Episode 1x02
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x02: The Cold Open
Written by: Aaron Sorkin
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Original Airing: September 25, 2006 (US)
Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.
CUE CARD: THE COLD OPEN - MONDAY
[Opens on a press conference.]
SHELLY
Gail?
GAIL
Gail Winslow, Philadelphia Inquirer. You're one of the highest ranking female executives in television, which means you'll bring a different sensibility to the job. Can you talk a bit about that?
JORDAN
Well, I've only had the job for three hours, so I don’t know. (laughs) I'm not sure that male or female has as much to do with it as you might think. We’re just at the beginning of our development season for next fall and with each of our potential new shows, I'll ask myself three questions: Do I like it, would my parents like it, If I had kids, would I want them to watch it. If the answer to any of those questions is yes, I'll put it on the air. If the answer to all three is no, then I won't.
SHELLY
In the back, Bill.
BILL
Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as a candy ass network, and a greed-filled whorehouse of a network.
JORDAN
Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. Until we realized he wasn't talking about FOX, he was talking about us. No, I can't comment on that. I can't comment on what may or may not have happened at NBS over the past five years. I will say this is a broadcast network-
DANNY
She's doing okay.
MATT
I could've used the day is all I'm saying.
DANNY
You needed to sleep.
MATT
For twenty eight hours?
DANNY
You were on some very powerful painkillers Friday night.
MATT
I needed to write. I lost a whole day.
DANNY
You wouldn't have been able to write anyway. And I needed you rested for the week. I made a decision for you. You’ll find I’ll be making a lot of them.
MATT
I wish you hadn't sent Jeannie home with me. She spent the weekend at my house.
DANNY
You needed someone to take care of you. And I needed to meet with the department heads.
MATT
Harriet doesn't know that I- It doesn't matter. We got five days now. Not even five days and except for what's their names-
DANNY
Ricky and Ron.
MATT
Dick and Dick, I don't even know anybody on the writing staff anymore.
DANNY
Yeah, are you listening to her? She’s doing good.
MATT
You know this thing is all over talk radio?
DANNY
What do you expect?
MATT
A caller from Toluca Lake called us Barbra Streisand-loving Michael Moore-worshipping jackasses.
DANNY
What have I always told you about listening to show tunes?
MATT
Don't do it.
DANNY
Don't do it.
JORDAN
I'll tell you what I do believe. I believe that the people who watch television shows aren't dumber than the people who make television shows. I believe that quality is not anathema to profit.
I know you have a lot of questions about Wes and the incident Friday night, but I’m not going to answer them, these are internal matters. What I will do is introduce you formally to Matt and Danny.
DANNY
All right. Here we go.
JORDAN
They began working at Studio 60 nine years ago as respectively a staff writer and a segment producer and are repsonsible for some the shows most enduring moments in comedy
MATT
Wait a second, the caller from Toluca Lake with the Barbara Streisand-loving. Was she calling us Holly wood liberals or was she calling us gay?
DANNY
It's a pretty fine distinction.
MATT
Yeah, I guess so. I really wish you hadn't sent Jeannie home with me.
DANNY
Hang on.
JORDAN
They are irreverent, they are brilliant. They will make us laugh, they will make think, they will make us talk and they will make us proud.
DANNY
Easy does it, lady.
JORDAN
They will return Studio 60 to its former glory as the flagship program of NBS And NBS will return to its former place as America's greatest broadcast network. And if you don't believe me, tune in Friday night at 11:30.
DANNY
No.
MATT
By the way, this latest career move of ours?
DANNY
Pretty stupid?
MATT
Yeah.
JORDAN
-Friends of mine, and old friends to the network, Matthew Albie and Danny Tripp. [They enter the room.]
DANNY
Stick around okay? And when we're done I need to choke you to death.
JORDAN
You bet.
[Studio 60 Control Room]
CAL
I've got the NBS closed circuit feed up on channel 10 if anybody wants to watch the news conference.
DANNY
[on monitor] Good morning everybody, thank you. You probably have a lot of questions, we’d like to answer all of them but we’re all under deadlines, you have your editors, we have a cast and crew 200 yards away.
[Backstage]
JEANNIE
Hayes.
HARRIET
Jeannie with the light brown hair.
JEANNIE
You ready for this?
HARRIET
The new executive producers? The media frenzy? The pressure on this week’s show? Or working for my ex-boyfriend?
JEANNIE
Talk to me. Do we just let Jesus be our co-pilot?
HARRIET
No. My mom used to say if Jesus is your co-pilot, you should trade seats. …I want my body to look like yours.
JEANNIE
I want my talent to look like yours. How they doing?
HARRIET
They were just introduced.
JEANNIE
Hm. (leaves)
HARRIET
But so far, very charming.
SHELLY
[on monitor] Kathleen and then Debbie.
KATHLEEN
What's the division of responsibility?
DANNY
Matt'll do the work, I'll take the credit. (laughs) Matt'll oversee the writing, I'll oversee production.
RON
Everyone's in the writer's room.
RICKY
The most humiliating day of my life.
DENNY
Is he gonna oversee the writing or is she gonna do the writing, Ricky, because everyone’s heard the stories from when he was co-exec.
RICKY
I don't know Den, I'm just Matt Albie's butt boy right now.
[Conference]
MATT
I spent some time talking with Jordan Friday night and again this morning and... she's peculiar. We're both honestly very excited about working with her and getting to know her. We're also very happy to be back with her boss Jack Rudolph. (Press laughs) Guys, you've got it all wrong. I don't want to get too personal but the first time Jack and I made love, it was incredible.
[Jack’s office.]
JACK
I'll tell you what, they're doing great. All three of them.
MARTIN
[on monitors] Martin Dewitt, Entertainment Weekly. This is for either one of you or both. You've been gearing up to make a movie about Nikola Tesla. Why would you abandon the movie to come back to television?
JACK
"We love the show, we love television."
[Conference]
MATT
Danny and I both feel we grew up at Studio 60 and that we were being given a chance to come home.
DANNY
(interrupts) Ten days ago, I tested positive for cocaine and the insurance company won't bond me until I've had 18 months of clean tests. So, I won't be directing movies for a couple of years.
[Jack’s office]
JACK
Well, that was nice while it lasted. [He leaves]
[Conference]
DANNY
I think... Veronica was next? (press goes nuts)
MARTIN
Did you say...
DANNY
I did, and that is the last you'll hear me speak publicly about it. Veronica?
VERONICA
Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him.
JORDAN
I can't remember, I was high at the time. (silence) You all thought I was funnier at the beginning of the press conference. I have nothing but confidence in the both of them, so lets take one more question and let them get to work. In the back?
CONSTANCE
Constance Gower here from Rapture magazine.
JORDAN
I'm sorry?
CONSTANCE
Rapture magazine. Can you tell us about a sketch called Crazy Christians?
JORDAN
That's an internal -
MATT
What about it?
CONSTANCE
Is there such a sketch?
MATT
I wrote a sketch four years ago called Crazy Christians but it didn’t make it on the air.
CONSTANCE
Now that you've been hired back, can we plan on seeing Crazy Christians on the air on Friday night?
MATT
It's Monday, I don't know what's gonna be on the air Friday night.
DANNY
Yes.
CONSTANCE
Yes. What?
DANNY
Yes. It'll be on the air Friday night.
CONSTANCE
I see.
JORDAN
And I guess that about takes care of that. Shelly?
SHELLY
Thank you very much everyone. Thank you. Thank you very much everyone. Thank you.
[Hallway]
JORDAN
Well that turned into a kegger in a hurry.
SHELLEY
That was not the answer we talked about.
DANNY
I told the truth! You got a problem with my life?
SHELLY
We went over how you were going to frame it.
DANNY
Are you seriously gonna tell me how I should deal with this?!
JACK
Good morning.
JORDAN
That was insane.
MATT
I want to know how the sketch got out of here
JACK
No, no one speaks until I point and say their name. You. Danny. What the hell?
DANNY
I told the truth.
SHELLY
We talked about what you were gonna say.
DANNY
I, I know what we talked about. I told the truth right then, instead of having it come out in drips, which was what was gonna happen, Jack. Plus, I'm a recovering drug addict. Honesty's a good idea for me.
JACK
Well, I'm sure I speak for all the shareholders when I say that your sense of self-esteem is our highest priority. Jordan, I'm not sure that following Danny's rigorous honesty with a joke about being high was the way William Paley would’ve handled it, know what I'm saying?
JORDAN
No one ever went wrong breaking the tension.
JACK
I'd check again.
JORDAN
I want to know how Rapture magazine gets credentialed for an NBS press conference.
SHELLY
You think it should be the policy of this network to exclude religious publications-
JORDAN
We're not talking about the Christian Science Monitor. How many whack-jobs read Rapture Magazine?
SHELLY
It has a circulation four times the size of Vanity Fair.
JORDAN
Are you kidding?
SHELLY
No, I'm not.
JACK
I'm a little surprised myself, Shelly.
SHELLY
You shouldn't be.
JACK
The Rapture's what I think it is right? I mean the world comes to an end, believers go up in a space ship?
JORDAN
It's not a space ship, it's Jesus Christ.
MATT
What happens to the non-believers?
JORDAN
You get thrown into a fiery pit.
MATT
Can we just do that now?
JACK
Incredibly, he's the only one that held it together. Now if anyone can think of any ways to screw up that we haven't tried already, I'll be in my office. Shelly?
MATT
I want to know how the sketch got out there.
JORDAN
It got out there.
MATT
How?
JORDAN
How?
MATT
Yeah.
JORDAN
There's a cast, crew, and staff of 130 people in that theater. Four hundred people saw it at dress,
a thousand people in this building get the dress on a closed circuit feed. Things been around for four years, pick em. What does it matter?
MATT
It matters because comedy's less funny the second time around.
JORDAN
And your problem?
DANNY
"They will return the show to its former glory and lead NBS to its thing, quality is not anathema to profit, if you don’t believe me, tune in 11:30 Friday night?"
JORDAN
Did I get the time wrong?
DANNY
No, you raised the bar a little high, don't you think?
JORDAN
Did I?
MATT
You did.
JORDAN
I raised the bar high?
DANNY
Yes.
JORDAN
Oh. Sorry. Clear it.
[Credits screen]
[Outside]
DANNY
You know, I'd have thought you'd be in a better mood after getting so much sleep.
MATT
We gotta open it special somehow. There’s gonna be an expectation. I need to come up with a cold open.
DANNY
And the hour and 25 minutes that come after that?
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
Matt, were you trying to tell me something about Harriet before?
MATT
When?
DANNY
Before, you said something about Jeannie and Harriet?
MATT
It doesn't matter.
DANNY
Matty, you and Harriet, you’re all set, right?
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
You talked about it?
MATT
A little.
DANNY
This isn’t a problem?
MATT
It's not a problem. I need a cold open, that's the problem.
[Inside the studio.]
GEORGE
Good morning, gentlemen.
DANNY
George, how you been, sir?
GEORGE
I'll tell you something, it’s been a sad place since the two of you left and this is a great day.
DANNY
Thanks, man.
GEORGE
You've got a lot of people in there waiting for you to tell them what to do.
DANNY
Yeah. Matt's happy to see you too. He'd speak right now but he’s started to move into a coma.
GEORGE
I remember the look.
DANNY
I’m going to need an office in here somewhere, Ricky and Ron are in my old one.
DANNY AND MATT (simultaneously)
You're taking Wes' office. …You're taking Wes' office.
DANNY
No, I think I'm gonna redo the AD's old office.
MATT
I'm not taking Wes’s office.
DANNY
You need it. It’s got room to pace. You’re very active when you write.
MATT
Listen to me, the man wrote for the Smothers Brothers. He wrote with Pryor and he wrote with Cosby. He invented Studio 60. He gave me my first job and lost his because he tried to put a sketch I wrote on the air.
DANNY
That's not why he lost his job.
MATT
I don't care. I’d rather sit in Lorne Michaels’ office.
DANNY
Well, Lorne's office is in New York and he's still using it. So you're gonna use this one. (silence as they look around) This is new. (walks over, flicks on the wall clock, and gives a little snort)
MATT
Oh man, no wonder he went crazy.
DANNY
(picks up phone) Cast in the basement in five minutes.
MATT
How did it know?
DANNY
How'd it know what?
MATT
Exactly how much time was left in the week?
DANNY
Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.
MATT
But it was off.
DANNY
It has a battery.
MATT
So it always knows.
DANNY
Don't endow the thing with special powers, Matt. It's a clock, okay? C'mon.
[Backstage]
ASSISTANT
We've gotten calls from four different agents representing designers wanting to know if you're changing the set.
DANNY
I am, but not this week.
ASSISTANT
I'll send out the word.
MATT
I don't know any of these guys? They’re all Ricky and Rons?
DANNY
Yeah, I'm gonna go in with you for a second. Put them at ease. (walks in) Morning. Hi. We spoke for a few minutes Friday night and we'll get to know each other in time. For now, I’ll just say, this isn’t TV camp. It's not important to us that everybody gets to play. Come at Matt with good ideas, you’ll be a big part of the show. Don’t, it won’t matter. Cause he won't remember your name. You all right from here?
MATT
Yeah, unless you want to relax them some more?
DANNY
No, I'm fine.
MATT
Good. Okay, listen. There couldn't be a worse possible time not to be good at this. Let’s go around the room.
[Dressing rooms]
TOM
Bernadette of the Bernadette blog, says “Studio 60 seldom rose to the level of Saturday Night Live at its best. The hiring of Matthew Albie and Daniel Tripp is a sideshow. and that Wes' eloquent and courageous sign off last week should've served as the final nail in the show's coughin.” And though she spelled coughin “o-u-g-h” I think I understand what she means.
SIMON
Stop reading the internet.
TOM
Bernadette of the Bernadette blog!
SIMON
Bernadette is writing this in her pajamas. Tommy, why do you care? She's got a freezer full of Jenny Craig and she’s surrounded by her five cats.
TOM
The New York Times is going to quote Bernadette so that the people can be heard. And the Times can demonstrate they’re not the media elite. I prefer when they were elite. I'm a fan of credentials. It's like we’ve all spent the last five years living a Roger Corman film called Revenge of the Hack. I have to care about the internet, Sim, you know why? Because everyone else does. Help me out.
HARRIET
Hm?
TOM
Thank you.
SIMON
Can he even sit in a chair for 14 hours a day?
TOM
Who?
SIMON
Matt, he just had back surgery. Can he sit in a chair?
TOM
It wasn't a big deal, they just moved something around.
SIMON
Yeah, I had that surgery, and it's not a big deal, but you're not supposed to move around for about a week and a half. You’re not supposed to ride in a car. And you can't sit at a desk for 14 hours a day.
HARRIET
Fourteen hours is a short day for him and when you had the surgery, you didn't miss a show.
SIMON
I am exceptional in many ways. He, on the other hand, I don’t think he can sit in the chair.
JEANNIE
It's not gonna be a problem.
HARRIET
What's not gonna be a problem?
JEANNIE
Matt's back surgery. He's doing forty leg lifts with thirty pound weights.
SIMON
Get the hell out of here.
JEANNIE
He is.
SIMON
I couldn't tie my shoes.
HARRIET
Well, you're exceptional in many ways.
DANNY
Good morning, s'cuse me. Tell Cal I’m gonna see him in ten minutes, we’ll have the budget boys at lunch.
SUZANNE
Food?
DANNY
Sure.
SUZANNE
I meant what kind of food.
DANNY
Anything's fine. (she leaves) I got the chance to speak on the phone with each of you yesterday and I think I know what you’re all thinking ‘They’re gonna be making some changes, Bring in some new blood, am I staying, am I going?’ That's what you're all thinking, right?
TOM
Not till just now, no.
DANNY
Man, well, you should've been. Don’t give me your very best or choose this week to complain about something, you’ll make those decisions very easy. Mark Wahlberg is our host, but Matt's not going to make his first show about Mark Wahlberg and we all know it. He's also gonna write for the guys he knows so some of you need to be patient. I would also become one of the guys he knows. The White Stripes is the musical guest.
TOM
Danny?
DANNY
Yeah.
TOM
Harriet and I have been working a White Stripes sketch. We play the two of them not being able to remember if they’re husband and wife, brother or sister or just two friends who can really play. You think they’re gonna have a sense of humor about it?
SAM
I've seen them riff a little bit, Harriet's good.
TOM
Thanks, Sam.
DANNY
Can you have something to show Matt tomorrow?
TOM and HARRIET
Yes.
SIMON
Look, can he sit in a chair? Cause eight days I still couldn’t make it from the bedroom to the kitchen without a damn epidural and I'm an athlete.
TOM
You are?
SIMON
I played football in college, I play golf every Sunday.
TOM
The Yale School of Drama had a tough team to beat?
SIMON
Intermural flag football. Anyway. He’s telling people that he can do forty leg lifts with thirty pound weights. I say he’s a liar and I challenge him to a contest of physical supremacy.
TOM
Why don't you guys settle it like the real Athenians, over 18 holes at Riviera.
JEANNIE
He's not saying he did forty reps, he did forty reps. I saw him yesterday morning.
HARRIET
He went to the gym?
JEANNIE
His house. He bought a machine. (silence)
HARRIET
And you saw him. (more silence) Danny?
DANNY
You're excused.
JEANNIE
Can I go talk to her please?
DANNY
No. Anybody have any questions. Alright.
SIMON
I got a question.
DANNY
Simon?
SIMON
What'd you think of the season premiere this year?
DANNY
I missed it, I’ll watch it on tape in the office.
SIMON
What do you think of Tom's Bill Frist? He's been doing it since Terri Schiavo, it’s a great recurring-
TOM
Sim.
SIMON
You can get it from the tape library, no problem.
DANNY
I'll do that. Any other questions? Thank you.
[Writing Room]
RICKY
Deb?
DEB
The Democracy Act. Bush announces his new bill called the Democracy Act making it illegal to vote.
MATT
I don't know…
RICKY
It's a play of how these guys always name these things the opposite of what they are. The Patriot Act, the Clean Water Act.
DEB
Defense of Marriage.
MATT
I understand.
RON
During the speech he could wear a crown and hold a scepter.
MATT
Yeah, that doesn't make it better.
RICKY
Denny?
DENNY
Bush's new drug czar, Bush appoints a new drug czar, but because of his poor vetting process, it turns out he’s hired a new drug kingpin instead.
RICKY
Mitch?
MITCH
President's daily briefing. White House staffers put on a puppet show to explain-
MATT
I need to start with the opening. I need to start with the opening. When I know the opening…
RANDOM CHATTER
We've got… Which can be used for the cold open… Or a family feud, the Bush family
DENNY
And the vetters
RICKY
One at a time, one at a time
MATT
I didn't say we're not gonna have any... Stop. Just stop! (silence) What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anyhing, but holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool and I've just decided it’s no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they’re in junior high school.
RON
It's comedy Matt.
MATT
Not yet it’s not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally.
HARRIET
You are an adolescent oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
MATT
And all that will begin in just a few minutes. (leaves the writing room)
HARRIET
You've been dating Jeannie?
MATT
Harriet.
HARRIET
She saw you do forty leg lifts at your house, jackass, she was very impressed, she told us all about it. Simon and Tom couldn’t look at me. Neither could Danny, I was humiliated. What do you have to say?
MATT
Me?
HARRIET
Yeah.
MATT
Don't ever walk into that room and talk to me in front of the staff like that again and I will bench you until Christmas. I will make you the highest paid extra in Hollywood, Harry, and I will, so help me god, pay you to wave and say good night at 1 o’clock in the morning. Do you understand?
HARRIET
Yes.
MATT
Now, what is your problem? That after you broke up with me, I went out with somebody else? That’s what almost always happens.
HARRIET
Not someone from where I work. There are 17 strip clubs within a three block radius of this place for you, not someone from my show.
MATT
It's not your show, it’s mine. And there are only five strip clubs within the three block radius, I spent my twenties in this theater.
HARRIET
I've been here seven years.
MATT
And I was here for the two before that, so was Jeannie for that matter.
HARRIET
Were you dating her then?
MATT
I'm not dating her now!
HARRIET
She just sleeps with you from time to time?
MATT
You broke up with me, Harry. And if you don’t believe me, I've got a copy of the email. Yeah, she did it by email, ladies and germs. I’ve got a copy of the email on my hard drive, and another one in a safe deposit box at City National.
HARRIET
That's funny cause I keep all your things nicely stored on a garbage scow off Catalina.
MATT
Right, so can I go date a woman who doesn't?
HARRIET
Well, that populations getting pretty thin.
MATT
Look.
HARRIET
Bad enough I gotta read about you with Mena Suvari.
MATT
Well that was-
HARRIET
Fiona Apple. Rachel MacAdams. Marlo Thomas.
MATT
You think I’ve been dating Marlo Thomas-
HARRIET
Who the hell knows what you do, you addle minded pervert.
MATT
Marlo's married to Phil Donahue who can still beat the crap out of me any time he wants.
HARRIET
Thank god.
MATT
Seriously, he's a huge Irish man.
HARRIET
I'm too tired for this.
MATT
I never dated any of those people.
HARRIET
Page Six-
MATT
Well then you got me because if Page Six said it, then it must be true. Did you get hard confirmation from the Drudge Report?
HARRIET
I got confirmation from Jeannie.
MATT
About who?
HARRIET
About Jeannie.
MATT
Jeannie and I have been friends for a long time, but you don't have to worry, I don't date or do anything with people who work for me.
HARRIET
Yeah. I feel relieved. In fact, I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.
MATT
Harry.
HARRIET
If I slow danced with Danny, your head would explode and you know it. I have an active imagination, Matthew. I'm paid a lot of money for it, and you had to know I was gonna find out. So now I have this in my imagination. That's just mean.
MATT
Harriet. Harry. I didn't mean to be mean. Danny sent her home with me to make sure I was okay.
HARRIET
And?
MATT
And... I just want to make sure that... I mean, we need you this week, we need a great show and, y'know...
HARRIET
I see.
MATT
So, you can keep your head in the game?
HARRIET
Sit down. Write. And give me a damn audience.
MATT
(quietly) Damn it.
CUE CARD: TUESDAY
[Jack’s office]
JACK
The world has to come to an end?
SHELLY
For the Rapture?
JACK
Yes.
SHELLY
Yes.
JACK
So there's a percentage of the population hoping for the world to come to an end?
SHELLY
Yes.
JACK
You'd think they'd be rooting us on. [JORDAN enters] How long were you gonna stand out there?
JORDAN
I'm a people person, Jack, I was just getting to know your intern, Kelly.
JACK
My intern's name is Kayla, and we’ve got a problem. Peter?
PETER
Peter Goldman from affiliate relations, we didn’t really get a chance to meet in the chaos on Friday.
JOE
And I'm Joe Reardon from Sales.
PETER
I just got a very nervous from a man named Vernon Williams, who’s the owner of WTIH, our affiliate in Terra Haute.
JACK
Vernon Williams had to call on his cell phone because his station lines are jammed.
PETER
He won't carry Studio 60 Friday night unless he is guaranteed that the sketch Crazy Christians is dropped.
JORDAN
I don't tell the guys what to put on the show.
JACK
Yeah, you do. You’re their boss.
JORDAN
And in fact, in this case, I specifically gave them permission to do it, I kind of made them a promise.
JACK
Break it.
JORDAN
Over the Terra Haute market? What are they 229 out of 230 affiliates?
JACK
They're 151st. But that’s not the point.
JORDAN
How did the editor in chief of Total Nutbar Magazine get mobilized this fast?
JACK
That's the point.
JORDAN
She and I have been on this issue for the exact same amount of time and I don’t even know how to work my phone yet.
JACK
Dial 9, Professor.
JORDAN
Where's she at?
PETER
Well, clearly she's got the-
JORDAN
What's her name?
JACK
Constance Gower
JORDAN
I hate that name, where's she at?
PETER
I was going to say clearly she’s got the AFE working the bank. She put a newsflash on their website, that’s like flashing the Batsignal for her members.
JORDAN
So what happens now?
SHELLY
Phone lines will be flooded within the hour. At Studio 60, 22 different red state affiliates and here. And it will be a news story the whole week and they will probably come after you.
JORDAN
With napalm?
SHELLEY
Personal stuff, it will get leaked on the web.
JORDAN
Well, that's the way it goes.
JACK
I don't think the advertisers will feel that way.
JORDAN
I'm bulletproof on Friday nights.
SHELLY
How?
JORDAN
Because movies open on Friday and half our sponsors are studios who want their trailers associated with what’s hip and cool. As long as I’m delivering them eyeballs, they’re not-
JOE
There won't be any eyeballs without the affiliates.
JORDAN
We lost one.
JOE
In five hours.
JORDAN
Terra Haute. What’s next, Little Rock - Pine Bluff? Have any of these people ever watched the show and if they don’t like it,cCan somebody go over to their houses and teach them how to change the channel?
JACK
Sounds like exactly what my next job will be.
JORDAN
Jack-
JACK
No, it's the affiliate groups, Jordan. Jensen media, Forthlin West, Dynamic Channels, we’ll be reduced to the size of a college radio station. So could you please pick up the phone and call your friends, the executive producers, and tell-
JORDAN
No. I'm sorry, Jack. Porter.
PETER
Peter.
JORDAN
Jim.
JOE
Joe.
JORDAN
I'm sorry. But I made them a promise. In fact it is the first that I made. I wish to offend no one, but I’m the president of the National Broadcasting System and I won't be told what to put on my airwaves by amateurs of any stripe. Shelly, don't worry about my back, worry about the network's.
JACK
Your back is the network's.
JORDAN
Nice meeting you guys.
[Studio, backstage]
CAL
Do we know anything about sound?
DANNY
No.
CAL
FX
DANNY
No.
CAL
Film segments.
DANNY
No.
CAL
Any point in going around the table.
DANNY
No.
CAL
Okay.
DANNY
Sorry, Cal. He doesn’t have anything yet. You know, he’s a little tight.
CAL
That’s no problem. Set construction, just be on stand by. Same thing with the camera department, sound, set dressing, wardrobe, props, graphics, video playback, gaffer, grips, electrics in general, and FX.
DANNY
All right good meeting.
JANE
Cal. (whispers) We lost Jack White.
CAL
Danny.
DANNY
Yo!
JANE
Jack White has acute tonsillitis.
DANNY
Well, I don't know who that is, but do whatever we do. Send flowers to the hospital, or a basket of something… (walks away, then realizes it and stops.) Jack White?
CAL
Yeah.
DANNY
The White Stripes.
CAL
Yeah.
DANNY
We don't have a musical guest.
JANE
No.
DANNY
Find out who's around, who’s not touring or dead yet. Kanye, Foo Fighters, Dave Matthews, Stone Temple Pilots-
JANE
Stone temple Pilots broke up three years ago.
DANNY
Get em back together Jane, get me a list in two hours. Hey --
SIMON
Hey, I was going to see Matt.
DANNY
What the hell was that yesterday?
SIMON
What the hell was what?
DANNY
What do you think of the season premiere, what do you think of Tom’s Bill Frist?
SIMON
Danny, I-
DANNY
I haven't watched the show since I left. You know that, so you were either trying to embarass me, or making a point.
SIMON
I would never try to embarrass you.
DANNY
Then what's your point?
SIMON
You're here because you failed a drug test and you can't direct movies for two years. That was new information. You want me to be grateful because you’re slumming in TV for two years?
DANNY
Holy hell, Sim, I’m here, okay? I’m here. The show was going to go to Ricky and Ron and I’m here. What do you want from me?
SIMON
You left us with Ricky and Ron.
DANNY
Is this about why I’m here, or why I left?
SIMON
Hey, you know --
DANNY
I left because I was standing by Matt, where were you standing?
SIMON
Me?
DANNY
Yeah.
SIMON
I was standing by the show.
(MATT’s office)
DANNY
How's it going?
MATT
Good. Can the White Stripes play for an hour and a half?
DANNY
Jack White's got acute tonsilitis. They can’t play at all. Jane’s working on it.
MATT
Okay. (rips The White Stripes index card off the schedule) Yeah that's better.
TOM
[entering in a Jack White costume] Heh heh heh, check it out.
MATT
What are you?
TOM
Danny said that you were choking, and Harriet and I have a White Stripes impression if you want to write a sketch.
DANNY
I didn't say you were choking and we don’t have the White Stripes.
TOM
Really?
DANNY
Yeah.
TOM
Then I'm just a guy in a wig.
MATT
Yeah.
CAL
Hey.
MATT
Hey.
CAL
Look, don't grip it too tight, Matty. It’s just Tuesday.
MATT
Gave the staff a lecture on clothing before.
DANNY
I heard.
MATT
Couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth, but apparently I felt pretty strongly about it. I don't have a cold open. Unless we find Bin Laden between now and Friday night, we’re gonna have people’s attention for the open. It needs to be too many things.
DANNY
What does it need to be?
MATT
Self-deprecating, an acknowledgement, an acceptance.
DANNY
A message from the producers?
MATT
Should be on a grand scale.
DANNY
What's a grand scale?
MATT
A song. A big song, a musical number.
DANNY
All right.
MATT
Should pay respect to where we are, this studio, this city.
DANNY
Keep talking…
MATT
I'm trying.
TOM
We take the show seriously, but we don’t take ourselves seriously.
MATT
That's right
TOM
We screwed up, but we won't do it again.
MATT
Yeah.
CAL
We'll be model citizens.
MATT
We'll be a model... We'll be a model... You know who did the best frat humor of all time?
TOM
Rudy Valle.
CAL
Groucho Marx.
DANNY
It was W. S. Gilbert.
MATT
We'll be the very model of a modern network TV show.
SIMON
We hope that you don't mind that our producer was caught doing blow.
CAL
(kinda chuckles, but nobody says a thing until they see how Danny reacts.)
DANNY
Yes.
MATT
Yes!
TOM
(laughs)
MATT
What do we have that says legacy of television, like Arturo Toscanini and the NBC orchestra?
DANNY
Jane!
MATT
What do we have that says…
DANNY
Jane! Jane!
JANE
I'm just coming to see you, I'm on hold with Clay Aiken's manager.
SIMON
Then hang up the damn phone.
DANNY
We need John Maucheri and the West Coast Philharmonic.
MATT
We're also gonna need the LA light opera chorus, and if you can’t get them, try the LA Phil or the USC or UCLA orchestras.
DANNY
Whoever it is, it's got to read Los Angeles, they gotta be able to play.
JANE
Is this a joke?
MATT
We're counting on it.
DANNY
No.
MATT
Okay, now we just need to write the song and the rest of the show.
DANNY
Cal, we can start production.
CAL
I'll get everyone together.
DANNY
Tom, Simon, go home, get a change of clothes and your shaving kit. It’s us this week.
TOM
Harriet too?
MATT
Harriet too.
SIMON
Listen.
DANNY
Forget it. Let's work.
SIMON
All right.
DANNY
It's just a clock.
CUE CARD: FRIDAY
[Outside Studio 60]
REPORTER
Police estimating the number of protestors between two and three hundred, many holding signs reading “NBS equals god haters.” No comment from any of the more senior members of the Studio 60 staff. Live in Hollywood, I’m Jane Yamamoto reporting.
[Backstage]
MATT
Go. Tom, the second page of that, the fourth line, I swear it just has to be three words shorter.
TOM
And end in an odd number.
MATT
Seventeen.
TOM
Got it.
MATT
These are good to go. Floor managers and then the control room. That’s it, thanks.
DANNY
Yeah, 17's a much funnier number than 15.
MATT
As a matter, it is. I got time enough for a shower, right?
DANNY
Quick one.
MATT
Eight o clock at night, it's 102 degrees in September because there's a hole in the sky, these people have been standing in the ticket line for over an hour. Can we spritz them down with something?
DANNY
Maybe they can hop in the shower with you?
MATT
I'm not kidding.
DANNY
The pages are passing out cold lemonade.
MATT
Can we open the doors early?
DANNY
Soon as Willy and the band are ready.
MATT
Look at that.
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
You know, in an hour and a half it'll be empty again.
DANNY
Would you... you know, would you just enjoy the moment? Would you please just live in what's happening right now and not just time travel to the next- Man… could you be just a little more Jewish? It was a spectacular dress, Matt! It was the best! I've never seen a dress go that well, and neither have you, So for the love of god, in the name of all that is holy,
MATT
I get it.
DANNY
Would you please!
MATT
I'm gonna take a shower, was there something you came to see me about?
DANNY
Yes.
MATT
What?
DANNY
We don't need to do it now, but at some point I'm gonna you to level with me about Harriet. I need to know how big a problem it's gonna be.
MATT
It's not gonna be a problem at all.
DANNY
It will if you're in love with her.
MATT
I'm not. I'm not. Danny. I love her talent. The woman's got millions of fans, but there are maybe 50 guys in town who really understand how good she is and we're two of them. That’s all, I admire her. I'm knocked out by her talent. I like it when she makes me laugh and I like making her laugh, which isn't an easy thing to do, so it's gratifying. She's undeniably sexy, and I like it when she smiles at me, and a couple of other things, but that's it.
DANNY
Oh my god, we are so screwed.
MATT
I know.
OVERHEAD
Thirty minutes until showtime everyone. Thirty minutes.
[Dressing Rooms]
JEANNIE
It was thoughtless of... Sorry.
HARRIET
I didn't see you.
JEANNIE
It was thoughtless to blurt it out in the meeting and I'm very sorry. I love him to death but we're friends. And when we're both without somebody, sometimes we wind up with each other.
HARRIET
(breaks sugar bottle over her head) Eat em up, Jeannie with the light brown hair.
JEANNIE
Eat em up.
DANNY
Thank you. Hey Celia, does he look good to you?
CELIA
He always looks good to me.
DANNY
Then can I have him for a second?
CELIA
Yes sir.
DANNY
Your second year of the show was my last. And at the beginning of that season, you were pissed because Jamie Foxx had beaten you out for the part in Stone's movie, the football movie.
SIMON
Yeah.
DANNY
You were pissed Jamie, you were pissed at Will Smith, you were pissed at Denzel and you came into my office and you said “I just graduated from Yale Drama and I don’t belong here.” And so I was pissed at you, cause I do belong here.
SIMON
I belong here too.
DANNY
I know.
SIMON
So don't fire me.
DANNY
Why the hell would I do that?
SIMON
Cause I can't do the voices.
DANNY
What?
SIMON
I can't do the voices. With the “Jelloooo pudding pops.” I can’t do the voices.
DANNY
Holy god, Sim, that’s what you’re worried about?
SIMON
Ricky and Ron are-
DANNY
Hacks?!
SIMON
They've been saying I need to do voices, that I need to learn-
DANNY
When did Wes let those guys take the show? When did it happen? That's why Matt didn’t understand what the writers were wearing. When did he stop running the show?
SIMON
You can't be too hard on Wes. People get tired and you guys were like his sons, and he didn't stand up for you and he knew it.
DANNY
We never asked him to.
SIMON
Doesn't matter.
DANNY
We're starting over. We're gonna get you doing what you’re good at. Including, starting next week, you're gonna co-anchor the news.
SIMON
You're kidding.
DANNY
No. And that Cosby wasn’t bad, by the way.
SIMON
Yeah, it was.
DANNY
Yeah, it was.
SIMON
“…Jello pudding pops.”
[Control room]
FEMALE HEADSET VOICE
327 live, we’re standing by.
MALE HEADSET VOICE
327 live, standing by.
[Balcony outside of MATT’s office]
JACK
You know what, Mary? You’ve got spunk.
JACK AND JORDAN
I hate spunk.
JACK
See? I like television too.
JORDAN
What was the final tally?
JACK
Terra Haute, Missoula, Twin Falls, Oklahoma City and Little Rock - Pine Bluff. Four local sponsors, three national sponsors.
JORDAN
That's not too bad.
JACK
And I had to change my email address. Twice.
JORDAN
Frogs didn't fall from the sky?
JACK
JMc, if the ratings start to dip next week, or if America doesn’t find Crazy Christians as funny as you do, frogs falling from the sky is gonna seem like Club med compared to what happens next. They never lose, Jordan. They always win.
JORDAN
And they might this time, but I’m not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who’ve dropped out, we’ll welcome them back in. At 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We’re gonna be the first network to charge a coward fee.
JACK
I hate spunk.
[Backstage]
DANNY
Cards, take to camera.
FEMALE
You got it.
DANNY
Let's go… All right! Huddle up! (the cast gathers) I've been watching you all this week and I gotta tell ya, I love what I see. Matt?
MATT
The audience was standing out in the heat for a pretty long time, people don’t laugh as much when they’re hot cause they’re sticky and uncomfortable.
DANNY
All right, good pep talk. Uh, whose turn is it?
TOM
Uh, Harry's.
HARRIET
Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe and father of us all. Thank you for giving us one of your greatest gifts, a sense of humor. And if you have time, please make something heavy fall on Matthew's head. We say this prayer in the name of your son Jesus Christ, who had to have been funny to get so many people to listen to Him. Blessed art thou, forever and ever. Amen.
ALL
Amen. (whispered cheer) Whaaah!
DANNY
Let's go!
HARRIET
I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch, what did I do wrong?
MATT
It's one laugh out of thirty you’re gonna get tonight.
HARRIET
What did I do wrong?
MATT
You asked for the laugh.
HARRIET
What did I do at the table reading?
MATT
You asked for the butter... Good show.
HARRIET
Good show.
[Director’s chair]
DANNY
How's it looking back there?
CAL
[Over headset] We got a problem.
DANNY
What?
CAL
We blew a circuit and there was a small fire. The fire’s out, but I’m only gonna have one camera for a while.
DANNY
What the hell are you talkin about-
[Control Room]
CAL
Nah I'm just kidding, we're all set.
DANNY
Oh you scared hell out of me.
CAL
It's a comedy show, dude, welcome back. In thirty seconds. Alright, here we go, let’s go! Let’s go!
LILLY
15 seconds.
CAL
Ready one, stand by now. (beat) Alright here we go. Big show. Ready camera one.
[Stage]
HERB
Ladies and gentlemen. John Marcheri And the West Coast Philharmonic, joined by the Los Angeles Light Opera Chorus and the cast of Studio 60
CAST
We’ll be the very model of a modern network TV show
Each time that we walk into this august and famous studio
We’re starting out from scratch after a run of twenty years and so
We hope that you don’t mind that our producer was caught doing blow
CHORUS
They hope that you don’t mind that their producer was caught doing blow
They hope that you don’t mind that their producer was caught doing blow
They hope that you don’t mind that their producer was caught doing lots of blow
TOM and ALEX
Yes it’s hard to be a player when at heart you’ve always had a hunch
To bite the hand that feeds you is a scary way of doing lunch
SIMON and DYLAN
But still when we walk in to this august and famous studio
We’ll be the very model of a modern network TV show
CHORUS
But still when they walk into this august and famous studio
They’ll be the very model of a modern network TV show
HARRIET
I am a Christian tried and true baptized at age eleven so
Unlike the liberals, gays, and Jews I’m going straight to heaven
JEANNIE
But if you feel you’ve been cheated and our sordid content lets you down
HARRIET, JEANNIE and SAM
We’ll happily do the favor of an intellectual reach around
CHORUS
They’ll happily do the favor of an intellectual reach around
They’ll happily do the favor of an intellectual reach around
They’ll happily do the favor of a hundred dollar hooker’s reach around
HARRIET
That wasn’t the same thing we said… [Audience cheers]
CHORUS
They’ll happily do the favor of a verbal euphemistic reach around
CAST
We know the Evangelicals are lining up to tag our toe
And then the corporations will not hesitate to pull their dough
But still when we walk into this august and famous studio
We’ll be the very model of a modern network TV show
CHORUS
But still when they walk into this august and famous studio
They’ll be the very model of a modern network TV show
But still when they walk into this august and famous studio
They’ll be the very model of a modern network TV show
HERB
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday Night in Hollywood!
