Episode 1 :
Danny: What are you smiling about?
Matt: It's a nice studio. It's a great facility with an incredible history. I feel privileged to be here.
Danny: You like it?
Matt: Yeah.
Danny: Good, 'cause we live here now.
Jerry: What do you want me to say to the 50 million people who are gonna go out of their minds as soon as it airs?
Wes: Well first of all, you can tell 'em we average 9 million households so at least 41 million of them are full of crap. Second, you can tell 'em that living where there's free speech means sometimes you're gonna get offended.
Wes: (on air) You should change the channel right now, or better yet turn off the TV.
Lilly: (in control room) Does anybody know what the hell is going on?
(audience laughs)
Wes: (on air) No, I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow you're gonna find out it wasn't and I'll have been fired by then. This isn't supposed--this isn't a sketch.
Cal: (in control room) This is for real.
Wes: (on air) This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We were about to do a sketch you've already seen 500 times. Yes, no one's gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton, we get it. We're all being lobotomized by the country's most influential industry which has thrown in the towel on any endeavor that does not include the courting of 12-year-old boys. And not event the smart 12-year-olds, the stupid ones, the idiots, of which there are plenty thanks in no small part to this network. So change the channel, turn off the TV. Do it right now.
Danny: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television.
Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack: He failed a drug test?
Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Shoulda trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt: (to Danny) Sorry about that, that one was all me. (to everyone) Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.
Jack: Wesley!
Wes: Yeah!
Jack: You're fired!
Wes: No kidding!
Matt: Where the hell did you go?
Danny: Sorry about that.
Matt: I said "He's never not been there for me," then there was a follow-spot on a basket of dinner rolls.
Felicity Huffman: (when asked to choose between a slutty or a very slutty dress) I need the very slutty dress and somebody else to wear it.
Jack: The remark about worm eating and "Who Wants To Screw My Sister"? He was talking about our shows?
Michael: We don't know.
(Jordan chuckles.)
Jack: Is there something funny about this, Jordan?
Jordan: Oh God, Jack, there's like seven things funny about this. We're not sure which sister-pimping show he was talking about?
Matt: It's going to be our show now, and only one of use can screw up at a time. And I think we both know that most of the time it's going to be me.
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Episode 2 :
Matt: One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.
Reporter: Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as "a candy-assed network" and "a greed-filled whorehouse of a network"?
Jordan: Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. (audience laughs) Until we realized he wasn't talking about FOX, he was talking about us.
Veronica: Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?
Jordan: I can't remember. I was high at the time.
Reporter: What is the division between the work?
Danny: Matt will do the work, I will take the credit.
Harriet: I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch. I didn't get it at the dress. What did I do wrong?
Matt: You asked for the laugh.
Harriet: What did I do at the table read?
Matt: You asked for the butter.
Harriet: I want my body to look like yours.
Jeannie: I want my talent to look like yours.
Harriet: My mom used to say, "if Jesus is your copilot, you should trade seats".
Jordan: (on stage) They are irreverent, they are brilliant. They will make us laugh, they will make think, they will make us talk and they will make us proud.
Danny: Easy does it, lady.
Jordan: (on stage) They will return Studio 60 to its former glory as the flagship program of NBS And NBS will return to its former place as America's greatest broadcast network. And if you don't believe me, tune in Friday night at 11:30.
Danny: No.
Matt: By the way, this latest career move of ours?
Danny: Pretty stupid?
Matt: Yeah.
Jordan: (on stage) ...friends of mine, and old friends to the network, Matthew Albie and Danny Tripp.
(Matt and Danny step out onto the stage.)
Danny: (leaning over to whisper in Jordan's ear) Stick around okay? When we're done I need to choke you to death.
Jordan: You bet.
Danny: How's it going?
Matt: Good. Can the White Stripes play for an hour and a half?
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Episode 3 :
Danny : No comedian you admire has ever been afraid of silence !
Ron: Matt . . .
Matt: (about the power outage) Well, we need to find out why this is happening.
Ricky: Yep.
Matt: Electricity plays a pretty big part in what we do here.
Danny: Cal's guys are trying to figure out what's going on.
Matt: That's good, because everything we do here plugs into a socket.
(about the power outage)
Danny: Are they fixing it?
Cal: In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Danny: What does that mean?
Cal: They don't know how to fix it.
Danny: How much about this do I want to know?
Cal: As little as possible.
Danny: Okay.
Jordan: I'll be out of your way in a minute.
Matt: Sure, what do you need?
Danny: She wants us to make fun of her.
Matt: Okay, well, your teeth are pretty big.
Jordan: No.
Danny: She wants you know it's okay with her if you make fun of her arrest.
Jordan: Thanks, I can speak for myself.
Danny: Go ahead.
Jordan: My teeth are fine.
Matt: Okay.
Jordan: I'm saying you shouldn't give me special treatment.
Matt: No, because I wouldn't want anybody to think I was a pussy boy.
Jordan: You're a pussy boy?
Danny: Don't worry about it, I'll be around.
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Episode 4:
(about a bat a baseball player had given Harriet)
Matt: … he wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?
Harriet: That's his phone number?
Matt: What did you think it was?
Harriet: I just thought it was his uniform number. You know, they sign their name, and then write the number…
Matt: Yeah, they do… do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 786 thousand, 5? Hon— he was asking you out.
Samantha: Did you give him the bat?
Harriet: Yes.
Samantha: Did he like it?
Harriet: I'm not sure. It was hard to tell from the way he was shoving it up my ass.
Tom: Did you get the boot?
Matt: I gave back the boot, along with most of my dignity!
Tom: I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me.
Matt: I kind of wish you'd put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed.
Cal: Harry, are you gonna have time after Meet the Press to get out and in for News 60?
Harriet: What is it, 2:20?
Cal: Yeah.
Harriet: I can make the change with twenty seconds to spare.
Cal: Really?
Harriet: Unless you want me wearing clothes.
Cal: Well, I don't...
Ricky: The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job. We both talked to him and in no uncertain terms he screwed up huge and he knows up, but I'm not gonna end his career over it. 'Cause I know how he feels. And that's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room. People aren't even going for funny any more, Matt. They're just trying for your respect. Anyway, we told Danny. We'll step down if you want, but we're not giving him up.
(pause)
Matt: Well, now you've got my respect.
Danny: Alright, here we go, just like we did it three hours ago - only, you know, legal.
Tom: I'd like to be your wingman.
Matt: Well, I appreciate that, but I'm not flying anywhere.
Tom: You need a wingman and you've always been mine.
Matt: I have?
Tom: You could start.
Harriet: You know, maybe the reason Darren Wells and I get along so well is that he likes to both talk and listen.
Matt: Or maybe the reason they get along so well is that they have roughly the same chance of getting a hit in a major league baseball game.
Harriet: I loathe you.
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Episode 5:
(while watching Sting rehearse)
Harriet: It's such a beautiful instrument.
Martha O'Dell: Sting or the lute?
Matt: What are you writing about, Martha?
Martha: I don't know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that, for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.
Martha: How are you different from your mother?
Harriet: I hope in as few ways as possible.
Danny: I don't think the show is quite right for your network.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: It's good.
Tom: (to the audience) Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office, where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this "the Friday night slaughter." This is where you find out if you have the chance to be the next Bill Murray, or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy.
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Episode 6 :
When you say that you write the show, what does that mean exactly ?
Lauren Graham: Why did you cut my sketch?
Matt: It wasn’t funny
Lauren Graham: I thought it was funny.
Matt: I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren’t very good.
Lauren Graham: Really? Because I thought the writing was one unbearably long set up for a jingle.
Matt: And that’s why I cut the sketch, you were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Lauren Graham: Gilmore Girls
Danny: I wrote it down for you.
Willy: Jeannie, you were 15 seconds long on Comedia, we had to steal it from News 60
Jeannie: I know, people laughed, I was as surprised as anybody
Willy: Try not to be funny; we’re doing a TV show
Jeannie: Got it.
(about the three girls Danny picked up for Matt)
Danny: Okay, so they didn't break the bank on their SATs.
Matt: How long ago did they take the SATs?
(about the studio while drunk)
Jordan: So, I’m hiding here tonight; this is like for me Superman’s dome of pleasure.
Cal: Fortress of solitude?
Jordan: Yes!
Cal: Well, enjoy yourself.
Jordan: I believe I will.
