead of individual cans. This will provide an annual savings of- I’m sorry. (crumples it up) That was too stupid to read out loud. That’s it. Thank you…
MATT
Jungles. (WHAT does he call him?!)
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
My nephew called this morning and against my advice, he’s applying to Northwestern.
DANNY
Wise young man.
MATT
I wanted to get someone who was a distinguished alumnus to write him a recommendation. I don’t know any so I’m asking you.
DANNY
Does he qualify?
MATT
He’s carrying a 3.8 at Boston Latin, he’s a merit scholar, came in second for a Westinghouse scholarship and runs marathons. What did you have?
DANNY
I was president of the AV club.
MATT
Wow.
DANNY
And played sax in the marching band.
MATT
I think you need a letter of recommendation.
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
You’ll do it?
DANNY
Well I’ll have one of the interns do it for me, but sure.
MATT
Thanks.
DANNY
Wait.
MATT
Whoa… what?
DANNY
I DO NEED A LETTER of reccommendation! MANY letters of recommendation. I should INUNDATE HER with letters of recommendation.
MATT
What are you talking about?
DANNY
Jordan, I should fax letters of recommendation from everybody. Spielberg, Clint Eastwood, Steve Jobs, Sumner Redstone, my doctor, my dentist, my accountant, my mother!
MATT
Your dentist?
DANNY
Wilson White!
MATT
Your mother?
DANNY
The governor! The interns! So she knows I’m very good among the people.
MATT
You are very good among the people.
DANNY
Could you send a couple of interns to my office? …who the hell knows their names, anybody. (hangs up) This is good.
MATT
I like it for it’s maturity.
DANNY
You’re gonna lecture me on maturity, Leather Boot Boy?
MATT
I gave the boot back.
DANNY
Okay.
MATT
I’m 24 hour maturity.
SUZANNE
Hey.
MATT
Where’s the bid at?!
SUZANNE
The last time I checked it was twenty five hundred.
MATT
Twenty five hundred and one. Find any organizations?
SUZANNE
Loving More – a nonprofit organization to promote the national polyamorous movement?
MATT
There’s our winner. Twenty five hundred and two.
LUCY
And the apple says, “I’m not a man, I’m an apple.” And the magongo fruit says “THE Man. The MAN! As in The Man took away my Medicaid, you stupid prat!”
SIMON
What the hell is a prat?
LUCY
A git. A plonker.
SIMON
Scuse me a minute, would you?
DYLAN
The husky gymnast. My whole routine is chalking up and trying to get on the bars.
ANDY
Could be a running character.
DYLAN
Husky gymnast on balance beam, husky gymnast on pommel horse.
ANDY
Husky gymnast does a routine with a stick and ribbon.
SIMON
(laughs at this idea and not at the others since this idea seems to be so much more different and much funnier than the others)
ANDY
What else you got?
DYLAN
Um… trampoline?
ANDY
You do trampoline?
DYLAN
Lil bit.
SIMON
I gave it to you, that Fruit of the Loom thing?
DARIUS
Yeah I told Matt and Andy. Isn’t Lucy working with you?
SIMON
Yeah she is, and Mary Poppins is a perfect fit for this sketch, but I gave it to you.
DARIUS
Oh I just thought you wanted the idea in the room, I didn’t know you wanted specifically
SIMON
You did know I wanted you specifically, and you blew it off to Lucy cause you don’t want to be the black guy.
DARIUS
Simon.
SIMON
You’re trading up.
DARIUS
That’s not true.
SIMON
I’m not good enough to write for?
DARIUS
Come on.
SIMON
Get your head out of your ass.
DARIUS
Yes sir.
SIMON
Damn thanks I get for saving you.
DARIUS
Scuse me?!
SIMON
I said, this is the damn thanks I get for saving you.
DARIUS
You saved me.
SIMON
You were two hits in the head away from being nothing, okay?
DARIUS
Is that right?
SIMON
That’s right.
DARIUS
Well, lawdy, master Simon, you sho’ is good to us field n*****s, ain’t you?
SIMON
You should walk away now.
--------
TOM
Hi.
LUCY
Hello Tom.
TOM
Did you have a good break?
LUCY
Yes thank you.
TOM
Good. ………..Good.. What are you doing?
LUCY
I’m waiting for Simon to come back. The men who work here have a very difficult time on focusing on one subject at the moment. They’re easily distracted by shiny objects.
TOM
Would you like to go out on a date with me sometime?
LUCY
Pardon?
TOM
I asked if you’d like to go out on a date with me sometime.
LUCY
Really?
TOM
Yeah.
LUCY
Really.
TOM
Yeah.
LUCY
Really.
TOM
Yeah.
LUCY
I’d love to.
TOM
Thursday night?
LUCY
Sure.
TOM
Then my work here is done.
LUCY
(laughs)
====
JACK
Dweeee…. Dweeee dweeee. …..Neehoww. Neehow Wooshhheeee hoooww. …. Wasshhheeeeeee. Wasshheeee…. Wooffanggg Kannyeee wooofanng…. Yee wooofang….
(I’m so sorry, I don’t know what the hell he’s saying…) Neeeee howww? Nee how. Neehow.
(ZHANG and his wife speak.)
JACK
Uhh… wooooh sheee Jack Rudolph.
WOMAN
Pleased to meet you.
JACK
You speak English.
WOMAN
(translates)
He asked if you enjoyed the concert.
JACK
Well, I wasn’t here for the concert sir. I apologize for ruining your evening after you flew all the way from Macau to see your daughter.
WOMAN
(translates)
Yes of course, you seem troubled, my new friend.
JACK
Shortly before the new year, our new year, my news division carried a live interview with a young soldier fighting our war in Afghanistan. During the interview, something called a rocket prpopelled grenade exploded very close to where the interview was taking place. Am I speaking too fast?
WOMAN
(she continues to translate)
JACK
Um….The soldier was frightened and shouted an obscenety which is not a word you’re allowed to use on broadcast television. The FCC wants to fine us. Wilson White and I feel strongly, very strongly, this is wrong.
WOMAN
(translates)
This soldier was in the field?
JACK
Yes
WOMAN
(translates)
I was in the army.
JACK
I know sir. Wilson and I want to fight this, and we need the support of our board of directors. Our board is
Our deal in Macau and so I’m asking you a favor. Yee dwee eeee. Yee dwee eee shookwaa.
(sorry again)
WOMAN
(she nods)
ZHANG
Man to man.
JACK
Man to man. Yes. Sir. I need you to dump us.
-----
JORDAN
You’re working that thing pretty good.
HALLY
I’m sorry?
JORDAN
You’re doing pretty good.
HALLY
I do it with weights.
JORDAN
You should just wear a heavier shirt. …I did it again. I’m sorry Ally. I was awful before, it was inexcusable. I don’t know what got into me. I’m the leader of a company and all you ever did to me was come work here. What you said to me at the end, I provoked. Sales loved your show. So does marketing. Let’s take it to the next step. All in, you had a good first day.
-----
(KIM’S MOM translates)
If I say I’m gonna do something, I’m honorbound to do it.
JACK
It’s your sense of honor that I’m counting on right now.
KIM
Mom! Mom!
(they all speak back and forth excitedly)
JACK
Hello Kim
KIM
Hello Mr. Rudolph.
JACK
Problem?
KIM
My father’s angry because I’m giving up the viola. (more fighting) (translates) He says I’m not giving up the viola. Would you tell him I just turned twenty years old and in this country, that means I get to make my own decisions…
JACK
(opens translation book slowly)…Okay.
KIM’s MOM?
(more fighting)
I told him this wasn’t the time to talk about this.
KIM
(more fighting)
Yes improvisational comedy. (fightfight) I’m leaving Julliard, I’m giving up the viola, and I’m gonna study improvisational comedy. (fightfight) He says can you talk some sense into her.
JACK
You know your father and I were just discussing.
KIM
(fight) (reluctantly translates)
She wants to do comedy in America. Do you think it would be possible to meet with Tom Jeter so he can give me some advice on how to get started? That was me saying that.
ZHANG
(fightfight fight) Tom Jeter.
KIM
Always talking about Tom Jeter, American music, American television stars…
Abusing my daughter. No you’re not! (something, I don’t know what)
JACK
You want to meet with Tom Jeter, Kim? Have him tell you about life in comedy?
KIM
I would be indebted to you.
JACK
So if you… I need your father to be indebted to me… this is going to work out fine for all of us… How long are you and your family in town?
KIM
Until the end of the week.
JACK
You feel like going with Tom to a dinner honoring Harriet Hayes?
KIM
Are you kidding me?
JACK
Translate please? I’m going to say goodnight now sir. I hope you’ll think about my problems. But while you do, I’m going to fix yours. You’ll have your daughter back.
(translate)
(Zhang speaks back)
JACK
Man to man.
============
MATT
Can you pack me up? I want to work at home for a while.
SUZANNE
Sure, and Harriet’s coming up.
MATT
When she gets here, keep her waiting a few minutes. I don’t like her thinking I’m so accessible.
HARRIET
Matt.
MATT
Yeah?
HARRIET
I came in one of the other six doors.
MATT
Fine. A Columbia University study tracking the sex lives of twelve thousand adolescents between 12 and 18 years old over a five year period found unsafe sex much greater among those who had signed abstinence pledges, cause while they were being taught to say just say no, nobody taught them about sexual transmitted diseases and how incredibly easily they could’ve been Prevented.
HARRIET
I’m sorry. I nodded off while you were talking. You coming to see me get this thing Thursday night?
MATT
What thing?
HARRIET
I’m being honored at a dinner by Catholics in Media.
MATT
I didn’t know about it.
HARRIET
You wanna come?
MATT
It’s Thursday night I’m gonna have to work.
HARRIET
Okay. I saw your first draft of Dolphin Girl. It’s gonna be great.
MATT
I’m really quite something.
HARRIET
Yeah.
MATT
Harry?
HARRIET
Yes.
MATT
Do me a favor, huh? Next year, if you’re gonna go to a New years Eve party with Luke, could you pick one where you guys aren’t gonna run into like every person I know?
HARRIET
You grabbed me during a show, the Christmas show and kissed me and then it was like it never happennd. Guess what, Cubby. Pick a gear and stay in it a while.
MATT
Anything else?
HARRIET
No.
MATT
Thursday night.
HARRIET
Yeah.
MATT
Wish I could be there.
HARRIET
So do the Catholics.
MATT
Suzanne?
SUZANNE
Yeah?
MATT
How did? Nevermind. Where’s the bid?
SUZANNE
You’re not gonna like it.
MATT
How much?
SUZANNE
Four thousand dollars.
MATT
Are you- Is this dinner with Harriet and Ava Gardner?
SUZANNE
Four thousand and one?
MATT
Yeah.
SUZANNE
Four thousand and two to the sex people.
MATT
Yeah and could you call my parents and see if I can have my allowance again? Sim!
SIMON
Yeah?
MATT
You wanna get a beer?
SIMON
No, I’m downstairs working on Fruit of the Loom.
MATT
Hey, are you and Darius having a problem?
SIMON
Not as soon as I’m done with him we’re not.
MATT
I don’t know what that means.
SIMON
You don’t have to.
MATT
Okay, I’m out of here!
LUCY
Ooh! Uh, I was possible if it was possible to have some time off on Thursday night. Uhh Tom’s asked me out on a date. And I was just…. Wanted a moment to shower and change into nice clothes… And then the date. I could come back here right after. He appears to be a gentleman.
MATT
He is.
LUCY
And very cute.
MATT
I really can’t speak to that.
LUCY
Can I have time Thursday night?
MATT
Yes.
TOM
Matt! …Hi Luce.
LUCY
Hi.
TOM
I was just coming to ask Matt for Thursday night.
LUCY
Oh well, I was just here to go over to correct my spelling, my grammar, to go over a….
Sketch. I was asking for the night too. Thank you.
MATT
I guess you asked her out.
TOM
Yeah.
MATT
Well good. I’ve never seen her smile before, that was nice. Thursday night.
TOM
Yeah.
SUZANNE
Scuse me, Tom, Jack Rudolph’s office just called. He’s in a car on his way here and
you’re not to leave the buildilng until he’s talked to you.
MATT
To him?
SUZANNE
Yeah
TOM
To me?
SUZANNE
Yeah.
MATT
Why would Jack Rudolph need to talk to him?
SUZANNE
I don’t know, let me go see if I got this wrong.
MATT
Can I go?
SUZANNE
All set.
MATT
Good night? ….What do you say, Boss?
JORDAN
Hello.
MATT
Did you get my fax recommendation for Danny?
JORDAN
Yes I did, Matt, along with 38 others, including Martin Scorsese, Lauren Bacall and Lord Dickenson, the third Earl of Kent.
MATT
But did you think mine was the best?
JORDAN
Is he in his office?
MATT
Yeah. Did you hear about this book The 48 Laws of Power?
JORDAN
No.
MATT
It’s a guide to accumulating power for people who’ve never heard of Machiavelli.
JORDAN
I need to speak to Danny.
MATT
Law 14, pose as a friend, work as a spy. Law 42, strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter. Listen to this one. Law 17, keep others in suspended terror, cultivate an air of unpredictability.
JORDAN
What?
MATT
Huh?
JORDAN
What did you just say, the last one?
MATT
Law 17, keep others in suspended terror, cultivate an air of unpredictability. It’s the bible of gangster wannabees and psychopaths. You alright?
JORDAN
Yeah.
MATT
Do me a favor, read my recommendation again, cause every word is true.
JORDAN
Yeah.
DANNY
Hi.
JORDAN
Hi Danny.
DANNY
What are you doing here?
JORDAN
I… I… came to see you.
DANNY
You’re probably wondering how I know the third Earl of Kent, it’s a funny-
JORDAN
You have to stop. This was embarrassing to me Danny. Everyone you did this with now knows that…
This was unprofessional. You made me look silly at the worst possible time.
DANNY
Jordan…
JORDAN
The worst possible time. Between us, we have three marriages, a DUI, cocaine addiction, and a baby by a nother man. And I’m your boss. You asked me out once, I said no, you asked me again, I said no, you asked me out again, I said no.
DANNY
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.
JORDAN
Will you please stop?
DANNY
No.
