1x10
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x10: B-12
Written by: Eli Attie & Aaron Sorkin
Directed by: Bryan Gordon
Original Airing: November 27, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
RECAP:
MAIN TITLES:
STUDIO 60
ON THE SUNSET STRIP
DANNY (VO)
Previously on Studio 60 -
RICKY
...and he's not the only one I'm taking with me.
MATT
Who else?
RICKY
Everybody.
MATT
Yeah?
RICKY
You get Lucy and the new guy.
MATT
Darius.
RICKY
Yeah.
CUT TO:
DANNY
Listen to me. You're very winning. Not to me, but to everyone else. Go ahead and control your own press.
CUT TO:
JACK
Danny.
DANNY
Yeah?
JACK
I wouldn't get too many eggs in Jordan's basket. I don't think she's gonna make through this any more.
CUT TO:
MATT
We'll staff back up.
DANNY
Till we do, it's gonna be you and two freshman writers.
MATT
That's two writers more than I had before. It's gonna be fine.
END OF RECAP
* * *
TEASER:
TITLE:
B-12
HERB (OFF)
With musical guest - Corinne Bailey Rae. Ladies and gentlemen - Howie Mandel!
HOWIE
Thank you, thanks a lot, thank you very much! Please, settle down. Thank you, thank you very much! It's great to be here, hosting "Studio 60". Now you may know I've been hosting my own show - "Deal or No Deal". Thanks! Great show, great job, but I'm looking forward to leaving that behind for a night and getting back to my roots - live comedy. The producers said I can do anything I want in the monologue, so I thought I'd do a little of my...
DANNY (OFF)
Howie!
HOWIE
Yeah?
(to the audience)
This is, uh, Daniel Tripp, the executive producer.
DANNY
Howie, so far the monologue is going well, you've been greeted warmly by the audience, you've hit your camera mark, you've dropped in a plug for your show.
HOWIE
I see what we're doing - it's a parody of my show.
DANNY
You can take your chances by continuing the monologue and choosing your next joke from one of the two briefcases, or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch.
HOWIE
Yeah, you know, I was hoping to do something different tonight, and...
DANNY
Uh, call from the banker.
(into his cell phone)
Mhm, mhm, mhm...
HOWIE
Listen...
DANNY
Mhm...
HOWIE
Okay!
DANNY
(still into the phone)
Mh, yeah, uhuh, right...
HOWIE
I don't stay on the phone that long.
INTERCUT TO:
DANNY (OFF)
Uh, uh...
HOWIE (ON MONITORS)
All right! You're not even talking to a banker! That's your announcer, Herb Sheldon.
DANNY (ON MONITORS)
Mhm, mhm, right...
INTERCUT TO:
SIMON
You all right?
JEANNIE
Yeah!
SIMON
You dizzy?
JEANNIE
No more than usual.
SIMON
Hm...
JEANNIE
I'm fine! Let's play ball!
NURSE
You're sweating.
SIMON
I was hot during the opening
NURSE
Come here.
SIMON
I'm alright! There a reporter here doing a story for Vanity Fair. She's allowed backstage.
NURSE
Yeah. One-o-one point seven - loosen your pants.
SIMON
Awh!
INTERCUT TO:
HOWIE
Fine, okay, I'll take briefcase number one.
DANNY
Open the case.
HOWIE
Corinne Bailey Rae is here.
INTERCUT TO:
HOWIE
Stick around, we'll be right back.
NOT CAL
Go music!
INTERCUT TO:
DIRECTOR (OFF)
We're out!
DANNY
Ah!
MARTHA
I'm here.
DANNY
No, let me explain something. The green room’s where second cousins go, agents, and the girls with the band. VIPs go in the NBS box. And when Hanks and Springsteen come by, they can watch the show in Matt's office, or down on the floor with me. Reporters who write dumb stories about friends of mine, watch the show at the in-and-out burger down the street. And that is you, sister!
MARTHA
What a bummer for you - I've got a press pass.
DANNY
What the hell is the matter with you?
MARTHA
You don't like my column on Tuesday, it's okay to say so.
DANNY
I didn't like your column on Tuesday.
ASSISTANT
Two minutes.
DANNY
Thanks.
MARTHA
I was gonna watch the show with the writers tonight. Where are they?
DANNY
The in-and-out burger down the street.
MARTHA
What do you mean?
DANNY
Ricky and Ron left the show to do Peripheral Vision Man at FOX, and they took most of the staff with them.
MARTHA
Stuff happened when I was gone!
DANNY
Stuff happened.
CUT TO:
TITLE:
Monday
MATT (OFF)
Hey!
DANNY
You’re pretty wet!
MATT
Is that right!
DANNY
Did you have a hard time getting here?
MATT
The San Gabriel mountains have fallen into Beverly Hills.
DANNY
And the prayers of a grateful nation are answered.
MATT
I didn't dream it, right? The writing staff quit on Friday?
DANNY
Most of them, yeah.
MATT
Okay.
DANNY
And Maisie, too.
MATT
Really?
DANNY
It was a loyalty thing. We'll find you someone else.
MATT
Anything funny happen over the weekend?
DANNY
A guy in a Chicago suburb walked into a T-Mobile store and demanded at gun point that a clerk add five hundred minutes to his account.
MATT
Wouldn't it have been pretty easy for the police to track him down?
DANNY
They were at his house when he got home.
MATT
I'll be in my office.
DANNY
Uh, Martha O'Dell comes back at the end of the week and the health office says there is a virus running around.
CUT TO:
MARTHA
Is it gonna be a good show tonight?
DANNY
Yes!
MARTHA
Then why don't I just sit here next to you, keep you company, and laugh alone with America.
DANNY
I don't have a place for you to sit tonight.
ASSISTANT
Here you go, Miss O'Dell.
MARTHA
Thanks, Billy.
DANNY
Thanks, Billy.
DIRECTOR (OFF)
Fifteen.
ASSISTANT (OFF)
Back fifteen.
SUZANNE
Danny.
DANNY
You look good in your new clothes!
MARTHA
What happened?
DANNY
Real life.
DIRECTOR (ON MONITOR)
In three, two...
MAIN TITLES:
STUDIO 60
ON THE SUNSET STRIP
created by
AARON SORKIN
END OF TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE:
TOM (AS AN ITALIAN PRINCE)
Ladies, there are four of you, but I have but three roses. As you know, I am an Italian prince, though this is my first time in Italy, having spent my youth in Union, New Jersey.
INTERCUT TO:
NOT CAL (OFF)
Stand by, stand by camera two...
TOM
I speak menu Italian, ...
NOT CAL (OFF)
And go!
TOM
Which is to say - English. But the trappings of royalty have not brought me true love, and so I seek it here - in prime time. Shane, we share so many interests - early Roman fresco and professional hockey.
HARRIET (AS SHANE)
Go Devils!
TOM
Go Devils! But Shane, here in my ancestral home, you already did me under the pergola by the basilica, and so it's time to move on.
HARRIET
I understand, your Highness.
TOM
Antelopia, I find myself strangely attracted to you.
INTERCUT TO:
ASSISSTANT
Here, here, keep it over here.
TOM (OFF)
When you spoke of your Rick Springfield record collection, I knew I had found...
SIMON
Listen, it's on the news. The guy killed his family, and then himself.
HARRIET
No!
SMON
Yeah, he did it in the wrong order.
HARRIET
Yeahh!
SIMON
So they're cutting the hostage sketch and they'll let us know by the end of the first half hour what they’re filling with.
HARRIET
Then this is a good week for there not to be a writing staff.
SIMON
Yeah.
CUT TO:
MATT
You guys are pretty far away.
(after a moment of silence)
Anybody want to go around the room?
(after more silence)
Relax, okay, we're gonna be fine. I've a lot of faith in the two of you.
LUCY
Thank you.
DARIUS
Thanks.
MATT
I'm sorry?
LUCY
Pardon?
MATT
I didn't - hear you.
LUCY
I said, "thank you."
DARIUS
Me too.
MATT
You're welcome.
DARIUS
I'm sorry?
MATT
You're welcome.
(after still more silence)
Danny told me about a story in Saturday's paper. A guy walked into a T-Mobile store with a gun and demanded they give them an additional five hundered minutes. Of course he was pretty easy to trace, cause they had a cell phone account. You guys want to take a whack at writing a sketch about an incredibly bad criminal?
LUCY
Sure.
DARIUS
Sure.
MATT
I'm sorry?
DARIUS
Sure.
LUCY
Sure.
MATT
Right, great! I'm right upstairs when you need me. We're gonna be great!
INTERCUT TO:
DANNY
How's it going?
MATT
Good, good, good, good, good.
DANNY
Yeah?
MATT
Absolutely.
DANNY
Good.
MATT
No.
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
We need a little help.
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
Remember Andy Mackinaw?
DANNY
Yeah - no - yeah, he was a - very serious guy.
MATT
I thought he was talented.
DANNY
Ricky and Ron let him go?
MATT
Even more prove.
DANNY
Is he funny?
MATT
I think so.
DANNY
Cause I remember him being very serious.
MATT
Serious about comedy!
DANNY
What's he doing now?
MATT
Well, he just did an experimental thing at a little theater in Pasadena. It was a translation of "Look Back in Anger".
DANNY
"Look Back in Anger" was written in English.
MATT
Yeah, he translated it into Dutch.
DANNY
Why?
MATT
I don't know - just as an exercise.
DANNY
And it was funny?
MATT
Well, I didn't see it, but I bet it was.
DANNY
Yeah, cause "Look Back in Anger" is irresistibly funny to begin with, and I would think the comic rat-a-tat-tat of Osborne's play must soar even higher in Dutch.
MATT
Yeah
DANNY
In Pasadena.
MATT
Couple of years ago his wife and his two year old daughter were killed in a car accident.
DANNY
No!
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
Andy's wife and daughter were killed?
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
When?
MATT
Couple years ago.
DANNY
Why didn't you tell me?
MATT
I don't know. I heard, and I didn't tell you.
DANNY
I would've called him.
MATT
You didn't even remember him.
DANNY
Well, I remembered that he was serious. I'd imagine he's more serious now.
MATT
Thought I'd ask him to come in.
DANNY
It's up to you.
MATT
Maybe just for the week, until we get staffed up again.
DANNY
You think he can help?
MATT
If he can't, at least it'll be a mitzvah.
DANNY
A what?
MATT
A mitzvah - a nice thing to do. It'll be good luck.
CUT TO:
DIRECTOR
We’re out!
SAMANTHA
Danny?
DANNY
Whoa, whoa. Can you hear me? Just stay right there.
DYLAN
I'm all right.
DANNY
Don't get up yet, I think you fainted.
NURSE
Can you hear me?
DYLAN
I can hear everybody, let's go.
DIRECTOR (OFF)
Ninety seconds.
NURSE
Don't get up.
DANNY
I gotta strike the set.
NURSE
Don't get up, Dylan.
DYLAN
I'm standing. I'm fine. I gotta make a change.
DANNY
Hey, guys, guys, give him a hand.
DYLAN
I got it, I got it.
DANNY
What does he have?
ASSISTANT
Eight twenty.
DANNY
You got eight twenty. You got all the time in the world.
DYLAN
Yeah, I'm fine.
DANNY
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
NURSE
The thing is gonna kill us all.
DANNY
Oh thanks, sunshine.
NURSE
And could those lights possibly be any hotter?
DANNY
No, this is as hot as they get.
DIRECTOR (OFF)
Sixty seconds.
INTERCUT TO:
ALEX
On the couch.
JEANNIE
He's got eight twenty.
DYLAN
I'm fine. I gotta change.
JEANNIE
You've got time.
SAMANTHA
Thank you.
(to Dylan)
Put this around your neck.
DYLAN
Thanks. Ah!
JEANNIE
You're hot.
DYLAN
It’s about time you noticed.
JEANNIE
Don't flirt with me, rook.
HARRIET
Drink this, baby.
DYLAN
Thanks.
HARRIET
And not be insensitive, but you fainted in drag and we're probably not gonna let you forget that soon. You're gonna get a shot.
DYLAN
I'm not great with needles.
HARRIET
I'll tell you my joke - to distract you.
ALEX
Is he not suffering enough?
HARRIET
Hey! I just need to practice it.
(to Dylan)
Hi. A Jewish guy calls his mother, okay? With his mouth full...
ALES
The Jewish guy dosn't have his mouth...
HARRIET
The mother has her mouth full...
ALEX
Nobody has her mouth full.
HARRIET
Damn!
CUT TO:
DYLAN
[spit-takes]
TOM
No, here it is. Do it.
ALEX (OFF)
Tom! [TOM spit-takes]
DYLAN
You need more trajectory. Do it.
ALEX
No, that’s paint thinner! [DYLAN spit-takes.]
SIMON
Beautiful. Do me again!
(after a horn beep, SIMON spit-takes)
What the hell was that?!
TOM
An air horn.
SIMON
Why is an air horn lying around here?
TOM
Maybe it's just for such an occasion.
HARRIET
I'm better than all of you, and the proof is, I got into the American Falstaff Society.
SIMON
I'm already in.
HARRIET
All right. Then I'm better than the three of you.
ALEX
Feed me.
TOM
Better, I barely knew her. [Alex spit-takes.]
INTERCUT TO:
HARRIET
Matt?
MATT
Yeah.
HARRIET
I got into the Falstaff Society.
MATT
Hey, great! Are you the first woman?
HARRIET
I'm the eleventh woman.
MATT
Cool.
HARRIET
I am the first woman in the Great Lake region.
MATT
You're quite a pioneer!
HARRIET
I am! I'm being inducted Saturday night, and I need to tell a joke.
MATT
What kind of joke.
HARRIET
A joke joke. Henny Youngman - set it up, knock it down.
MATT
A Jewish guy calls his mother and says, "Mom, how are you?" And the mother says, "Terrible, I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days." And he says, "Why haven't you eaten in thirty-eight days?" And the mother says, "I didn't want my mouth full in case you should call."
HARRIET
All right. A Jewish guy has his mouth full.
MATT
What?
HARRIET
Wait. A Jewish guy calls his mother. He hasn't eaten in thirty-eight days.
MATT
The mother hasn't eaten in thirty-eight days.
HARRIET
The mother hasn't eaten in thirty-eight days.
MATT
No, the guy says, "How are you, Mom?" And the mother says -
HARRIET
"I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days."
MATT
Right.
HARRIET
Yes.
MATT
And the son says, "Why haven't you eaten in thirty-eight days?"
HARRIET
"Because my mouth is full." - "I didn't want my mouth to be full." Let me start from the beginning!
MATT
What the hell is the matter with you?
HARRIET
Don't pressure me! Tell me it again.
MATT
Hang on. I've seen this syndrome before. Do me a favor. A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?" The duck says, "Doc, would you get this guy off my ass?"
HARRIET
A guy and a duck walk into a doctor's office...
MATT
Yeah, you can't tell a joke.
HARRIET
I can too!
MATT
No, you can't. Like a young child, you hear a joke, get it, and then can't reconstruct the moving part.
HARRIET
That's not true.
MATT
Danny, Harriet can't tell a joke!
HARRIET
I can!
MATT
Watch this...
DANNY
Hang on.
MATT
What's going on?
DANNY
The FBI surrounded a house in Grosse Pointe. A guy is in there with his wife, three kids and a gun. There is no way this ends well.
END OF ACT ONE
***
ACT TWO
NOT CAL (OFF)
Stand by.
HOWIE (ON MONITORS)
Ladies and gentlemen, Corinne Bailey Rae.
NOT CAL (OFF)
And go camera two!
CORINNE SINGING
Just like a star across the sky,
Just like an angel off the page.
You’ll have a picture of my life.
Feel like I’ll never be the same
Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands
Only to love you…
INTERCUT TO:
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah. Could I get a large half-pepperoni half-sausage?
DANNY (OVER THE PHONE)
You know, the problem is, when you were little, your parents told you you were funny, you didn't realize they were just trying to be nice. Give me something to fill with, now! There is a complicated procedure Cal needs to go through in the booth.
MATT
We put the new sketch at the end and he backs everything up one.
DANNY
That's right.
MATT
Yeah, he's gonna need NORAD for that.
DANNY
Do you have anything?
MATT
Ah, there is really nothing we've cut from dress that I'd wanna put back.
DANNY
I think we're gonna need to go with something we don't like.
MATT
And that's the difference between me and you. I don't give up.
DANNY
Okay.
MATT
I'm a do-er.
DANNY
I know.
MATT
I'm an Ameri-can, not an Ameri-can't.
DANNY
Are you - are you chewing gum? Do you know what that sounds like over the phone?
MATT
I'm chewing nicotine gum, Mrs. Cleaver, which I'm now addicted to.
DANNY
Well, spit it out.
MATT
Hey, did I tell you I went to the hair and makeup Monday and half the cast was standing around doing - Hey, here we go! Spit-take theater. Five people, we use the living room set from the hostage sketch, and wardrobe puts everybody in Armani and Chanel.
DANNY
And everybody does spit-takes?
MATT
Let me get Lucy and Darius involved, they may have a sketch on after all. I can have it on cards by News 60.
DANNY
I can tell Cal?
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
All right, go.
MATT
Have you let Martha have it for her column?
DANNY
Huh?
MATT
You said you were gonna let Martha have it and I wanted to see that.
DANNY
Well, I banished her from the floor.
MATT
She's right there on the floor next to you.
DANNY
Well, she has full access.
MATT
She's waving at me right now.
DANNY
I know.
MATT
Almost seems like she's mocking you.
DANNY
Hey, drama boy, go write four and a half pages about people spitting at each other, would you?
MATT
You think you may have been a little hard on Martha?
DANNY
Go!
CUT TO:
TITLE:
Tuesday
DANNY
I'm gonna kill this woman
GEORGE
Who's that?
DANNY
Martha O'Dell.
GEORGE
I thought you two were becoming friends.
DANNY
First of all, she's calling Tom's movie "a failure".
GEORGE
Is she reviewing movies?
DANNY
She’s relating it to Washington but she’s calling it a failure because it only made 9 million last weekend.
(MATT walks in)
Get an umbrella!
MATT
Who thought it was gonna rain this long? The ground around here can't hold this much water! And now desert animals are starting to come into my house - snakes and worms.
DANNY
Read Martha's column today?
MATT
Yaks are walking into my house.
DANNY
She uses a post on a website as a source. I'm gonna let her have it.
MATT
I wouldn't
DANNY
Why not?
MATT
I'm scared of her.
DANNY
I'm not.
MATT
Okay.
(turning around)
Andy! It's good to see you.
ANDY
How are you?
MATT
Good. You remember Danny?
ANDY
Of course.
DANNY
Good to see you. Thanks for helping us out.
ANDY
I don't think I'll be able to do that, but - whatever.
DANNY
Okay, that's the spirit. I'll be in my office.
CUT TO:
MATT
There're just two of them. I'm not expecting anything, so there's no pressure. I'll be doing a lion's share of the writing this week, I just wanted to put some experience into the room.
(walking in)
Lucy Kenwright, Darius Hawthone, this is Andy Mackinaw. They're working on a sketch about a bad criminal, why don't you guys talk about...
ANDY
How many sketches have you had on?
LUCY
Me?
ANDY
How many sketches have you had on the air?
LUCY
I haven't - none.
ANDY
What about you?
DARIUS
I was just hired last week.
MATT
They're fresh.
ANDY
Is there anything new?
MATT
Yeah, the FBI...
ANDY
I was asking them.
MATT
Sure, establish a special bond. Great!
ANDY
Blond girl.
LUCY
The guy put his five year old on the phone because the FBI needed assurances that everyone was okay.
ANDY
And, you?
DARIUS
The girl said she was okay, but her father was keeping her sisters in a separate room.
MATT
Why don't we start by...
ANDY
Why don't we start by sitting a little closer to each other?
CUT TO:
NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)
You can see there, the police have secured...
ASSISTANT 1
It's been more than twenty-four hours now.
JEFF
Twenty-seven hours.
KERRY
You love this one.
JORDAN
The news loves rich people gone mad. By Thursday his property will double in size.
(sitting down)
Let's sit down. "The Beat"?
KERRY
We're waiting on Taylor's rewrite.
JORDAN
Should be when?
KERRY
Monday.
JORDAN
Are we anywhere on casting?
KERRY
We're out and waiting.
JORDAN
"Gina"?
KERRY
Kerry.
JORDAN
The show, "Gina"?
JEFF
I've read it and it needs work.
JORDAN
How much?
JEFF
Page one.
JORDAN
Why do we buy it?
JEFF
It was an overall.
JORDAN
"Cross Country"?
ASSISSTANT 1
Casting's got a good list.
JORDAN
Casting's got a wish list. When Spencer Tracy passes, I want to know who they're going to next. Jeff, "Gina" can be a good vehicle for somebody, it can be a race car.
(to self)
"Race car" is a palindrome.
JEFF
I'm sorry?
JORDAN
It's a palindrome. "Race car" spelled backwards is "race car". Why is "Lunch Pail" still on here? Guys, I passed on this.
KERRY
Jack wanted us to make a bid.
JORDAN
Yeah?
KERRY
Jordan...
JORDAN
Okay, that's it. We'll meet again this afternoon.
(standing up)
Kerry, stick around.
(walks behind her table)
How did he know about it?
KERRY
I'm sorry to go over your head. It's just that I felt strongly about it.
JORDAN
You should have expressed that to me.
KERRY
I apologize.
JORDAN
All right, don't worry about it.
CUT TO:
JORDAN
All right.
JACK
Hang on.
JORDAN
Jack...
JACK
There’s a thing is going around, and I'm not gonna get it.
JORDAN
First of all, when I pass on something, don't put it back in development. Second of all, "Lunch Pail" sucks out loud.
JACK
Hang on.
JORDAN
And finally, Danny Tripp told me what you two talked about on the plane last week.
JACK
What do you mean?
JORDAN
"What do you mean?"
JACK
Flawless impersonation.
JORDAN
You told him you thought I was gonna get fired.
JACK
I do think you're gonna get fired.
JORDAN
On what grounds?
JACK
On the grounds that there's a growing public perception that you're a twit.
JORDAN
I believe that perception exists only inside this building and possibly only inside this office.
JACK
It exists inside Newsweek, too, J-Mac! Did you read it?
JORDAN
Yes.
JACK
The way you sit in a chair in a meeting is "kittnish". You toss your hair back, you speak in a wispy voice - "girlish".
JORDAN
I was surprise by how many time the woman's editor let her get away with "ish".
JACK
But you know what she's saying.
JORDAN
That the cheerleaders didn't want to sit next to her at lunch in high school? I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton. What does it matter?
JACK
You are.
JORDAN
What?
JACK
Paris Hilton. You got made into Paris Hilton. The press decided they needed a new one and you're good casting.
JORDAN
When people tune in to the new fall schedule, they're not gonna care whether I'm Paris Hilton or...
JACK
I hear that but right now your constituency is the TMG board. Three board members, by the way, are on my phone sheet right now, and they all wanna talk about Newsweek, "Crazy Christians", or the sex clubs, and they’re gonna wanna know why you're not lifting a finger to stop it despite the fact that Shelly and I have begged you to.
JORDAN
Becuase I don't owe the people who read the National Enquirer an explanation.
JACK
How about your board of directors?
(sitting down)
Is there anything else?
JORDAN
I'll have Shelly set something up - one interview!
JACK
Newsweek?
JORDAN
Screw Newsweek. I - I wouldn't wanna sit in my chair the wrong way. Time Magazine.
JACK
Atta boy.
END OF ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE:
TITLE:
Friday
ANDY
I'm on page two and - I don't know what the sketch is about.
LUCY
It's about a hapless criminal in a hostage situation.
ANDY
Well, you're gonna have to explain it to the audience just like that because I'm on page two and I don't know what the sketch is about. Buy the premise - buy the bit. You can't do jokse until you've stated the premise.
DARIUS
Once we state the premise, is the rest of it funny?
ANDY
You don’t want to use me as a test for that.
DARIUS
Why not?
ANDY
I don't find anything funny.
LUCY
We've been working on one sketch for five days, we've done thirteen passes.
ANDY
I have a good feeling about the fourteenth.
CUT TO:
SUZANNE
Excuse me?
DANNY
Hello!
SUZANNE
They said you wanted to see me.
DANNY
Yeah, listen. Uh, Maisie left with Ron and Ricky. Are you interested in being Matt's assistant?
SUZANNE
Me?
DANNY
Yeah, you get a nice raise.
SUZANNE
I don't need a raise.
DANNY
Okay.
SUZANNE
I'll take the raise.
DANNY
Come on.
(walking out)
Keep his appointments, keep his phone sheet, and most important, you keep people out. Everybody wants ten minutes, you're the gatekeeper.
SUZANNE
How do I know who to let in?
DANNY
You'll learn. Did you read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?
SUZANNE
Yes.
DANNY
Do you agree it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web posting to support her point?
SUZANNE
I liked the piece.
DANNY
Never disagree with me.
SUZANNE
It made me sick.
DANNY
All right. Speaking of sick…
SUZANNE
You and Matt need to get shots, I'll set it up.
DANNY
Veronica!
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
Took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
MATT
Yeah?
SUZANNE
If you'll take me.
MATT
I'll take the hell outta you.
SUZANNE
Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
MATT
Sure, but I have to wake up for school, now.
DANNY
Tell Karen to draw you two hundred dollars from petty cash and buy some nice work cloths.
SUZANNE
Two hundred dollars?
DANNY
It's on us.
SUZANNE
Am I working for Matt in 1963?
DANNY
How much do you need?
SUZANNE
I've got some stuff in my closet. You both need B-12 shots from the nurse.
MATT
I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
DANNY
Why not?
MATT
Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant.
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
Seriously, it can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
DANNY
I'm not pregnant.
MATT
Have you checked? You're been pretty hormonal.
DANNY
It's testosterone.
MATT
It's estrogen. Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits - you probably keep a bunch in your car.
DANNY
He's trying to get a riff going. Don't feed the fire and it will go out.
MATT
One more thing.
DANNY
What?
MATT
You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
DANNY
You know Chevy Chase woke up one day, and he just wasn't funny any more.
MATT
Thanks, Suzanne.
DANNY
Hey, come on in.
MATT
Fatigue set in. They've established communication with the guy. He's trying to negotiate in there and they’re optimistic.
ANDY
That's good.
MATT
How's it going down there?
ANDY
Fine. I'm gonna go home.
MATT
For the day?
ANDY
Forever.
MATT
Oh, they're talented people, they're just inexperienced, and they need a teacher the way you and I had Wes.
ANDY
Matt, when you walked me into the room on Tuesday, you said the following things to me: "There's no pressure. I'm gonna write most of the show. There is no pressure. They don't have to do anything. There's no pressure."
MATT
It's true.
ANDY
They know that. They're trying, but they know they're not getting anything on the air. Lesson one is they gotta live and die on Friday night. They gotta feel like success in a three minute sketch is the same thing as love and they gotta fear failure like it's grim death. They gotta be every bit as damaged as you are.
DANNY
That's a lot to shoot for, Andy.
MATT
It is. I try to yell at them as often as I can.
ANDY
That's a good start, but it's not good enough.
DANNY
What do you think you should do?
ANDY
Toss them in the river.
MATT
Oh, Andy, if the union would let me drown them, don't you think I'd have done that already?
ANDY
Give their sketch a spot at the dress tonight. Let them hear what three hundred people not laughing sounds like.
MATT
All right.
INTERCUT TO:
MATT
Are you still holding Tuesday's paper?
DANNY
I can't allow this to go unprotested.
MATT
Martha's column?
DANNY
Yes.
MATT
Is there any chance you're making too big a deal out of it?
DANNY
No.
CUT TO:
DANNY
You're ushering in the end of the world.
MARTHA
I don't think I am.
DANNY
You torn its ticket, you handed it the program, you're showing the end of the world to its seat.
MARTHA
Because I didn't like the movie?
DANNY
I didn't like it ether, but you called it "a failure", and your basis was that it only grossed nine million at the domestic box.
MARTHA
It was a commercial failure.
DANNY
What do you care? What does anybody care except the studio or the exhibitor? Why are budgets and grosses printed in your paper like they're sport scores?
MARTHA
We cover business.
DANNY
It doesn't get printed in the business section, it gets printed in the art section.
MARTHA
In this particular case, it was printed in my column, which is in the op-ed section. And I was using the lack of commercial success to make my point.
DANNY
That wasn't the only thing you were using to make your point. "Dilbert27 at AintItCoolNews.com writes..."
MARTHA
You kept the newspaper!
DANNY
"Dilbert27 writes, 'It;s failure is no surprise. It's typical high-minded indie-film clap-trap, to make us care about some hayseed suffering from lime disease.'"
MARTHA
So go yell at Dilbert27...
DANNY
I can't! I don't know who Dilbert27 is, and neither do you.
(after receiving no response)
You source an anonymous web post to support your point? Two time Pulitzer prize winning columnist for the New York Fricking Times? Yeah, at first I - I wasn't sure, but now that I know Dilbert27 agrees with her - Are you kidding me?
MARTHA
Your fly is open.
(while Danny looks down)
Made you look.
CUT TO:
DANNY
I'm right, she's wrong, and I'm gonna make her cry like a girl.
MATT
Okay, but she's writing a story about our show. So you know - maybe not.
DANNY
This is more important.
MATT
What's more important?
DANNY
Me being right.
HARRIET
Okay, here it is.
DANNY
Nobody here knows how to operate an umbrella?
HARRIET
A guy calls his mother...
MATT
Oh, God!
HARRIET
The guy says, "How are you, Mom?"
(after realizing she's wrong again)
Damn!
MATT
Yeah.
HARRIET
The guy's Jewish!
MATT
Yeah.
HARRIET
All right. A guy calls his mother, he's Jewish.
DANNY
Can't tell a joke?
HARRIET
A Jewish guy calls his mother on the phone.
MATT
It’s lke watching a drunken man crossing an icy street.
DANNY
Go dry yourself.
HARRIET
Yeah, okay.
CUT TO:
SHELLY
The rain's turned traffic up side down, the PCH's just been closed since Monday, and - getting through the canyons is an adventure.
JORDAN
Excuse me.
BILL
Bill Chatsky.
JORDAN
You ready?
BILL
You can settle in first.
JORDAN
No, Bill, let's do it to it.
BILL
Okay! Ten questions for Jordan McDeere.
(after a pause)
They tell me you've been reluctant to speak on your own behalf.
JORDAN
Yes.
BILL
Why?
JORDAN
You know how you win at three card Monte?
BILL
How?
JORDAN
Get someone to play.
BILL
Does it anger you when people say you're just a pretty face?
JORDAN
I always forgive my enemies - nothing annoys ‘em nearly as much.
BILL
Haha. Speaking of enemies. At your very first press conference, you left somewhat the impression that you regard the Christian right an enemy to be either - beaten or ignored. Is that accurate?
JORDAN
No, beaten and then ignored.
BILL
And now, the serious answer.
JORDAN
I admire people of faith - all faiths. That's not hard for me to do cause I went to Catholic school K through twelve and nobody's more nuts than we are.
BILL
Did you buy a pilot script called "Nations"?
JORDAN
I did more than that. I made a full series commitment.
BILL
It's a one hour drama about the UN. How wide do you imagine its appeal will be?
JORDAN
A hundred ninety-one countries belong to it, but, I can see how we'd have problems syndicating to Taiwan and Vatican City.
BILL
Again - the serious answer.
JORDAN
The Pew Research Center says the two most vile professions in America are - in the order - laywers and doctors. Hasn't stopped shows about lawyers and doctors.
BILL
I'm sure you weren't happy to learn that your ex-husband is publishing a book. He makes claims in it about your lifestyle when you two were together. Do you want to respond to that?
JORDAN
Only to say that we had a lifestyle when we were together and I - regret both of those things very deeply.
BILL
What did your husband do when you met him?
JORDAN
He dealt three card Monte.
BILL
I can tell you enjoy giving humorous answers - and it's disarming. But some people wonder if you're aware of the serious jeopardy you're in.
JORDAN
Yeah?
BILL
Yes.
JORDAN
What people would that be?
BILL
You mean specifically?
JORDAN
Yes.
SHELLY
Why don't we move on to the next question?
JORDAN
I wanna stay with this one.
BILL
There is talk among people in the industry. It has been reported...
JORDAN
The "talk among people in the industry" - and that was absolutely penetrating specificity - hasn't been reported, it's been created, the way it just was a moment ago. Stories need conflict, that's understandable - except reporters aren't supposed to be storytellers. Stop trying to entertain me.
BILL
You don't like the press.
SHELLY
I think that was ten questions.
JORDAN
By "the press" you're talking about a lot of people. Let me be specific - I don't like you...
SHELLY
Okay!
JORDAN
I don't think you've spoken to a single person who's unhappy with my job performance. I think you're reporting on what you and the guy in the cubicle next to you were talking about at lunch. And that makes you a hairdresser and a cockfight promoter.
BILL
Okay. Thank you.
JORDAN
Thank you!
SHELLY
Thank you, Bill.
END OF ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR:
ANNOUNCER (OFF)
Great dress! Great dress rehearsal everybody, thank you very much! Great dress!
ANDY
Yeah, that's what tanking is like.
LUCY
That was unbearable.
ANDY
Wasn't it, though?
LUCY
Was that really only three and a half minutes?
ANDY
No, it ran short cause no one had to hold for laughs. It wasn't wasted time though, cause you gave people a chance to - think about their lives, and - where they're parked their cars.
DARIUS
Let's get outta here.
ANDY
No. Stand right there another minute.
DARIUS
Why?
ANDY
The metaphor.
(after the "door slammed into your face" metaphor)
There you go! All right, come on.
INTERCUT TO:
ANDY
Here's want you want to do -
LUCY
What?
ANDY
Drink.
LUCY
You did this on purpose, didn't you.
ANDY
I did.
DARIUS
I'm trying it again.
ANDY
You're gonna try and write another sketch?
DARIUS
I'm writing this sketch.
LUCY
Yes.
ANDY
Usually it's that twenty-third pass where you have a breakthrough.
DARIUS
Hey! You can stand there or you can help us. But either way... You know?
ANDY
You really laid me low with that one!
LUCY
What if we just simplify the whole thing?
DARIUS
That's exactly what I was thinking.
ANDY
I’d just sit in the dark and weep.
LUCY
Buy the premise - buy the bit. The worst criminal in the world is taking hostages in a bank. Let's throw out everything that isn't that.
CUT TO:
MATT
We're gonna need a nurse over here.
DANNY
She's coming
MATT
Jeannie and Tom aren't gonna make it.
DANNY
They'll be fine.
MATT
They look like they've got something you can only catch in Africa.
DANNY
D'you get a shot?
MATT
I’ve already had mine.
DANNY
It's a miracle drug.
MATT
B-12?
DANNY
Yeah, gets everybody through the show. Energy, stamina, improved immune system. Margaret Thatcher used to get one very day.
MATT
Did you get one?
DANNY
No.
MATT
Is it cause you're pregnant?
DANNY
You can try that callback as many times as you want, it's still not gonna be as funny as you want.
MATT
Speaking of not funny. We'll lose "Metric Conversion", "Bedtime Stories"...
DANNY
"Bad Clams".
MATT
"Bad Clams".
ANDY
Excuse me.
DANNY
Hey!
ANDY
Keep the hostage sketch. They got a rewrite.
MATT
Uh, dress came down twenty minutes ago.
ANDY
They did it.
DANNY
Suzanne?
SUZANNE
Yeah?
DANNY
Remember when I told you about being a gatekeeper?
SUZANNE
Yes, sir?
DANNY
This is why. Guys, I know you worked hard all week, but it isn't there yet.
MATT
It is now.
DANNY
What?
MATT
It is. Solid, double up the middle. We’ll cut "Prison Art Collector" and put it in the twelve forty-five. The only reason I'm putting it at the end is so Harry and Sim have time to rehearse.
LUCY
Wait! What're you saying?
DANNY
You got a sketch on tonight.
DARIUS
Wait, what?
DANNY
You're professional comedy writers. Go call your parents!
LUCY
Thank you.
DARIUS
Thank you.
LUCY
Thank you.
DARIUS
Thank you very much.
LUCY
Thank you.
DARIUS
Thank you.
DANNY
Get a timing from Cal's. It might be short.
MATT
It's not gonna be with the laughs.
LUCY
Thank you.
MATT
What?
LUCY
Thank you.
DANNY
Go!
(to Andy)
Thank you!
ANDY
Ah! I don't know - I maybe might have, eh -
DANNY
What?
ANDY
Enjoyed it - a little - I dunno.
DANNY
You'll come back one more week?
ANDY
One more week.
MATT
The result of a mitzvah.
CUT TO:
HOWIE
I see what we're doing - it's a parody of my show.
DANNY
You can take your chances by continuing the monologue and choosing your next joke - from one of these two briefcases, or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch.
HOWIE
Yeah, you know, I was hoping to do something different tonight, and...
DANNY
Uh, call from the banker.
(into his cell phone)
Mhm, mhm, mhm...
HOWIE
Listen...
DANNY
Right...
HOWIE
I don't stay on the phone that long.
INTERCUT TO:
ASSISTANT (OFF)
Camera three is ready.
HOWIE (OFF FROM MONITORS)
All right! You're not even talking to a banker! That's your announcer, Herb Sheldon.
MATT
Take this to the floor.
CUT TO:
HARRIET
You’ve got it too?
TOM
How are you the only one who's not sick?
HARRIET
I'll tell you how. I'm a medical marvel.
TOM
Yeah?
HARRIET
A guy calls his mother after thirty-eight years.
(pause)
Days!
(another pause)
Wait!
(yet another pause)
Damn it!
TOM
Kill me! Right now!
INTERCUT TO:
DANNY
You look good in your new clothes!
INTERCUT TO:
LUCY
Just be watching it at twelve forty-five!
DARIUS
Yeah - yeah, it's for real.
LUCY
And tell Sherry and Jill!
DARIUS
Twelve forty-five, make sure grandma's there.
LUCY
Oh, put her on!
DARIUS
About a guy who takes hostages but he's really bad at it...
LUCY
It's Lucy! It's true, I have a sketch on tonight.
MATT
Guys!
DARIUS
Eh - hey, I gotta go. Twelve forty-five.
LUCY
I have to get off the phone now, the show has already started. I love you.
MATT
The guy in Grosse Pointe just killed everybody and then himself.
ANDY
He killed the kids?
MATT
Yeah.
ANDY
Well, it'd be in bad taste to do the sketch.
MATT
Yeah. I'm sorry, guys, it's one of those...
ANDY
They're all right. They're pros.
MATT
Good! Cause we're gonna come up with something in the next twenty minutes, rehearse it, and put it at the end of the show by the end of the show.
LUCY
You don't wanna just put back something from the dress?
MATT
I think the four of us can top it. Something simple, using the same set.
DARIUS
You're just gonna wing it?
MATT
No, no, no. We're gonna wing it. Take ten minutes to think on your own, and then we'll pitch.
CUT TO:
HARRIET
Paul McCartney says writing new music sustained him through his acrimonious divorce. Tracks off his latest album include "I Earned It, I Was in the Beatles, You Slut!" and “The Prom Ballad Way Worse than Yoko.”
SIMON
And finally, Parkistan's parliament is debating its controversial rape law. Under proposed new amendment, a rape victim would no longer have to produce four witnesses...
ASSISTANT (OFF)
We're three seconds over.
SIMON (ON MONITORS)
Instead, she will be required to produce a unicorn.
(pause)
I'm Simon Styles.
HARRIET
I'm Harriet Hayes, and that's the news.
DIRECTOR (OFF)
We're out!
MARTHA
... called a "man-on-the-street interview".
DANNY
I never knew why I was supposed to care about the man on the street, either. But, eh, at least he looked like the man on the street. We saw him. He was the regional distributor of a soft drink company, he was catching his train. I - I - I don't whether Dilbert27 is ten years old or a Labrador retriever.
MARTHA
Hey, if a dog types, I'm quoting him.
DANNY
Would you get your face outta that computer? Life is happening all around you, and you're watching the commentary.
MARTHA
I'm reading an email from a colleague who says Jordan punted a Time interview.
DANNY
What happened?
MARTHA
I've just been sent the interview. Should I read it or should I - "observe the life that's happening all around me"?
CUT TO:
JACK
Did he ask you if you liked him?
JORDAN
No.
JACK
You just volunteered that you didn't.
JORDAN
Yeah.
JACK
And that you feel reporters are a bunch of hairdressers.
JORDAN
Not all reporters. I made it very clear I was talking about him.
JACK
Much better.
JORDAN
Look, if you want to explode, Jack, you're right, go ahead.
JACK
Nah, I've done that already.
JORDAN
Jack, I really...
JACK
What can I tell you, Jordan? You got two lives, okay? The real one, and the character you play in the press.
JORDAN
The Audience doesn't care about the character I play in the press, Jack, they just don't!
JACK
Your audience is Wilson White and the board of TMG. You were supposed to fix it, and you made it worse.
CUT TO:
ASSISTANT (OFF)
Sixty seconds till Corrine Bailey Ray...
HARRIET
Knock, knock.
TOM
God.
HARRIET
Knock, knock, rook!
DYLAN
Who's there?
HARRIET
Orange.
SAMANTHA
Banana!
HARRIET
Orange!
SAMANTHA
Banana! It's banana! Banana, banana, banana! Then you say orange. Orange you're glad I didn't say banana? Four year olds are telling this joke.
HARRIET
Okay, well, calm down! I happen to be a member of - what?
SIMON
Falstaff.
HARRIET
Falstaff Society.
MATT
All right, here it is. It's easy but pay attention. Spit-take theater.
TOM
Yeah.
MATT
Same five actors, same set, elegant clothes. It’s going on the cards right now and we're gonna mark it in the next c-break. You speak in a stentorian voice. On the first round of cards, the actor third to the left of the person speaking does a spit-take. On the second round, the actor third to the left and immediately to the left does a spit-take. On the final round, anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take.
SIMON
All right.
ALEX (OFF)
Great.
TOM
Good.
HARRIET
Wait!
MATT
What?
HARRIET
I made it through the week without getting sick and we're the ending the night with everybody spitting at me?
MATT
That's better!
ANDY
Yeah!
MATT
Everybody just spit at Harriet, they should all hit.
TOM AND OTHERS
Yes.
Good.
Good.
Every time.
Great.
INTERCUT TO:
HOWIE (OFF)
Ladies and gentlemen, once again - Corinne Bailey Rae.
CORINNE SINGING
It’s late, and I’m feeling so tired
Having trouble sleepin’
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing
Could it be I’m suffering because I’ll never give in?
Won’t say that I’m falling in love
Tell me I don’t seem myself, couldn’t I blame something else?
MARTHA
You want fight some more?
DANNY
Yeah, in a minute.
(standing up)
I'll be right back.
INTERCUT TO:
DANNY
What's up?
JORDAN
Hi! I just got here. Was it a good show?
DANNY
I thought so, it got out of hand here at the end, but - that's good, too.
JORDAN
I screwed up so bad.
DANNY
No, you didn't.
JORDAN
I did.
DANNY
Come on.
JORDAN
I fell into every stereotype, ...
DANNY
No!
JORDAN
... every cliche...
DANNY
You were funny.
JORDAN
... of what happens when a woman is...
DANNY
What?
JORDAN
I was hormonal.
DANNY
What're you talking about?
JORDAN
I was!
DANNY
What're you talking about?
(after receiving no response)
Hey, this thing's on a couple of websites now. Reactions posted - almost twenty of them so far - are incredibly supportive. I wrote one of them down.
JORDAN
Who's it from?
DANNY
Er, it doesn't matter.
JORDAN
Who's it from?
DANNY
A guy named Dilbert27. But I think he's right on the money.
JORDAN
Oh, hell.
(she almost faints)
DANNY
What? Whoa, whoa! Whoa, all right, sit right here on the floor.
JORDAN
Okay.
DANNY
Okay, just sit right here. This happened to Dylan during the show.
JORDAN
I'm okay.
DANNY
No, no, no. No, you're hot. Sit right here.
JORDAN
I'm okay.
DANNY
I'm gonna get the nurse.
JORDAN
Okay.
DANNY
She's gonna give you a B-12 shot.
JORDAN
I can't.
DANNY
I'll be right back.
JORDAN
I can't have the shot.
DANNY
Just sit here.
JORDAN
Make sure she doesn't give me the shot.
DANNY
You're pregnant.
JORDAN
(at the same time)
I'm pregnant.
END OF ACT FOUR AND EPISODE
