MATT
Previously on Studio 60…
WHITE
On Monday I’m going to start to build a city in China. There’s an American consortium including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand…. We’re investing $20 billion in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia.
WHITE
We are this close. I just drove us 99 yards down the field. Take us the last yard. Put it in the damn house.
TITLE: THE CHRISTMAS SHOW
[OB/GYN waiting room]
JORDAN
It’s strange that you’re here.
DANNY
I don’t think so.
JORDAN
Really?
DANNY
There are lots of men here.
JORDAN
They’re the fathers.
DANNY
You think all of them?
JORDAN
[to room] Excuse me. Are there any men here who are neither the husband nor the father? [Danny raises his hand.] Get your hand down.
DANNY
[reading from “Expectant” magazine] “At 12 weeks a healthy baby would be about 2 inches long and weigh less than an ounce. If you’re under 35 –“
JORDAN
I’m under 35.
DANNY
This is no time for vanity.
JORDAN
I’m under 35.
DANNY
All right, so you’re under 35. Then you’re not considered a high-risk mother and as a result no… what’s that word?
JORDAN
Amniocentesis.
DANNY
Good. No amniocentesis is required. If you were under 35, then what we’ve gotta do is stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach and get some fluid out of your prenatal girth.
JORDAN
Why are you here?
DANNY
Morale.
JORDAN
I really don’t need help.
DANNY
Not now, but you will soon, because this says you’re going to have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
JORDAN
Danny.
DANNY
Wait, that can’t be you.
JORDAN
No.
DANNY
That’s an Alaskan king crab that has to do that.
JORDAN
Yeah.
DANNY
Why won’t you tell me who the father is?
JORDAN
You don’t know him.
DANNY
I don’t want to know him.
JORDAN
How do you know?
DANNY
Because if it was someone I wanted to know, he’d be here.
JORDAN
What makes you think I told him?
DANNY
‘Cause I do know you.
NURSE
Jordan?
JORDAN
Thank you. Yes, I told him.
DANNY
[in a voice reminiscent of Jack] “Well, it’s entirely up to you, kitten –“
JORDAN
Yeah.
DANNY
“—but I’ll pay for everything; no worries in that department.”
[Doctor’s room]
NURSE
You can step behind the partition and put on this gown.
JORDAN
Thank you.
DANNY
Thanks a lot. So, who was it?
JORDAN
My ex-boyfriend.
DANNY
Whoa.
JORDAN
Yes.
DANNY
Wait.
JORDAN
Ironic.
DANNY
The guy from Great Western Mutual who ratted me out on the drug test?
JORDAN
Yep.
DANNY
Was sleeping with him to get that information really worth it?
JORDAN
I didn’t sleep with him to get the information; he gave me the information so he could sleep with me.
DANNY
Still, integrity all over the place.
JORDAN
This is the time for a lecture?
DANNY
No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the Last Honest Man get loaded on Jagermeister and forget that there’s like 500 different types of birth control?
DOCTOR
Jordan.
JORDAN
How are you?
DANNY
Daniel Tripp.
DOCTOR
Ah, the husband.
JORDAN
We’re not married.
DOCTOR
The boyfriend, then.
DANNY
No, I’m the executive producer.
DOCTOR
Oh, hey, you’re Danny Tripp.
DANNY
Yes, sir.
DOCTOR
The show’s great.
DANNY
Thanks a lot.
DOCTOR
I just love Nicholas Cage in all the different jobs you’ve got him in… ah, what is it… couples’ counselor, shop teacher…
DANNY
Thanks, I’ll pass that along.
JORDAN
Uh, fellas? I’m a little exposed here.
DOCTOR
Let’s get started.
JORDAN
You’re not planning on staying and watching, are you?
DANNY
No, this stuff makes me a little queasy. I’m just going to step over here, but I’m right here for you.
JORDAN
I don’t know how I got so lucky.
DOCTOR
There is a small chance we can determine the sex on ultrasound. Are you interested?
JORDAN
No. Yes! No! Yes! NO!
DANNY
She’ll take yes. And by the way, Doc, if you don’t detect any maleness on the first pass, don’t necessarily assume it’s a girl. The biological father’s only a fraction of a man to begin with.
DOCTOR
Is that right?
JORDAN
Stop it.
DANNY
He’s an executive at my studio’s insurance company. He gave Jordan privileged information in order to sleep with her. He’s a real stand-up guy, though, he offered to pay for everything.
DOCTOR
Oh, jackass.
DANNY
Thank you, sir.
DOCTOR
Have you told anyone?
JORDAN
Just my assistant Kevin, that’s it.
DOCTOR
And Mr. Tripp.
JORDAN
I had to tell him.
DANNY
She wanted to.
JORDAN
I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn’t going to force a B-12 injection on me.
DOCTOR
You just described the beginning of every great love story.
DANNY
No one else knows?
JORDAN
You don’t tell people until after the 12th week, and this is the 12th week.
DOCTOR
Well, guess what?
JORDAN
What?
DOCTOR
Start telling people.
DANNY
We’re having a baby?
JORDAN
I’m having a baby.
DANNY
Relax, you’ll be involved.
MAIN CREDITS
[Writers’ room]
MATT
[carrying a Charlie Brown Christmas tree] Good morning. Everybody have a good weekend?
LUCY AND DARIUS
Yeah.
ANDY
Matt?
MATT
Yeah?
ANDY
What’s that?
MATT
It’s a Christmas tree.
DARIUS
Really.
MATT
Yeah.
ANDY
What are you, Linus?
MATT
Yes. Yes, I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
DARIUS
You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.
MATT
Okay, Ebenezer. First of all, all Christmas trees are dead; they’ve been chopped down. Second of all, I forgive you for slagging my tree, for I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas. Andy, what have we got?
ANDY
We have a Year in Review theme.
MATT
Okay.
ANDY
Lucy.
LUCY
Uh, something where the Yugoslavians honor all the famous people who died in 2006 and it’s just a series of glamour shots of Milosevic.
MATT
Maybe.
LUCY
Killer spinach on trial.
MATT
Okay.
DARIUS
A day without a Mexican, “Brokeback Mountain”…
LUCY
Kim Jong Il…
MATT
Okay. But what about Christmas?
ANDY
What about it?
MATT
It’s our Christmas show.
ANDY
Yeah, I thought we’d ignore that.
MATT
Why?
ANDY
‘Cause Wes always ignored it.
MATT
I know that, but you know why?
ANDY
‘Cause it’s L.A. and it’s 85 degrees outside.
MATT
We’re doing a Christmas show.
ANDY
L.A. just doesn’t feel like Christmas.
MATT
We’re going to make it feel like Christmas.
LUCY
We can put your tree on the stage and it’ll be just like Dickensian London.
MATT
Hey, that happens to be a noble fir. Those things grow to be over 200 feet tall!
DARIUS
Yeah, I don’t think that one’s gonna make it.
MATT
How is it that I’m Jewish and I’m the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it, how is it that I’m the only Jew in a comedy writers’ room?
ANDY
All good questions, but take some advice from your Protestant brothers: let’s do the Year in Review and screw Christmas.
MATT
Screw Christmas?
DARIUS
Uh oh.
MATT
Not on my watch! Look, I hate Los Angeles like everybody else, but I have to work here because in any other part of the country I’m unemployable. So, we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly. I want to hear sketch ideas with Santa and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.
DARIUS
Hey, we could set the tree on –
MATT
Shut up!
[Hallway.]
CAL
Hey.
MATT
How are ya?
CAL
Good. You know anybody who got hit in the earthquake?
MATT
There was an earthquake?
CAL
4.1, about 10 miles northwest of Fontana. About a dozen injuries and some houses came down, but the real damage was to the freeway.
MATT
The 10?
CAL
Yeah.
MATT
What happened to it?
CAL
Well, it split in half, basically. There was like a 15 foot chasm. It’s a miracle no car fell head-first into the thing.
MATT
A Christmas miracle.
CAL
That’s right!
MATT
You know, Wes never did a Christmas show.
CAL
I know, he always thought it was cheesy from L.A.
MATT
It doesn’t have to be.
CAL
It doesn’t have to be. This is a TV studio; we can do any kind of magic we want.
MATT
We could do the magic of Christmas.
CAL
We absolutely can.
MATT
I don’t have anything written yet, but we’re gonna need a lot of snow.
CAL
That could be a problem.
MATT
Why?
CAL
‘Cause our set-dressing warehouses are in Fontana.
MATT
And?
CAL
They collapsed.
MATT
Really.
CAL
Well, not all the way. But enough.
[Danny’s office]
MATT
Thanks for showing up to work. What are you doing?
DANNY
Trying to find out if anyone who works here is injured or dead.
CAL
Everyone’s fine.
DANNY
A couple warehouses came down.
CAL
Those things are made out of Jiffy-Pop. They’ll be back up again at the end of the week.
MATT
But in the mean time, we need snow.
DANNY
What’s he talking about?
MATT
The three of us are going to bring some holiday romance to this city. I’m the miracle on the Sunset Strip, and you’re, you know, two other guys.
DANNY
[getting off the phone] Thank you. [to Matt] Excellent.
MATT
Seriously.
DANNY
I’m with you.
MATT
Our snow is one of those warehouses.
DANNY
Can we make our own?
CAL
Sure!
DANNY
How?
CAL
Bubbles?
DANNY
Sure, if this were a Don Ho Christmas. Do we really need snow?
MATT
Yeah, we need snow! We need snowbanks, snowmen, snowballs –
CAL
Snowballs!
MATT
What about them?
CAL
The, uh, the things! The, uh, pink marshmallows with the, uh, coconut on top. Shaved coconut!
MATT
Beautiful. And they’re indigenous to L.A.
DANNY
No, they’re not.
MATT
They grow on palm trees!
DANNY
Not ours.
MATT
What do ours do?
DANNY
Nothing.
MATT
This city needs me.
DANNY
Yeah, we all do. Listen, close the door, would you? The reason I was late this morning is I was at the doctor’s.
MATT
What’s wrong?
DANNY
Nothing, I’m fine. It was an OB/GYN. Jordan’s pregnant.
MATT
You’re kidding.
CAL
You’re kidding.
DANNY
No.
MATT
Who’s the father?
DANNY
The guy from the insurance company who outed me.
CAL
Wow.
DANNY
Yeah. He wants to pay for it, but that’s it, so I’m going to have him shove his wallet up his ass.
MATT
Danny?
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
Why were you at the doctor?
DANNY
Hm?
MATT
Why were you at the doctor?
DANNY
I wanted to be.
[Outside Jack’s office]
JORDAN
[to Jack’s assistant] How’s his mood?
JACK
[behind his door] SON OF A HOLY BITCH!
JORDAN
Never mind.
JACK
SON OF A HOLY, GOD-FORSAKEN BITCH!
[Jack’s office]
JACK
I’m gonna get a gun. I swear to God I am!
JORDAN
Take your medicine.
JACK
There is no medicine! There is no law!
JORDAN
What happened?
JACK
We did the news. Which, by the way, we’re required by the federal government to do, that’s been the deal. We get free use of the airwaves to broadcast your entertainment shows, in exchange for which we provide the public with informational programming. We call that the “NBS Nightly News”. At the moment we’re fighting two wars, so the news division thinks we should cover that, and I agree with them!
JORDAN
What happened, Jack?
JACK
An embedded reporter did a live remote last night about school rebuilding in Charikar, Afghanistan. Our guy’s interviewing a private when an RPG screams over their head.
JORDAN
What’s an RPG?
JACK
A rocket propelled grenade. It explodes into the rocks, and the private shouts a word.
JORDAN
What word?
JACK
A word I don’t use with women.
JORDAN
He said “f—“
JACK
Yes. Same word anyone would use. Same word Mr. Rogers would use if a rocket propelled grenade missed him by 50 feet.
JORDAN
Don’t tell me.
JACK
The FCC says it was indecent. They’re going to fine us $325,000 per affiliate that aired the news report!
JORDAN
That’s insane!
JACK
No kidding.
JORDAN
It was a live news report!
JACK
You have to understand that pro-family groups support our troops in this time of war, just as long as we don’t have to see or hear what our troops fighting a war looks and sounds like. What do you need?
JORDAN
Well, I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant; I’m, I’m due in the middle of May.
JACK
What?
JORDAN
I’m pregnant?
JACK
You’re having a baby?
JORDAN
Yes.
JACK
That’s fantastic.
JORDAN
Really?
JACK
Who’s the father?
JORDAN
An old boyfriend I got together with for a night. It’s not very, you know…
JACK
I’m sorry I yelled. Have a seat.
JORDAN
Fight ‘em, Jack! Take them to federal court; it’s a First Amendment issue!
JACK
First Amendment doesn’t apply to broadcast television.
JORDAN
They’ll look ridiculous in public and they’ll back down.
JACK
Says you.
JORDAN
They will.
JACK
If they don’t, they’ll pull our transponder license, the one we use to beam our programs to the affiliates. Then they’ll take the licenses from the affiliates… they’ll end the network.
JORDAN
It’s the news, Jack. Lawyer up.
JACK
Congratulations on the baby.
[Studio 60 hallway]
MATT
[to a staffer] Merry Christmas!
[Suzanne’s desk]
SUZANNE
Oh, God, I’m sorry!
MATT
What are you doing?
SUZANNE
I was going to throw my beach stuff in the laundry.
MATT
When were you at the beach?
SUZANNE
Yesterday.
MATT
Isn’t the sand on the floor now?
SUZANNE
That’s better than a broken washing machine.
MATT
Wouldn’t shaking the sand out of the towel back at the beach be the best of all, and could we turn off “Hot Fun in the Summertime”?
SUZANNE
Sure, what would you like to listen to?
MATT
Mr. Bing Crosby, Mr. Burl Ives…
SUZANNE
Perry Como.
MATT
Mr. Perry Como, wait. Was that a dig at Christmas?
SUZANNE
At you.
MATT
Okay. Am I still on for racquetball at lunch?
SUZANNE
No, you’re not. Zane’s out sick the whole week.
MATT
Oh, man.
SUZANNE
You want me to find you someone else?
MATT
It’s not the racquetball, it’s his trumpet. We’re not going to have his trumpet?
CAL
Hey!
MATT
What do you know?
CAL
Go ahead and write in all the snow you want; we just bought a truckload of coconuts.
MATT
Excellent. Hey, did you hear Zane’s out for the week?
CAL
Yeah, but Willy says he’s got a good sub.
TOM
Hey, you wanted us?
MATT
Yeah.
CAL
I’ll see ya!
MATT
Yeah.
TOM
[singing] “Hot fun in the summertime…”
MATT
Turn it off.
SIMON
What’d’you need?
MATT
Any Christmas ideas you might have.
TOM
There’s no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
SIMON
Jesus was born in North Africa. How come in paintings it always looks like he’s one of the Bee-Gees?
MATT
All right, Christmas ideas that don’t shriek of meanness.
SIMON
Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people.
MATT
Perhaps, but this is about everyone raising a glass of wassail.
SIMON
Of what?
MATT
Wassail. “Here we go a-wassailing…”
TOM
It was a comet.
MATT
What?
TOM
The star. Of Bethlehem; they saw a comet and they went to the manger with a lamb, a camel, and a kid with a fife.
MATT
A drum! A boy on a drum! A little drummer, there’s a whole song. It doesn’t matter; go downstairs and help these guys pitch me.
TOM
This could be a good chance to let Lucy get to know me.
SIMON
He likes Lucy now.
TOM
With the eyes and the face and everything.
SIMON
She’s got a great face.
TOM
Hey, step back.
SIMON
What, I like her face!
TOM
Aren’t you about a hundred years old?
SIMON
Aren’t you only marginally talented?
MATT
All right, Santa’s helpers? Out the door.
SIMON
It’s a great face, but the mouth?
TOM
I will beat you up.
SIMON
Hah hah, good one, Tommy. You’re as cute as a button.
MATT
Mondays, it’s like the dementia grows by… I’m not even talking to anybody right now. Suzanne!
SUZANNE
[on phone] Yeah, okay. Gotta go. [to Matt] I called K-Earth 101, I told them Matthew Albie wants to hear some Perry Como.
MATT
You didn’t.
SUZANNE
Nah, Christmas joke.
MATT
Can you get me Harriet?
SUZANNE
She’s out at lunch with Luke Scott.
MATT
All right. Wait, what?
[Outdoor restaurant.]
HARRIET
What kind of jerk has their agent set up a lunch?
LUKE
Well, I don’t know, Harriet, what kind of jerks are there? I mean, what are my choices?
HARRIET
I should have said no.
LUKE
But you didn’t.
HARRIET
It’s Christmas.
LUKE
What are your plans?
HARRIET
Well, we’re off until the second week in January, so Jeannie and Samantha and I rented a little place in Idaho and I’m gonna take skiing lessons.
LUKE
I didn’t mean for the holidays, I meant for the future.
HARRIET
What do you mean?
LUKE
What are your plans for the future?
HARRIET
Really just the show Friday night, and then the skiing lessons, and then the next show.
LUKE
How about a movie?
HARRIET
I’d love to. I can’t on weeknights, but pretty much every Saturday or Sunday is fine.
LUKE
Yeah, or we could make a movie.
HARRIET
Are you offering me a job?
LUKE
Welcome to the lunch. Yes.
HARRIET
You talking about the Rolling Stones movie, or something else?
LUKE
It’s not the Rolling Stones, it’s Brian Jones, who formed the Rolling Stones. His girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg, ran off with Keith Richards. Heath Ledger’s playing the part.
HARRIET
And you want me to play Tammy Wynette?
LUKE
No, I want you to play Anita Pallenberg.
HARRIET
You know, sometimes it’s hard to tell with you, Luke, when you’re kidding –
LUKE
You’ve got an ability well beyond comedy. I’ve boarded you for 20 shooting days which would spread across your hiatus weeks and you’d get an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress. Are you still mad at how the agent set up the lunch?
[Writers’ room]
LUCY
Here’s what we have so far: one of Santa’s reindeer, mildly traumatized by an accident last year, is reluctant to pull the sleigh, and so Santa brings in the Reindeer Whisperer.
TOM
[laughs outrageously] Lucy, that’s fantastic! I love that idea, I want to do it. I want to go with you guys to Matt and Danny.
LUCY
It was Darius’ pitch.
TOM
Then let me tell you why it’s iffy. The Horse Whisperer was, like, 10 years ago.
SIMON
I tell you what else, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer got their names wrong. It’s not Donner, it’s Dunder. And Blixum, not Blixen.
DARIUS
We Three Wise Guys. The characters from “GoodFellas” on camels.
TOM
Hang on. It’s not Dunder.
SIMON
“And he whistled and shouted and called them by name. ‘On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen. On Comet, on Cupid, on Dunder and Blixen.’” That was ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, a white guy writing a song for Montgomery Ward screwed up the names.
TOM
And ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas was written by Jesse Jackson?
DARIUS
We Three Wise Guys –
SIMON
Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three of them. There was never a camel, they didn’t travel from afar, it was six miles. And everything in the song was wrong.
DARIUS
It was Lucy’s pitch.
SIMON
Beautiful job, babe.
TOM
Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
SIMON
Okay, cool, why don’t you tell her about the time when everybody thought you were gay in high school?
ANDY
It’s a big help having you guys here.
CAL
Check it out.
ANDY
We really do need to work.
CAL
We’re going to make some prototype snow.
TOM
Excellent.
CAL
How do you open a coconut?
DARIUS
It’s actually pretty hard, they do it with, like, a machete.
CAL
Nah. Stand back, pieces might fly. [Cal slams the coconut on the table, and the table cracks in two.] Hmm.
[Danny’s office.]
HARRIET [on tape]
“Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to double his country’s population to 120 million people. In a recent speech to Parliament, Ahmadinejad – “
MATT
She’s got the slightest little overbite.
DANNY
We dipped in the frame twice.
MATT
Isn’t that cute?
DANNY
Howie may have been off his mark in the monologue.
MATT
You want to play some racquetball?
DANNY
I’m meeting with product placement people.
MATT
Hey, when’s Jordan due?
DANNY
Middle of May.
MATT
What’s she going to do about the upfronts?
DANNY
What is she going to do about the upfronts? The network’s going to have to make them earlier. Or later. They can’t do that. She’s gonna have to let someone else make the presentation. She can’t do that, either. It’s her first schedule; it’s the biggest day of the year for her.
MATT
Danny?
DANNY
Yeah?
MATT
You’re caring more about other people than you usually do.
DANNY
You’re the one who just said, “What’s she going to do about the upfronts?”
MATT
Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
DANNY
So was mine.
MATT
No, it wasn’t. It was genuine interest.
DANNY
Well, in case you haven’t noticed, she’s doing a good job.
MATT
And there you just defended her.
DANNY
What’s wrong with that?
MATT
For starters, no one’s attacking her.
DANNY
Go write!
MATT
Okay. [He goes to leave; Danny slams his desk.] What?
DANNY
Nothing.
MATT
Say it.
DANNY
Nothing.
MATT
Just say it out loud!
DANNY
Nothing.
MATT
Okay.
[Hallway]
MATT
Hello.
HARRIET
Hello.
MATT
How was Luke?
HARRIET
Good.
MATT
Lucas.
HARRIET
Good.
MATT
Lunch with Luke.
HARRIET
What is your problem?
MATT
It’s Luke.
HARRIET
I need to see Danny.
MATT
About what?
HARRIET
About a private conversation between me and Danny.
MATT
I’m an executive producer, too.
HARRIET
Yeah, but I need to speak to the one who’s important.
MATT
About Luke?
HARRIET
All right, why don’t we just get this over with now? I’ve been offered a part in his Rolling Stones movie.
MATT
Anita Pallenberg?
HARRIET
That’s right. How did you know?
MATT
I didn’t, but you’re great casting for that.
HARRIET
Really?
MATT
Yeah, it’s a great part. Brian, Keith, Mick Jagger, they all considered her a musical confidant. “Paint it Black” was all her.
HARRIET
You’re not going to throw cold water on this because it’s Luke directing?
MATT
Harry, I don’t think you’re getting how big a break this is for you.
HARRIET
No, I’m getting it. I didn’t think that you’d be getting it.
MATT
Of course I get it. We’ll make the schedule work any way we need to.
HARRIET
He says he can shoot me out in 20 days. And he’s boarded them during hiatus weeks.
MATT
Whatever, it’s Anita Pallenberg! Any of those guys would have broken up the band for her.
HARRIET
I never would have expected this from you.
MATT
Why not? No matter what, I’ve always been your biggest fan.
HARRIET
Thank you, Matthew.
MATT
Do you know what else is great? That Luke is able to spend $60 million of Paramount’s money to date you again. [Harriet punches Matt in the stomach.]
HARRIET
Ow!
MATT
Abs of granite, baby. Hard as a rock.
HARRIET
You think he cast me so he can sleep with me?
MATT
No, I think he cast you so he can marry you and sleep with other people. [Harriet punches him again, because she doesn’t learn.]
HARRIET
Ow! When did this stomach happen?
MATT
Leg-lifts with Jeannie. [Harriet almost punches him again.] Don’t hurt yourself, Anita.
HARRIET
I’m going into Danny’s office because he is a real man.
MATT
Okay.
HARRIET
Danny – [Danny has his head on his desk, is still slamming it, and sounds like he’s crying.]
DANNY
Yeah?
HARRIET
I’ll come back later.
DANNY
Okay.
HARRIET
Why do I even talk to you?
MATT
Little thing called ‘macho’. Say it!
DANNY
GET OUT!
[Jordan’s office]
DANNY
Hi.
JORDAN
[mouth full of Chinese food] Sorry. I’m eating for two.
DANNY
At least.
JORDAN
Hey, are you guys doing a Christmas show?
DANNY
Yeah. Yeah, we are; Matt’s got a real head of steam about it. We’re buying all the coconuts we can find.
JORDAN
[mouth full] You need coconuts to do the Christmas show?
DANNY
I didn’t hear you with the roll in your mouth.
JORDAN
You need coconuts for a Christmas show?
DANNY
To make snow.
JORDAN
Well, I’m glad you’re doing it. I miss home.
DANNY
Charlottesville, Virginia?
JORDAN
That’s right. Most people think I’m from Massachusetts.
DANNY
No, you went to school in Massachusetts.
JORDAN
Yeah. [pause]
DANNY
Have you thought about the upfronts? You could go into labor in the middle of presenting your fall schedule in front of 3000 advertisers.
JORDAN
Yeah, it’s gonna be my gimmick.
DANNY
Seriously.
JORDAN
I’ll figure something out.
DANNY
Okay.
JORDAN
Are you meeting someone in the building for lunch?
DANNY
No, no; I just came over because I realized the upfronts were right around your due date.
JORDAN
Why didn’t you just call?
DANNY
You’re right across the street, and I’m a nut about exercise. I’m in very good shape.
JORDAN
Okay.
DANNY
Okay.
[Studio 60 set]
CARD: WEDNESDAY
MATT
This is what I’m talking about.
CAL
Hey, miracle! Check it out. Rodney! [Snow falls from the set.]
MATT
Excellent. It’s a winter wonderland.
CAL
Yeah, and then later you can make pina coladas.
MATT
Keep it up! Cal?
CAL
Yeah?
MATT
What, uh, what’s going on with this?
CAL
What do you mean?
MATT
What’s he doing?
CAL
There’re going to be reindeer up in the balcony; he’s waving at them.
MATT
He’s giving the Nazi salute.
CAL
Nah, he’s waving at the reindeer!
MATT
Why wouldn’t the reindeer be with him?
CAL
Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt…
MATT
All right, let’s set logistics aside. He’s saying “Heil Hitler.”
CAL
I think you’re reading too much into it.
MATT
He’s giving the Nazi salute.
CAL
Well, now that you’ve said it, that’s all I can see.
MATT
It’s all anybody can see.
CAL
He’s got the crazy eyes too, doesn’t he.
MATT
Yeah.
CAL
[to the room] Let’s get rid of demented Santa Claus!
MATT
Thank you.
OVERHEAD
Kill the Santa.
SUZANNE
Good morning.
MATT
Good morning. Thank you for the hat.
SUZANNE
It came with the red velvet miniskirt and garters. Would it make you feel better if I wore that?
MATT
It wouldn’t hurt.
SUZANNE
I was just trying to save quarters for the laundry by doing it here.
MATT
I understand.
[Writers’ room]
MATT
Ah, look at this. This is nice: everybody working together, pitching our Christmas sketches for a Christmas show. Let me hear what you’ve got.
DARIUS
Christmas is a sham, Matt. It’s a ruse.
LUCY
It is!
DARIUS
Jesus was born in 5 B.C.
LUCY
And he wasn’t born in December.
DARIUS
He couldn’t have been, because the description in Luke of the shepherd would put it in Spring or Fall.
ANDY
And it turns out that the image of Santa Claus, as we know it, was invented in 1931 by an artist named Hayden Sunbloom who had been commissioned to do a portrait of Sinterklaas by the Coca-Cola company.
MATT
The two of you brought them all over to the dark side?
TOM
Hey, I just said there was no Star of Bethlehem and then everybody got on the internet for two days.
SIMON
Jesus was African.
TOM
It was a comet. Or possibly Ursa Major in the Northern sky –
MATT
I don’t care! It doesn’t matter! [Matt sees that his tree is covered in socks.] What the hell did you do to my tree?
SUZANNE
I was drying my socks.
MATT
All right.
[Jack’s office]
LAWYER #1 (IAN)
Context used to matter.
LAWYER #2 (MIKE)
We’re not living in the land of used-to.
IAN
I understand that, Mike. I’m explaining it to Jack.
JACK
I understand it, too.
IAN
NPR was able to run wiretaps of John Gotti swearing because it was understood he was a bad guy. As opposed to a soldier, who’s a role model.
JACK
Yeah. Uh, hang on. What do you need?
JORDAN
Can I sit in on the meeting?
JACK
No. How’d you get past my secretary?
JORDAN
By telling her I was invited to sit in on the meeting.
JACK
This is corporate news, it’s not entertainment.
JORDAN
Let me sit in. I’ll totally behave, I won’t say a word.
MIKE
Jack?
JACK
Yeah. Sit in. Jordan McDeere, she’s auditing.
MIKE
You want, at any price, to avoid a war with federal regulators.
JACK
Well…. Why?
MIKE
They’ll win. They’ll block any media related mergers, that’s Macau. They can bounce you out of the Spectrum auction, and your competitors would get greater broadcast power.
JACK
Is there a chance they’d single us out for – do you need a menu?
JORDAN
No. Apricot danish.
JACK
Good. Is there a chance they’d single us out for –
IAN
Special indecency treatment, you can count on it.
MIKE
Yeah, Ian’s right. You’ve got shows where young people are talking about sex, having sex, having homosexual sex, sex with strangers, threesomes… they’re going to suddenly decide to take a closer look.
JORDAN
Hey, if you know of these shows, send them to me. It’s development season. I’m not even here.
MIKE
They’re offering a good option: time-delay the news.
JORDAN
No!
MIKE
A five-second delay, who’s gonna care?
JORDAN
Our news producers and reporters, for one. They’re already leaving the networks for cable over credibility issues. What’s going to happen when we –
MIKE
You don’t want to time-delay the news, okay. We fly to Washington, we meet with the FCC chair and see if we can get a greatly reduced fine if we agree to give away time for PSAs. It’s a face-saving gesture for everyone.
JACK
NBS News should apologize because somebody shot at one of their reporters?
MIKE
Well, that’s it.
JACK
Obviously that’s not it!
MIKE
Then I go back to what I said at the beginning: take on the FCC and you need to know the cost of losing.
[Studio 60 set, where the band is jamming like it hasn’t jammed before.]
DANNY
What are you doing here?
KEVIN EUBANKS
I came to hear that guy.
DANNY
He’s a sub; our regular guy’s sick this week.
KEVIN
So’s our regular trombone player, and his sub told me to hear this guy.
DANNY
He’s good.
KEVIN
That’s why I was surprised to see him playing in your band.
DANNY
Get your feet of the chair, talk show.
[Band balcony]
DANNY
Thanks, guys. 4:30 Friday for a 5:30 dress. Thanks a lot. Excuse me.
TROY ANDREWS
Yes, sir.
DANNY
I’m Danny, the executive producer. Thanks a lot for sitting in today.
TROY
Well, I appreciate the gig.
DANNY
You want one full-time?
TROY
No, I can’t do that.
DANNY
Why not?
TROY
Fella I’m sitting in for did me a favor.
DANNY
All right. Well, you should know Kevin Eubanks is sitting down there, and I think you got a job at The Tonight Show if you want it.
TROY
No, they’ve got their horn section. I’m grateful for this, but I appreciate it.
DANNY
Whoa, whoa, wait up. Where’re you from?
TROY
I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, man. The guy’s doing me a favor.
DANNY
No one’s in trouble.
TROY
I’m from New Orleans.
[Writers’ room]
LUCY
How could Jesus’ birth have taken place 4 years before the birth of Christ?
SIMON
How come Europeans decided he looked like Doug Henning?
MATT
It doesn’t matter!
DYLAN
Shepherds don’t work in December.
MATT
Another expert theologian heard from.
TOM
Yet the Gospels say he was born during the reign of Herod the Great, and according to the historian Flavius Josephson, Herod died in 4 B.C.
MATT
Flavius Josephson.
ANDY
The Immaculate Conception has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus.
MATT
I think it probably does.
ANDY
In describing Mary the original Hebrew text uses the word ‘alma’, which means ‘to a young woman of marriageable age’, not the word ‘bethela’, which means ‘virgin’.
MATT
And you’re getting this on…
ANDY
Virginbirthsdebunked…
MATT
Okay.
ANDY
.org.
MATT
Excuse me.
TOM
You see, Lucy, I’m a bit of an astronomy buff.
SIMON
Loser. The word is loser.
[Hallway]
MATT
They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of 2 presents per child.
DANNY
What’d they come up with?
MATT
He’d need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.
DANNY
Zane’s not out sick this week.
MATT
What’s going on?
DANNY
Players all over town – here, The Tonight Show, session players, pit bands – they’re trying to do it under the radar, but they’re calling in sick.
MATT
Why?
DANNY
They heard there were basically homeless musicians in town from New Orleans. They’re sleeping on people’s couches. By the way, if our trumpet player’s any indication, they can blow the doors off any room they feel like. The L.A. guys are trying to get them a union card and a pay check so they can send some presents home.
MATT
We should pay the guys who are calling in sick.
DANNY
I had a different idea. Is there a sketch you feel like you can cut right now?
MATT
Sure. I could cut “Immaculate, My Ass: HBO’s Ho Ho Hos and Hookers at the Pole”.
DANNY
Good. We might need 4 minutes in the middle of the show.
MATT
For what?
DANNY
I’ll let you know by the end of the day.
MATT
You spoken to Jordan since Monday?
DANNY
Me?
MATT
Yeah.
DANNY
No, not really.
MATT
You don’t know what she’s doing about the upfronts?
DANNY
No.
MATT
What did you mean, not really?
DANNY
I’ve driven by her house a couple times.
MATT
Really.
DANNY
Yeah.
MATT
Well, that’s gotta take you back, huh, moon-doggie?
DANNY
Her house is on the way to work.
MATT
Yeah, if you’re driving from Tijuana.
DANNY
Leave me alone.
[Studio 60 balcony]
OVERHEAD
15 minutes, everybody!
WHITE
Last time I was in this theatre was 15 years ago to hear Caruso sing “Vesti la giubba” from Pagliacci.
JORDAN
Is that right?
WHITE
No. Caruso died 15 years before I was born. Why do young people have no sense of the past?
JORDAN
Caruso’s dead?
WHITE
Yeah.
MRS. WHITE
Leave this poor girl alone.
JORDAN
I can’t stop eating.
MRS. WHITE
Oh, enjoy that.
JORDAN
I am.
WHITE
Where’s Jack?
JORDAN
I don’t know. He should be alone.
[Main lobby]
GEORGE
Down the corridor, down the stairs, dressing room D.
LUKE
I know it well.
[Backstage]
SIMON
“Good evening, I’m Simon Styles.”
HARRIET
“And I’m Harriet Hayes. Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $139 million, the seller, Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn, accidentally hit the painting, creating a finger-sized hole in the canvas. Wynn apologized, and attributed the fault to Retinitis Pigmentosa, an ocular disease that damages peripheral vision. The buyer then punched Wynn in the face, apologized, and attributed the fault to Reflexive Affluentis Magoo, an emotional disease that makes him want to punch rich blind people in the face.”
SIMON
“A new study released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University finds that most men are almost always thinking about sex. In a soon to be published companion study, researchers hope to be able to prove through a series of controlled experiments that water quenches your thirst. The Pentagon announced today that –“
HARRIET
Hey!
LUKE
Don’t let me stop you.
SIMON
How you doing, man?
LUKE
Styles.
HARRIET
You got your tickets?
LUKE
Front row. I get to heckle Danny. These are for you.
HARRIET
They’re beautiful. Let me put them in my dressing room.
LUKE
The Steve Wynn joke’s funny.
HARRIET
Well, he’s a very nice guy; you think he’s going to mind?
LUKE
Only if he’s watching. I was happy to hear your deal closed.
HARRIET
Me, too. Wasn’t hard, you’re paying me scale.
LUKE
That’ll change. Everybody around here happy for you?
HARRIET
Yeah.
LUKE
Matt?
HARRIET
Yeah, well, you know, yeah. He thinks you’re trying to date me again, but he’s just –
LUKE
I am.
HARRIET
Huh?
LUKE
I am trying to date you again.
HARRIET
Really?
LUKE
Yeah.
HARRIET
But that’s not why you cast me, right?
LUKE
No. I cast you ‘cause you’ll be good. I can do both.
HARRIET
Okay.
LUKE
Did what I just say make you uncomfortable?
HARRIET
No.
OVERHEAD
Five minutes, everybody. Five minutes to air!
HARRIET
You should go upstairs.
LUKE
Eat ‘em up.
[Set]
DIRECTOR
In five, four, three…
[Dylan as Santa falls down into a fireplace. He goes to the cookies when -- ]
TOM (as Chris Hansen)
“Hi, fella.” [Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” graphics roll.] “You wanna step over here a second?”
DYLAN
“Oh, now who’re you?”
TOM
“I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline. Can I ask what the heck you were doing, coming to see a 12-year-old girl in the middle of the night?”
DYLAN
“She wrote me a letter.”
DANNY
Where’s the snow?
CAL
We accidentally cooked it.
DANNY
The lights?
CAL
Yeah.
DANNY
Are we gonna have it by the end?
CAL
They’re shaving more coconuts right now.
TOM
“…just figured, ‘I’m gonna go to the house of an underage girl in the middle of the night.’”
DYLAN
“That’s what I do.”
TOM
[voiceover] “A disturbing twist: the gentleman explains that he’s been visiting young children in their homes for what he describes as years.”
[Later – News 60 set]
FLOOR MANAGER
News 60 is next. Stand by, Harriet; stand by, Simon. 30 seconds back.
MATT
Hang on, I’ve got a note for you from the dress. [Matt pushes Harriet against the wall and kisses her.] Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace.
DIRECTOR
In five, four, three…
MATT
Hey, Luke. How you doing?
HERB
“From Los Angeles, California, it’s News 60 with Harriet Hayes and Simon Styles.”
SIMON
“Good evening, I’m Simon Styles.”
HARRIET
“And I’m Matt. Harriet. I’m Harriet Hayes. Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $139 million, the seller, Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn…”
[Outside the NBS box]
JACK
I’m sorry to disturb you. I know you’re, you’re with your grandchildren.
WHITE
I’d like them to meet you. You know, this may be the first time I’ve ever seen you without a necktie. What’s the matter, kid? You don’t look well.
JACK
Last Sunday night, there was an incident on our news. During a live feed from Afghanistan a marine, as well as a reporter who was interviewing him, had an RPG explode nearby and the marine said f… well, he said…
WHITE
Mm hmm.
JACK
I waited to tell you so I could speak with some lawyers and give you good advice.
WHITE
Yeah, I know about what happened.
JACK
You know about the FCC?
WHITE
Yeah.
JACK
Well, I’ve been playing this out, every possible way in my head, and I think this: I have to resign. I know the Macau deal is the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life, and I know the FCC can block mergers. On the other hand, I just can’t be a party to the line that’s going to be crossed if we allow them their way on this.
WHITE
I won’t pay a $73 million fine. I won’t pay a 73 cent fine. I won’t time-delay the news, and I won’t say I’m sorry. I no longer recognize the authority of the FCC in this matter; I’m going to have to be ordered by federal judge. And when they come to get my transmitter, they better send a group a hell of a lot more scary than the Foundation for Friendly Families or whatever the hell they are. Let those guys embed themselves with the 2nd Marine division for a while; they’ll re-jigger their sense of what’s obscene in a quick hurry. Jack, this is the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life. You are the Chairman of the National Broadcasting System. That’s why I wanted my grandchildren to meet you.
JACK
Yes, sir.
[Set]
OVERHEAD
15 seconds to air.
DIRECTOR
We’re back in five, four, three…
SIMON
Ladies and gentlemen, the City of New Orleans. [Troy begins to play O Holy Night on the trumpet, and is then backed by more New Orleans musicians, making a jazz sextet. And at this point, I’m going to put in a plug for the Tiptina’s Foundation. They’re good people.]
[Outside NBS Box]
DANNY
[to Jordan] Can I talk to you a second? I’ve been married twice before, and I’m a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that’s no woman’s dream of a man, or of a father; nonetheless, I believe I’m falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you better get a head start ‘cause I’m coming for you, Jordan. You should go ahead and chew that sandwich.
[Set]
MATT
Where did you go?
DANNY
I went to a place called, “Say it, say it, say it!” I said it, okay?
MATT
Okay.
DANNY
Okay.
MATT
You were right, you know.
DANNY
About what?
MATT
We do live here now.
DANNY
Merry Christmas.
MATT
Merry Christmas. [And the snow falls as the sextet finishes out the show.]
